TITLE: Sad Girl
GENRE: YA
EMOTION: torn and scared
Runaways Kat, the MC, and her bulimic friend Danny are on the Pacific coast, looking at a giant carved wooden statue who "spoke" to Danny. She just realized that she has to go back home and deal with her parents.
“He said I had to let go.”
It seemed simple enough, but my insides disintegrated a little. I could think of two things that he meant by that, and one of them was definitely not good. What did he mean by let go?
“What do you mean?”
“Oh, Kat! Don’t you see? I just have to let go. It’s so clear to me now.”
For a second I could see the slamming waves right through Danny, like he was becoming a part of them. Like he already was.
“It’s the only way that end all of this is going to end.”
“The bulimia?”
Danny frowned for a nanosecond, but shook his head.
“The everything, Kat! The only way to get back control is to let it all go. It makes so much sense.”
It didn’t make any sense. Not in the front part of my brain. If he was saying what I thought he was, I was going to fight it.
“And you will help me. Aunt Sophie will help me.”
My knee started spastically shaking.
“You know that I can’t stay.” It was a statement. I wasn’t going to give him any way to talk me out of going back. Already, I wasn’t sure. Not if he was going to “let go.”
“No, Kat. You have to stay! You have to help me! No!”
He pulled at his hair, letting out a growl of frustration.
“Just when I’m getting things together, Kat! No!” He yanked a big chunk of sea grass out and hurled it into the wind, then crouched into a ball, rocking on his feet.
What did he mean by let go?
ReplyDelete“What do you mean?”
Careful with that. If she says it, she doesn't have to think it too.
Why does her knee shake? I can't picture how he could be in a ball and rocking on his feet.
The let it go line is said too much and some of it reads a bit choppy. I feel her desperation, but the dialogue isn't drawing me in. I think some tweaking will make it work.
I agree that this needs some tweaking. I'm not entirely sure who is speaking for some of these lines which makes it hard to judge. You can probably fix this by keeping the descriptive text in the same paragraph as the dialogue (when you start a new paragraph in dialogue, it usually implies that you've changed characters). For example, if Danny is speaking this dialogue, this should be one paragraph:
ReplyDeleteDanny frowned for a nanosecond, but shook his head. “The everything, Kat! The only way to get back control is to let it all go. It makes so much sense.”
I also think you need to work on eliminating some of the uses of "let go". It losses its effect when used 5 times in 250 words.
It's all very emo and anguished. I think the line about her knees could be phrased more elegantly, and if bulimia is a theme you might want to rethink the bit about her insides disintergrating.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused about what is going on. Is Danny speaking about ending his life? Or is Kat talking about going back home? I think that maybe being more specific about who is speaking would help.
ReplyDeleteI think you've nailed the emotions you're going for here.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I'll just echo what others have said about Kat's thinking a question immediately before asking it, and the repetition of the phrase 'let go.'