TITLE: THE SPECTER OF AVERY HILL
GENRE: YA gothic
With her head bowed against the pouring rain, Ella dashed across the dimly lit parking lot and under the gymnasium’s wide portico. She hurried toward the double doors, past a folding sign that read: JOB FAIR: learn new skills for the future while earning cash for college. Fun. Adventure. Excitement. Meet new people.
Ella snorted a laugh. The sign pretty much summed up why she wanted to avoid a summer job. Learn new skills. Yeah, right. Last year, she’d learned tons as a counselor-in-training at Camp Bonnie Lake--how to sleep in a mold-infested cabin with a dozen homesick ten-year-olds and a million bats, how to drink warm beer and remove bloodsuckers with a lighter.
But if she didn’t find a summer job on her own, Mom and Dad would kill her—or worse, force her to go back to the camp.
Taking a deep breath, Ella yanked open the gymnasium door. Then, she scuffled down the empty hallway and into the gym.
The air vibrated with chatter and stank of nervous sweat. Vendors’ booths lined the walls and stretched the length of the gym. Plastic banners promoting banks and chain restaurants hung from the iron beams. Parents and kids she knew from school--plus a ton she didn’t recognize--pushed and mingled and gossiped and gawked and sat at tables filling out applications. A woman in a chambermaid uniform stumbled past her. A helium balloon popped.
“Ella!” Tabby’s voice sounded above the ruckus.
Ella spotted her best friend.
Even from this short snip, I care about Ella already. I heart snarky characters. They make for a fun read.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely did a great job sucking me into the character. And I get the sense that in this book, that is key - as opposed to say in a thriller.
ReplyDeleteI do have a few little language suggestions. please just ignore them if they don't resonate with you.
1.I would consider making the first line "JOB FAIR: learn new skills for the future while earning cash for college. Fun. Adventure. Excitement. Meet new people." In fact, it could be its own paragraph. Then go into the action. Putting it at the end of the first paragraph breaks up the flow.
2.I'd consider saying "The air vibrated with chatter and nervous sweat." It's not literally accurate, but it may work as an image. "stank" implies something overpowering and it seems unlikely that would be the case in a job fair.
3."pushed and mingled and gossiped and gawked and sat at tables..." Just too much here for my taste. It also a bit of telling instead of showing when you string so many verbs together like that.
Anyway, great job with the character and the piece in general
Hey, so I'm halfway hooked. I love the sarcasm, and I like the opening, but it feels like something's missing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe different opening lines? I would keep reading though, so that's good :)
Also- "Ella snorted a laugh" pulled me out of it all. Is it possible to snort a laugh? I would pick a verb and stick with it. Snort or laugh. But that's definitely a nitpick.
Otherwise, good job!
I like your first paragraph, with the exception of the phrase at the beginning. The sentence is weak compared to what it would be if you switched it around:
ReplyDeleteElla bowed her head against the rain and dashed across the dimly lit parking lot to the gymnasium's wide portico.
Her mindset and POV take off in that next paragraph, though, and it's fantastic. :-)
I'd definitely turn the first sentence around, as Kathleen suggested. Prepositional phrases almost never work at the beginning of a sentence.
ReplyDeleteYou might also want to get her inside before she does all her thinking. She's just run through the pouring rain to the gym. Would she really stand outside contemplating her situation? Perhaps intermingle her thoughts with her movement through the crowd?
Overall, nicely done. You've presented a character with a voice and introduced a problem! I'd read more.
I'd definitely want to keep reading. You've done a great job introducing Ella to the reading, making us care about her right off the bat.
ReplyDelete"pushed and mingled and gossiped and gawked and sat" was abit much for me--I think you can convey this scene without hitting us over the head with all the actions taking place.
Still, interesting; I'd keep reading.
Great voice for third person--you really make this read very intimately. Well-done.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading just because it's YA gothic. ;)
I liked the narrator, and was interested in finding out more about her situation w/ her parents. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI think I will like Ella, and like the idea of how she is against finding a summer job. I think most teens will definitely relate to her. I'm interested in what happens to her at her summer job and would turn the page to find out. My only suggestion is to start with something a little stronger than running in the rain. Maybe she's reading the sign and a car drives by and splashes her, and she sees that as a sign of what this next summer job will bring.
ReplyDeleteGreat character. Good voice. You includes smells! Yay!
ReplyDeleteDo we need to know the name of the camp? If it comes up later, fine. If not, I'd trim a bit here.
Bloodsuckers? I personally would go with leeches, but that's a more familiar term for me. Bloodsuckers makes me stop and think what you mean. Maybe bloodsuckers is more appropriate for the period though.
I am having a bit of a time putting this modern feel - camp, job fair - together with the gothic/woman in a chambermaid uniform. I'm not sure I'm getting the time/place you're trying to get across.
I'd read on though. Strong writing.
Very good background about the camp -- it doesn't break the flow of the narrative at all. And I like the sensory details, like the air vibrating. If you can keep that up through the whole story, this is a winner.
ReplyDeleteMark in the Seattle area
The voice in this piece really hooked me in. There's also a great hint at conflict over the job.
ReplyDeleteThe opening did read a little clunky, though. I agree with another poster who said you could start with the text on the sign in its own paragraph and then add in the action (her running into the gym) in the second paragraph. That might smooth it out just a bit, and if that part was fixed, I'd be 100% hooked.
I'm afraid I found the language on the sign a bit forced - that's a really wordy sign. If you are going to use the sign concept I wonder if perhaps it could be a little punchier. I also thought there were times where the language was imprecise: can sweat really smell nervous? And I wasn't sure about telling the reader that Tabby is Ella's best friend so out of context. I like the idea here, but I'm just not sure about the polish.
ReplyDeleteI like Ella a lot already, she sounds like a very sympathetic character.
ReplyDeleteThe writing seems solid, too, and the idea of a job fair is interesting, so I'd read on!
I'm not a fan of the sign either. I think you can cut everything from Fun onwards. It's a long sign and is taking up valuable real estate in the first paragraph. It does its job in telling us there is a job fair, and then the bit about learning new skills is good because that's how Ella transitions to her thoughts of her last summer job. But the rest of it is unnecessary in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery of the job fair. This section alone doesn't really hook me but with a good back cover blurb or query I'd read on.
Love snarky characters, but found a bit of the phrasing odd "Snorted a laugh" etc. But I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDelete