Wednesday, February 24, 2010

39 Talkin' Heads

GENRE: Paranormal romance
EMOTION: Totally freaking out

Set-up: Aeron, a boy Libbi has never seen before, was staring at her from the door of her English classroom during a test. He waited for her after class and, after a breif introduction, started following her.

I was almost to the road when Aeron’s fingers gripped my upper arm and he yanked me to a stop. My hand flew up by itself, balled into a fist and slugged him in his jaw. Hard. I heard the pop of his teeth smacking together.

“What is your freaking problem?” I said.

“What did you do that for?” He massaged his jaw.

“Leave me alone. That’s what I did that for.”

“I would think you’d be grateful.”

“Grateful? Grateful for what? The fact that you’re a freak and you haven’t murdered me yet?”

At that, Aeron laughed. He shook his head and raised his palms to the sky as if to say ‘What am I gonna do with this one?’

“What is so g*******d funny?”

“Libbi, I’m not trying to murder you.” He met my gaze directly. His pale-blue eyes penetrated mine. A chill stood the hair on my arms on end, despite the unseasonably warm weather.

“Then what do you want?” It was barely a whisper.

“I want to save your life,” he said. “And believe me, Libbi, that’s not something I say often.” He let go of my arm. “Your shoes are untied.”

I looked down and, sure enough, the laces of both tennis shoes dangled to either side of my feet like four lifeless, white worms. That was strange. In Mr. Winkler’s classroom, they’d both been in secure double knots.

“How did…” I glanced up, but the lawn was empty. Aeron was gone.


  1. That's awesome. I assume he's an angel or something of the sort.
    This is a terrific scene.
    One note: I'd change the shoelace sentence a bit:
    "dangled to either side of my feet like white worms"
    "dangled to either side of my feet like lifeless worms"
    We already know there are four shoelaces.

    Good job!

  2. I like this a lot. I like the fact that the heroine treated a guy acting freaky like a guy acting freaky. All too often in paranormals I think the people react to casually to creepiness/ otherworldly events.

  3. I liked this. Honestly, I thought the reaction of her slugging him was a bit much, but I don' know what happened prior so maybe he deserved it. Was he just just following her? Or did he do something to warrant such a violent reaction?

    The emotion was great. Good job. :)

  4. I like this a lot! The dialogue is great. My only quibble is that I'd remove "the fact that you're a freak" and let the line stand as:

    "Grateful? Grateful for what? That you haven't murdered me yet?"

    I think it reads much stronger that way. It's obvious he's acting like a creepy weirdo.

  5. Assuming something happened besides him trailing her, I thought the dialogue was really good. However, if nothing major happened before this, some of it seems over the top. Hard to tell without knowing what came before though.

    Definitely think you nailed freaking out though. :)

  6. I agree with the others before me about Libbi's reaction in the beginning, but since I have no way of telling what happened previously (similar situations with Aeron watching/following her), it could be appropriate. What she says regarding his behavior was very natural and definitely conveyed the emotion you were aiming for. Great job. (:

  7. Nice, but Aeron should react in some way immediately after she hits him. Even just something like "he cursed". His reflexes would cause him to do something before she had time to speak.

  8. I really liked this. "That's what I did that for," seemed a bit wordy though. You might not need anything there. I agree that Aeron should react when she hits him.

    I don't understand why she's freaking out though.

  9. Well written. You have a strong voice, and we get to know your character in these few short paragraphs. Great job!

  10. This is good. I really liked the description of the shoe laces. Punching the guy at the beginning seems a bit extreme, but I'm sure it's warranted from the early part of the story. Good dialogue. Funny and has a good flow.

    Great job!

  11. Thank you guys so much for the input! You've given me a lot to think about!