TITLE: Fly With Me
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy
DIALOGUE EMOTION: Anger/Frustration
Vincent (MC) has been reading letters from a childhood friend of his roommate Conner. Scene below is after Vincent borrowed Conner's scooter, but didn't get it back before Conner returned with a girl.
You could have at least made an effort to return it in time."
"I had a lot on my mind." I emptied my pockets onto my dresser. "Your date didn't seem to mind you playing for her."
Conner stomped over and snatched the envelope from beneath my wallet. He waved it in front of my face. "What is this?"
"A letter from Alexa. What else?"
"I meant what are you doing with it? I thought she was done writing."
"You said I could read them."
He gaped. "You mean you've been reading all her letters since you moved in?"
"Yeah. So?"
"I never would have given you permission if I thought you'd keep reading. Drop the issue. Leave Alexa alone."
"It's not as if you had any intention to read them."
"Get over it, man. It's none of your business."
"She needs a friend. Someone who will actually *read* her words."
Conner pulled out the two pages. "'Sloop and his surrogate mother came to visit. That's why this letter is late. I felt safer with them in my backyard. But they could only stay a few days. It's not like I can afford to feed a full grown dragon.' Dragons! Buying into her delusions is psychotic. You should avoid unhealthy relationships."
I snatched the letter back. "Delusional or not, I'm not giving up on her like you did."
Conner finally raised his hands. "Your wasted life, man. I've outta here. I have a shot at a *real* relationship."
I like this section! There is a lot of good interaction between the two characters and just enough about the girl to intregue the reader.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
(one typo...Your wasted life, man. I'm outta here."
Although I can sense the irritation Conner feels at the end, the sentence doesn't make sense:
ReplyDelete"Your wasted life, man. I've outta here. I have a shot at a *real* relationship."
What do you really mean for him to say?
Doh! I noticed that typo as I was getting ready to submit this. (I've should be I'm in last paragraph.) Guess I corrected it in the original, but not what I'd already copy/pasted to submit.
ReplyDelete~Author
Good tension between the two characters. The only line that felt off to me was "Drop the issue." If feels too stiff there and the other dialogue might work just as well without it.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue feels a little stilted to me. Like... just a little more formal than people actually speak. Especially people that know each other and are upset with each other. I didn't feel the tension here as much as I think I should.
ReplyDeleteI think your story sounds really interesting though! Seeing that it's fantasy, that last letter he reads outloud is very intriguing.
Also, I hope that you only used asterisks instead of italics for this post, and that in your actual manuscript you aren't using them in dialogue. That would not go over well with an agent.
I really like this. I am intrigued by the characters - who is Alexa? If she is privy to the hidden worlds of dragons and such, why is she revealing it to Conner, a guy who obviously doesn't believe in it? Or else, maybe he DOES believe in it, and is trying not to let the MC know that it is real. But then, why would he let him read the letters in the first place? Why is he angry now? Is he protecting Alexa? Or the Dragons? But then why let it go at the end? Lots to wonder about.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is the right emotion for this scene. The words sounded angry, but the context of the scene makes me think that Conner would be more nervous of what the MC is going to think. I must admit, I am confused about what drives Connor's emotions.
Anyway, anything that makes me think this much about what is going on 'under the words' is pretty good. Well done!