TITLE: Carpe Bead 'Em
GENRE: Women's Fiction
My pillow smashed over my head is not enough padding to block out the ringing phone. Finally I can't take it anymore. I heave the pillow across the room and grab my clock. What the hell! I shake it to make sure that I am seeing the real time. 2:15 am. Are you kidding me? The phone seems to ring louder in the middle of the night. The ringing stops for a few seconds and I think, pray, that it's over. But then it starts again. I squint my eyes trying to get them to focus on the caller ID without messing up my cocoon of blankets. Aunt Grace. Enough said. I reach for the phone, but stop. Does she really need me this time? My fingers stretch towards the screeching phone. What if it is an emergency? My fingers retract. No. What…just what if it is like every other time? All the times she called to shoot the breeze in the middle of the night. Knowing this is the last ring before the answering machine picks up; I grab the phone and press on. “Hello Aunt Grace.” I am already exhausted with this conversation and only three words have been spoken between us.
“You are psychic just like your mother. I swear you even sound like her.” Aunt Grace isn’t really my aunt. She’s my ninety-two year old great aunt who has out- lived almost all of our relatively. Lucky me! Still, I guess I owe her.
I'm interested by the opening paragraph and like the sense of ambivalence that's created by reaching out and then pulling back from the phone.
ReplyDeleteIs there a way you can convey her age and her status as great-aunt, without saying it outright? Can it be worked in another way that is more show and less tell?
Typo - relatively.
I've read that starting a book with someone waking up is a No-No so I'd suggest you re-think this opening unless it is crucial to your plot.
ReplyDeleteSomething about this feels like it is happening over a longer period of time than it would take a phone to ring four times. I think you need to shorten the amount of thinking she does before picking up the phone. Also, I believe the word "relatively" should be "relatives".
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI also feel that a bit too much time elapses between your MC picking up the phone, but I can feel her irritation here, which is good.
I agree that the whole waking up thing is a bit cliche, but I was actually intrigued by the manner you've handled it. I'm wondering if your character is actually psychic or if that's simply a loose use of the term. Also, I'm curious why she feels obligated to her "aunt."
ReplyDeleteMy first suggestion would be to break up the first paragraph into several smaller ones. You have an opportunity to make an impact with some of your sentences that you're losing by running them all together.
ReplyDeleteDespite "waking up" being a cliche I wasn't bothered so much by your opening. Technically she's already awake.
It sounds like you might have an interesting character or situation here but I'm not hooked.
This line here:
"I am already exhausted with this conversation and only three words have been spoken between us."
Is how I felt about the whole first paragraph. I was exhausted from her back and forth over answering the phone and nothing had even happened yet.
Aside from a mention that her mother is psychic, we get pretty much no info on the MC or what's going to happen in this story. The fact that she's not more concerned that it might be an emergency at 2am makes me think that there isn't going to be a lot of tension or suspense either.
Hi there
ReplyDeleteLiked "cocoon of blankets" and "exhausted by the conversation..."
And the title is really cute.
I agree that phone call in the middle of the night isn't the best way to start a story. Maybe something more action packed for the opening.
Best of Luck
The first sentence is a bit awkward, and you basically lose me there. Also, "I can't take it anymore" is a pretty strong statement for a few seconds of a ringing phone, especially since this is not a new experience. There is a lot of internal monologue that seems forced, like trying to create conflict that isn't really there.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that she's waking up didn't bother me, but I felt like Valerie. The first paragraph was too much. I didn't feel like I was involved in the scene. It felt more like you and I were sitting around having coffee, and you were telling me what happened last night.
ReplyDeleteTry shorter paragraphs with more show than tell. Maybe we should even hear the Rrrrringg!
I'm afraid I found the opening line, ("My pillow smashed over my head is not enough padding") to be awkwardly phrased. Particularly since it's a first line and writers typically put a lot of thought into a first line, I'd see that as a red flag.
