TITLE: The Paper Crane
GENRE: Adult Women's Fiction
Torn between a scandalous office romance and a relentlessly devoted ex, Kelly Tong has to juggle time for a frustrated teen daughter and a demanding career, while her sister makes a last-ditch effort to win over her childhood buddy, about to marry an emerging pop princess. As they embark on separate journeys to seek happiness and redemption in Hong Kong, they must mend their frayed familial ties before they lose the two things they seek.
This is good, but I think Kelly's goal needs to be more clear and tangible. Seeking happiness is not an end goal we can see. What does she have to do before this story ends? Also, I would use something more specific for "win over". Do you mean win the love of, or just get him to agree not to marry the chicky-poo?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I'm a fan. I enjoyed your first 250 from the last contest. Keep up the awesome work! I agree that the sister's part is muddled and that the goal could be less vague.
ReplyDeleteKelly is juggling stuff, but what does she want? It's unclear to me if they live in Hong Kong or are just on a vacation.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Holly, Sasha, and don't hate me for the comments. It's tough to fit in the story into 75 words or less. The book actually covers three stories : 2 adults and the teenage girl. I'm at my wits' end trying to condense everything here and have left out the teen. I came up with another version if someone is interested to take a look:
ReplyDeleteHong Kong career woman Kelly Tong is running on thin-ice, torn between a dangerous office liaison and a devoted ex. She struggles to make time for daughter Amy, whose budding friendship with a (Japanese) boy her age is put to the test when the boy falls ill. Kelly's sister K. makes a last-ditch effort to win over her childhood sweetheart before he marries a pop diva. They embark on separate journeys to seek love and redemption.
I prefer your revised description. I agree it's really difficult to portray three different storylines in a logline. I didn't like the description "relentlessly devoted ex", preferring "devoted ex". "Japanese" doesn't need to be bracketed.
ReplyDeleteI would also remove all references to who the childhood sweetheart is intending to marry - "pop princess" and "pop diva" dilute the impact of your sentence. That character is not one of your MCs.
"They embark on separate journeys to seek love and redemption." Two issues with this line. "separate" - obviously all the stories are linked and you want to show that and "redemption" - nowhere in the logline have you indicated what they need to be redeemed from. "find love" yes, but redemption?
Apart from all that, your novel sounds very interesting - I love the Hong Kong setting - and I did enjoy your 250 words.
Thank you so much, LM!
ReplyDeleteWould y'all nice peeps care to let me know what you think of this third version:
Hong Kong career woman, Kelly Tong, runs on thin-ice, torn between a dangerous office liaison and a devoted ex. She struggles to seek redemption from her estranged father and make time for daughter Amy, whose budding friendship with a Japanese boy her age is put to the test when the boy falls ill. Kelly's sister, Kirsten, makes a last-ditch effort to win the love of her childhood buddy before he marries another.
I like this but I'm still unclear of the goal. What has to happen for Kelly to consider herself done? Does she need to pick a man or convince her father or daughter to do something?
DeleteHMM, Kelly's goal in the beginning was simply excelling in her career so she could provide the best for her daughter. But as time went on, she found herself in a dilemma, stuck between her boss and her ex, and also reconciling with her father who had disowned her. Those goals come in later, and I don't know how to condense all of them into the logline.
DeletePoor Author: Your responses to the comments are proof that writing a logline with its word limit + advice to keep it close to 50 words, is difficult--and frustrating!--to do. I can tell you'll hang in there. My own tearing-out-my hair-experience is that the requirements, in the end, help me truly to understand what my story is about. You have three stories--what is the common thread for Kelly that knits the three together and answers Holly question? Is there a common element in Kelly's character that creates these three conflicts?
ReplyDeletePoor Author: Your responses to the comments are proof that writing a logline with its word limit + advice to keep it close to 50 words, is difficult--and frustrating!--to do. I can tell you'll hang in there. My own tearing-out-my hair-experience is that the requirements, in the end, help me truly to understand what my story is about. You have three stories--what is the common thread for Kelly that knits the three together and answers Holly question? Is there a common element in Kelly's character that creates these three conflicts?
ReplyDeleteYour difficulty is definitely three fold. I know how daunting it is, but perhaps you can find three ironic sentences, one for the plight of each character. A wants B, but is struggling with this x 3.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Holly, Michfish, and Sasha. The only thing in common I can think of is that these three characters are basically seeking happiness, love, and redemption in their own ways, but I realize these are too common/generic terms.
ReplyDeleteSasha, I did exactly that in the third version;
Hong Kong career woman, Kelly Tong, runs on thin-ice, torn between a dangerous office liaison and a devoted ex. She struggles to seek redemption from her estranged father and make time for daughter Amy, whose budding friendship with a Japanese boy her age is put to the test when the boy falls ill. Kelly's sister, Kirsten, makes a last-ditch effort to win the love of her childhood buddy before he marries another.
I think Kelly's goal is seeking redemption from her estranged father and to make time for her teenage daughter but the obstacles are her office romance and devoted ex? Does that make sense?
I'm learning too much about too many people. I sort of want you just to focus on Kelly :-)
ReplyDelete