TITLE: UNBOUND
GENRE: YOUNG ADULT/NEW ADULT PARANORMAL
“How long?” she asked when I told her, my hands shaking so hard I stuffed them under my legs. “How long has it been?”
“The first time I saw him, I was five years old,” I began.
It was the beginning of the end.
* * * * *
The shark was hungry. Watching it swim closer, Teddy saw white teeth glistening like pointy knives on the outside of its muscled mouth. The water turned pink as they slammed shut, bubbles hiding the left over bits of fish guts in a frothy mess.
Leaning back from the jagged end of the rock that hung over the deep water, he turned back to Skipper and shook his head. “It’s too dangerous, we can’t escape by raft.”
Skipper began to cry. Shifting uncomfortably from one leg to the other, Teddy looked towards Grey-Rhino, desperately hoping he had a better idea. There was no food left. If they didn’t figure out something soon...
“Rachel! Now please.”
My mother stood at the door, arms folded. “I’m going to start counting.”
Leaving my motley crew of stuffed animals stranded on the ottoman, I darted to the hall closet and pulled my coat off the hanger, hastily jammed my feet into my boots and quietly slipped under her arm towards the sidewalk.
A late November wind ripped the few remaining leaves from the trees to mingle with the garbage that coasted along the curb in front of our house. Realizing that I’d forgotten my mittens, I jammed my hands into my pockets and hoped she wouldn’t notice.
The beginning of this really confused me. I'm not sure what the ****** means and there are way too many names/characters to keep track of. I liked it when you switched to say that these were her stuffed animals, except that just made me more confused as I couldn't figure out who was talking to her.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but too confused to be hooked.
This is a different sort of a beginning, and although I'm not 100% sure about whether I'm nuts about it, I'd keep reading... so I guess that says something, doesn't it? I like some of your images ("bubbles hiding the left over bits..."). What I'm not sure about is the feeling of back story I'm getting here. Also, if this is a 5-year-old's voice, some of it is too old: "motley crew of stuffed animals." I know it's YA, but I think we still need to see this bit as a 5-year-old would. Oh, and watch out for overuse of adverbs. For example, "uncomfortably shifting" doesn't say more than "shifting;" "hastily jammed" doesn't say more than "jammed;" "quietly slipped" vs. "slipped."
ReplyDeleteLike I said, though, I'd probably keep reading out of curiosity and b/c it feels like there's the potential for something interesting here.
Interesting. I enjoyed it. I agree with the comment that if this is supposed to be a five-year-old's voice, the stuffed animal fantasy needs to be taken down to a 5-year old POV. But I got the impression that the character is older in this scene, in which case it's fine IMO. I like the images and the way you shifted from the fantasy to live action. So definitely positive - absolutely I'd keep reading further.
ReplyDeleteThe first section didn't work for me, though. I like things that are brief enough to tantalize, but this was way too brief. And the "It was the beginning of the end" is really confusing. The way it's written, "It was the beginning of the end" would have to refer to the discussion. But that doesn't make sense to me. I am guessing you intended the line to represent the character's thought about the first time. In which case I think you need to make it more clear that this is the character's thought.
My suggestion is to either make this section 2-3 times as long so we get a little better feel for the character(s) and the tension, or get rid of it entirely and begin with "the shark was hungry".
Nice job with it!
The first lines about "how long" etc. didn't hook me. However, the make-believe transition into real-life did, and I thought it well done. So, the flow is off b/c of the first few lines. Also, I agree about the adverbs (-ly words) - strengthen the verbs! I would read a little more to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence threw me. I think you're missing some punctuation there. I had to read it a couple times and I'm still not 100% sure if you mean, the narrator told the asker something and then the asker asked "how long" or something else. I would clear that up.
ReplyDeleteI also had to re-read to get that the following paragraph is a flashback to the first time she saw "him".
Like someone else said, I would watch the adverbs, particularly in the next to last paragraph, which is one very long adverb-filled sentence.
I would probably read on, just to see what happened the first time she saw him.
I was getting into the story of kids on a deserted island or on a floating raft somewhere out at sea, and then the story changed. It was like reading a dream sequence. I get cuaght up in it, only to learn it was a dream, followed by - and now here's what really happened.
ReplyDeleteThere are three openings here to sift through - the short blurb before the break, which makes me think she's in a room somewhere, telling the story to someone, then the shark scene (which I liked the best, but which didn't go anywhere) and then the scene of leaving the house with mom. In the end, your MC played pretend with her stuffed animals and left the house with Mom. It wasn't enough to draw me in.
Perhaps concentrate more on one opening element that will connect more to your overall problem?
I agree with the others. I think if you bring me into the action of when she met the guy when she was five might hook me in a little more.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck :D
I sort of tripped over the immediate opening, but all in all, I'd keep reading to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteLove the "motley crew of stuffed animals".