ReplyDeleteI really like your voice. I get a good feel for the MC in my head.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of words here for so little action. Tightening would help a lot.
Thw waking up bit didn't bother me. I think you're handling it differently enough.
I'm with the others in that I feel the first line seems awkward, possibly because of the tense change - My pillow smashed over my head WAS not enough padding .... although it still doesn't hook me for a first line.
ReplyDeleteI can sense the irritation with the phone and totally agree with the observation that the phone rings louder in the night. I did wonder what Aunt Grace wanted, although her first line of dialogue seemed so casual, it didn't seem like an urgent two in the morning type problem so it lost my interest slightly.
I'm intrigued by the pyschic thing, so this could work with some tightening :)
ReplyDeleteHave to agree that the first paragraph needs to be broken up. It makes for too much information right off the bat and you don't want to overwhelm your reader.
ReplyDeleteSpace it out a bit and you'll be off to a much stronger start!
I'm sorry, this just didn't grab me. The writing needs a little more punching up (some more showing rather than telling) and, at the same time, a little tightening (extra "that"s, spots where a contraction would suffice). I don't get a strong sense of character or story yet.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, you've managed to find a way to start with a character waking up without it being cliche, which is good. You give her a stimulus, a reason to be up so late, and that adds some urgency to this scene, unlike so many other "waking up" chapters where characters have just had a nice dream or the alarm went off.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you take an awful long time to answer that phone. Plus, the tense bothered me. Present tense only works when it's not noticeable. When you read the text smoothly rather than thinking, "Hey this is different from normal novels." But, when I read this, I was distracted by the present tense. I was focusing more on the words than the story.
Try to tighten up your prose. You can still go for the present tense, just make sure it's smooth instead of over-written. Make sure every sentence is crisp and I think this piece will be so much better!
I guess I don't look at structures in these type of contests. I think formatting can get really flubbed up. I can read the 250 words and tell her voice is strong. I can see where there might be paragraph breaks. Those are really petty in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice and humor. I think the title is great for a women's fiction. As for Valerie, I don't think this is a suspense or the 250 words are going for it.
1. I think the passage wants us to question why Aunt Grace calls in the middle of the night. Obviously she does this a lot.
2. I think the passage makes us wonder why she owes her.
I think we need to take into consideration that it's only 250 words. It's not going to vomit all the story, characters, motivation or conflict in 250 words.
I like it. I would definitely read more.
Ahh...yes, the formatting did get screwed up. It's actually several little paragraphs. For instant...
ReplyDeleteAunt Grace.
Enought said.
The above is how it is really written. When I saw it is one big box of text, I about died laughing.
Yes...all of it is crucial to the story. You have to read a little more than 250 words.
Thanks for all the suggestions.
The Author.
A waking up scene may be viewed as cliched...
ReplyDeleteMaybe start with last paragraph. Much more grabbing...
You build great suspense in the beginningm but since it is the beginning, it would probably be more effective to focus on her complex relationship with her aunt rather than ringing phone. For example, you could start with:
ReplyDeleteThe phone seems to ring louder in the middle of the night. Groggily, I picked up. "Hello Aunt Grace."
And continue all the way to the end just like you have it.
You have a great, wry sense of humor that comes out strongly in your writing.
I like the idea behind it, but it might take a just a little too long to get to the main point of what is going on.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I can already see her voice in this piece, which is a great thing!
Good Luck!
I think the ringing phone bit went on way too long. The character was irritated, so I was irritated too. But I had to laugh at the psychic line. My 92-year-old grandmother always asks how I know it's her when I answer the phone, even though I've explained caller ID several times :-) I might read on for that alone, but I'd really prefer it if the phone part was cut right down.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice, but like others thought the phone ringing went on for way too long. And some of the phrasing felt a little awkward (eg I had to read your first sentence about three times to understand what it was saying). I also found some of the internal stuff a bit overwrought, with all the question marks and exclamation marks in this para, but I think that may be a personal preference :)
ReplyDelete