Wednesday, February 24, 2010

20 Talkin' Heads

TITLE: Adventure Society
GENRE: scifi/fantasy/noir/western
EMOTION: Confident/surprised

Short intro: Coldwell has gone to Steve's house looking for a journal that Barker had sent him to find. A journal that is key to fining lost treasure. Coldwell is the main character in this section.

Steve slowly backed towards an old wooden cabinet as Coldwell’s eyes bore into him. His shaking hand slowly pulled out the drawer, noise of wood rattling filled the room. He retrieved a small cloth pouch and tossed it to the table. “Here is the thousand that Hendrik paid me. Take it, its all I have. I’ll find another way to pay my creditors. Just let me stay with my family.”

“And Barker?” Coldwell’s eyes did not veer from the farmer. “He would not be happy that justice was not served today.”

“Keep him quiet,” Steve stammered. “I want you to keep him quiet just like he wanted you to keep me quiet. We committed those crimes together.”

The Ranger’s smile grew wider. “There is one thing that you should know. When I am on a job I always see it through to the end.”

“No, please don’t. My boys, they need me.”

Coldwell chuckled, “I’m sure they will grow up just fine without a thieving murderer as a father. They may even make something of themselves.”

On a wall across the kitchen the farmer’s pistol in a belt holster hung from a hook. With a rushing hobble, he dashed for the gun. A loud crack filled the room. Steve’s eyes were wide with pain and fear as he fell to the ground. Blood poured from an extra orifice that appeared in the chest of his dirty white shirt. Smoke wafted from the Ranger’s barrel, the revolver had not even come an inch out of the holster.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. (sorry mistyped something above)
    The dialogue was smooth and natural. And I know that is what we are supposed to be focusing on.

    But the paragraph at the end seems to get a bit clumsy. Too packed with details to run smooth. You may want to simplify it so the reader doesn't stumble through it.

  3. The dialogue itself seems fine, but I got more fear and desperation from the scene than confidence. Steve seems to know his in deep trouble so the fact that Coldwell shoots him didn't seem to be a big surprise to him either.

    There should be a period after 'He chuckled' as he's not chuckling the dialogue. ;)

    I was confused as to how Coldwell managed to shoot him with his gun not even out of the holster. Perhaps some clarification is needed there.

  4. I think the dialogue conveys the feeling of the situation well. I just have a couple of things to add.

    This line caught me with the double negative.

    “He would not be happy that justice was not served today.”

    You could say...
    "He'll be angry if justice isn't served today."

    Also to Jean's comment above about the gun, I agree. "With a rushing hobble" When I picture that action I see some gimpy old guy tripping across the floor. If I were Steve, I'd race him to that gun and shoot him first.

  5. All the 'nots' in the second paragraph are really noticeable. Try replacing one (or both) with n'ts to smooth out the sound.

  6. The dialogue read well, especially Steve's. Coldwell came across as arrogant, even slightly bombastic, but I think that's what you intended.

    You need to clarify the action in the last paragraph though. Are there two guns?

  7. this is kind of a non sequitur, but I was first attracted to this post because of your genre, namely, the fact that it didn't fall into one genre, and that you had to describe it scifi/fantasy/noir/western. I've heard that trying to publish anything that doesn't fit into a category is difficult, but what do publishers know? Because I liked the idea that you combined them. Also, though I didn't see the scifi/fantasy element here, I completely felt the noir/western. Good job!