TITLE: Someone Beautiful
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction
Sand flew into Charlotte Laurent’s face like ocean spray. But she ignored it. Jordan Hampton, the varsity soccer team captain, would have to do better than that to stop her. Another varsity all-star, Richard Lamp, made a steal attempt even though she already had three strides on him. Their goalie, Rowdy Taylor, loomed large and snarling, but he didn’t intimidate her. He was a lug, and she was lightning. Moving fluidly like the waves crashing on to Brighton Beach, she faked the remaining opposition and scored the winning goal.
The girls on her team swarmed in, knocking her down with jubilant embraces. The boys kicked sand and swore. After regaining her feet, Charlotte followed everyone to the ice chest, the soccer ball tucked up under her right arm… her only arm. “Don’t cry, guys. We’ll give you a chance to get even.”
“Give it a rest, Charlie.” Jordan scowled as he grabbed a soda and skulked away, toward the breakers.
“Sorry loser,” she scoffed, loud enough for him to hear. She turned a smug gaze back to the group. “What the hell is the matter with him?”
“Don’t you ever quit?” Nick Simperelli asked, then took a long draw on his Pepsi.
“No,” she stated as if it were obvious. “Why should I?”
Soren Brandenburg, taller and more ripped than any college football player, tossed a sweating can at her. “The invincible C.V. Laurent.”
Charlie dropped the soccer ball and caught the can mid-air.
“See?” Soren shook his head.
I'm hooked, I definitely like the title and the premise of Charlie with only one arm.
ReplyDeleteLots of names -- first and last -- for an opening page. I got lost in them the first time through, and then read it again focusing only on Charlotte. It read better that time, but I wonder if you might only focus on her plus one other key player for this opening.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested as to why she thought of sand and of the ocean at Brighton Beach while she was playing, and I'd read on to find out. But! I felt that two similes were a bit much for the first paragraph.
Overall, though, I enjoy sports-related fiction and would like to see more of it in YA. I'd read on to find out what happens to Charlotte.
I like that we get right into the action at the beginning. I agree that I got lost with all the character names. Definitely lose the last names - especially for the secondary characters, and maybe even avoid naming some of the others just yet. And I think I am going to like Charlotte, but if you include more of her inner thoughts here, just to get a bit more sense of her, I think I'd like her even more:)
ReplyDeleteI think many of these details would work better through that old favorite -- showing, rather than telling. here are some I think could be improved:
ReplyDelete"made a steal attempt"
"loomed large and snarling"
"tucked under her right arm...her only arm."
One other item: while I have no problem with a team of girls beating an all-star team of boys, I assume Charlotte is a FANTASTIC soccer player and that it's relevant.
For example, I am a guy, and I am a terrible soccer player, and would not be able to beat even an average female high school player one on one. I say this to make sure the story keeps one foot in reality.
Before anyone jumps all over me -- I have a young son and younger daughter and remind them frequently that my daughter will be able to do anything my son wants to do, as my son has already started picking up on traditional sexual stereotypes he hears and sees.
I would rather have more showing and more introspection into the character. I agree with all the names, i had to re-read to keep track.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the girls beating the guys is a bit cliche.
I would agree with the name issue- it's a lot to keep straight in the first page.
ReplyDeleteThe character is intriguing- strong girls are always an interesting read.
Wow...that's a lot of names. In my attempt to make sense of who they all are, I am losing a sense of the story here. I would read on, though, to learn more about the one armed girl on the boy's varsity soccer team.
ReplyDeleteI love this character, Charlie. She sounds fantastic. The first and last name issue, yeah, I can see that, but it's an easy fix.
ReplyDeleteGreat premise.
I like the idea of a girl with one arm who is not sitting at home moping about how she's not perfect. I would've liked to get a little more into her head since it seems like it's her POV, but I would definitely read more to see where the story is going. I didn't get a strong sense of what the conflict might be in the book other than that Charlie might need to lose some of her ego.
ReplyDeleteThe only issues I had were that you drop a LOT of names - first and last(!) - in just a few paragraphs. Not to mention the three different names for your MC - Charlotte, Charlie, and C.V. I think that's a lot to keep track of and it's kind of distracting because we don't really need to know everyone's first and last names just yet.
The only other thing is that I don't think I would use ... after "right arm" I'd probably use an em dash there instead.
I also found all the names in the first paragraph distracting, but I am curious about the main character, so I'd read a bit more.
ReplyDeleteI feel the names are an easy fix. I like Charlie's snapiness, and that she is oblivious to her ego.
ReplyDeleteI look foward to her discovering herself, and would read on.
I like this, but I agree with the others about the name issue.
ReplyDeleteThe names didn't really bother me, but I could see how they could be confusing. Easy fix, though.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of the one-armed girl playing soccer. GREAT potential for internal as well as external conflict there! Great job! I'd love to read more!
The names didn't really bother me, but I could see how they could be confusing. Easy fix, though.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of the one-armed girl playing soccer. GREAT potential for internal as well as external conflict there! Great job! I'd love to read more!
The names didn't really bother me, but I could see how they could be confusing. Easy fix, though.
ReplyDeleteI really like the idea of the one-armed girl playing soccer. GREAT potential for internal as well as external conflict there! Great job! I'd love to read more!
Love the character but the opening seems almost too easy. The winning goal flies by and then they all get a cold drink. Would've loved to see that goal drawn out a teensy bit more. Charlie against the odds. Nice start!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jessica. Perhaps make more of that winning goal, and perhaps while you do that, you could make it evident through action that she has only one arm, rather than announcing it later.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I thought this worked really well. I can see who she is through her interaction with the other kids, as well as see how many of them see her.
Hooked!
Here's the thing. I was so blinded by all the extraneous details, that I skimmed over the most important one. That she only has one arm!
ReplyDeleteThe 'Winning goal' line seemed to be almost too casual for the build up. Besides, no one could have known it was the winning goal until after the match was over (or we were in the last seconds of the match.)
I would like to see more focus on the details that drive the story forward.
The mixed metaphor at the beginning really threw me. Sand already flies into people's face like... well, sand, so why does it fly in her face like ocean spray? Ocean spray is a nice feeling, but I don't think the implication is that the sand felt nice on her face, since she was ignoring it. And then she also moves like waves. But then they actually seem to be on the beach. I found all that mixing of real and metaphorical a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteI found all this description distracting from the key detail that she only has one arm.