Your writing is strong. Great characterizations and descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI had to reread the first bit and I'm still not sure who said what.
The second bit really pulled me in. The transition to the third bit was too abrupt. I think a few words here about the MC being pulled out of her make-believe or something would help - even if it came after Mom's first line of dialogue.
Just a few tweaks and you're good to go.
Not hooked. I'm not wild about the opening dialogue, since it has nothing to ground it, and I wasn't a huge fan of the shark-attack-that-really-isn't. Ditto what Barbara said: Once I realized that wasn't the story, I felt like I'd been had.
ReplyDeleteAlso, this feels more MG, since Rachel's playing with stuffed animals. Now that might just be because I have no idea what the rest of the story is about, but that's my knee-jerk reaction.
Finally, a few places where you might do a bit more editing: "Leaning back from the jagged end of the rock that hung over the deep water" might work better just as "Abandoning the craggy overhang," or something like that.
Similarly, "A late November wind ripped the few remaining leaves from the trees to mingle with the garbage that coasted along the curb in front of our house" could become "A late November wind ripped the few remaining leaves from the trees, stirring them into the garbage that filled the gutter," or something similar. It should be your words, of course, your voice, but cutting down the word count always moves a story along.
Good luck!
I was pulled out by the first lines of dialogue. I'm not sure why it has to be a mystery--what your MC told "her". Then is it going into a flashback? I'm sorry. I'm just confused. The writing seems good so it's probably an easy fix.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things that really turned me off in this piece.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you start in first person and move to third person (or so it seems, since you're describing what Teddy sees). That leaves me completely confused as to who the MC is. Is it the "I" in that first paragraph, or is it Teddy, or is your first-person narrator just magically seeing what Teddy is seeing? I didn't get it. And then we find out those paragraphs are all your MC's make-believe acting with her stuffed animals. It was almost like you gave a false conflict to try and draw readers in. There was no shark, no danger, in reality. It's a tease that doesn't help hook me. Plus, it leaves me without a clue as to what the real story is about.
The second thing that pulled me out of the story was your grammar. You have teeth on the outside of a shark's mouth, not the inside. You have some missing commas. And you have a lot of adverbs where they don't need to be.
Try polishing this up a bit and seriously rethink your starting point. I want a clearer picture of what the real conflict is.
I'm afraid I found the opening dialogue confusing, and then I found it strange to be pulled away from a story only to find out it was imagined. It feels a tad gimmicky to me. If this is going to be about an imaginative, precocious child, I think it would have been just as effective if the reader knew the scene with the shark was imagined all along. Instead it seems like surprise for the sake of surprise, and I'm not sure the effect is necessary.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see the connection between the opening lines and what follows the asterisks. Then, when I thought I was getting into a story, a frightening memory of a shark attack, I find out it was all a child's game. I have to admit, I felt cheated. Not hooked. :(
ReplyDeleteI like the writing and the imagery a lot here, but the switch in POV between first person and 3rd person ("Teddy saw...") threw me off a bit. Maybe you could rewrite this so that the POV would be the same throughout?
ReplyDeleteI had trouble following the dialogue and POV.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence you need to cut 'my hands shaking...' since this action applies to the narrator, not the 'she' that is speaking. Move it to either a separate sentence before this or use it to tag the MC's dialogue.
In the section after the stars, you say 'Teddy saw' which made me think we'd shifted to his third person POV, but later in this section you are back to using first person. Maybe you need another row of stars to separate it from the next section, since this seems to be happening at a different time/place?
Overall, I was too confused by the jumps from scene to scene to want to read more.
I was a bit confused. I agree with the others about the imaginative play not being a great way to start the story, unless it is crucial to the plot.
ReplyDeleteI did like in the last paragraph how you showed that her mom is probably the overprotective type, which is why the MC had to stuff her hands in her pockets...
There is an awful lot of mental scene changes the reader has to make in 200 words. First, there's a person telling someone else about a memory. Then we change to someone with a shark. I was imagining Teddy in the water, then I learn he's on a rock. OK. Then it turns out Teddy is an actual teddy and it's a girl playing with him on the couch. Then the girl is taken outside by her mother, so I have to change scenes again. By the end I was more confused than anything else and I had to read over it again to get a sense of what was going on.
ReplyDeleteI'd drop the whole playing with the animals thing. It feels more like a gimmick to me - we think there is action because of the shark, but then it turns out to be toys. If you want to get across to us that she's young, just have her mother taking her outside and her holding Teddy. Then we can get to the first time Rachel saw him.
There is a glimmer of a good story here, and I was really interested to find out who he was, but I don't know if I'd keep reading purely from confusion.
I'm sorry, but this had me thrown from the very start. The opening dialogue confused me and I found the transition into the next part jarring...I'm afraid I didn't really like the imaginary scene, either.
ReplyDelete