Wednesday, February 24, 2010

5 Talkin' Heads

TITLE: The Book of Generations
GENRE: Fantasy/Historical fiction
EMOTION: Exasperation

Setting: Garrit has just discovered the woman he's about to marry is actually Eve--the mythological figure, and also his great-great-great-great-great(etc) grandmother. His family has been sworn to her protection since the dawn of time, but now he's struggling with the facts. Eve/Nemi is trying to calm him down about it, but she's had about enough.

“It’s myth, Nemi. Creation is a myth!

She was wet, and miserable, and he hadn’t even had the courtesy to shut the bathroom door before shouting at her. “Part of your myth is standing in front of you in a towel! Tell me that the thousands of lives I’ve lived are all lies.”

Garrit looked at her, his eyes narrowed. “I don’t know what you are.”

She bit her lip. “This is why I didn’t tell you.”

“It’s all been a lie, then?”

“I hardly run about the earth advertising my reincarnations!” Her voice had risen, but she couldn’t bring it back under control. Of all people, he should have known better than to think such a thing. “My feelings, me, our relationship, none of that has been a lie.”

“I’m just supposed to accept this? Without any hesitation or reserve?” he asked.

“Your parents didn’t seem to be upset by it.”

“Bon Dieu!” She flinched. It was never a good sign when he slipped back into French. “That’s just great, Nemi. You tell my parents but you don’t think to tell your fiancĂ©.”

“I didn’t tell them. They put the facts together themselves, just like you.” Only faster. And with less drama.

His jaw clenched. He hadn’t missed the implications. “Your portrait. In the hall.”

She sighed. “Yes. My portrait.” He would come to terms with it, or he wouldn’t, but she was shivering and he was blocking the door. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to get dressed.”


  1. I love when he said Bon Dieu! Ha! That's great.

    I like how you put her in a vulnerable position (wet, shivering, naked) when she's feeling vulnerable. Smart move.

    I really feel for Nemi in the excerpt.

    The only thing I would think to change (seriously, this is a great dialogue!) would be to delete the sentence 'He hadn't missed the implications'. Just because the reader already realizes that he missed the implications and it's a bit redundant.

    Great job!

  2. First I love the "Only faster. And with less drama."

    Okay, onto the point of all this. I think his exasperation is clear. Nemi, on the other hand, seems incredibly calm (I know you have that her voice rises, but in my head it still didn't *shrug*), which doesn't scream exasperation at me. If only Garrit was supposed to be exasperated, great job. If she is supposed to be exasperated as well, I think the phrasing of her words could help that. For instance...

    Instead of "I hardly run about the earth..." Maybe "What do you expect me to do? Run about..."

    I don't know. I really liked the passage, so it's hard to pick it apart LOL.

  3. I think exasperation is coming through for both characters, Nemi is just a little more under control.

    Nice work.

  4. I love this. I'd pick up your novel on this excerpt alone.

    You did a great job conveying their exasperation and with winning both Nemi and Garrit my sympathy. I can't think of anything to change.

  5. Love the "Only faster. And with less drama" too. Great line.

  6. This was great. I wished I had the book in my hand so I could turn the page. I want to know more about them based on this interaction so for me...the dialog worked!!!Nice job!

  7. I thought this was great, especially the part about slipping into French being a bad sign... :)

    The only thing was I felt the dialogue was strong, and then reading all the narration that went with it weakened the impact for me. For example, after "my reincarnations!" I could tell she was probably yelling, but the "Her voice had risen" weakened the effect somehow.

  8. I really like everything about this ... the emotion, dialogue, even the tension in the scene is perfect!