TITLE: The York Encounter
GENRE: Adult Thriller
Yes, his objective was clear, but the plan was thin.
He ordered his team to move out—exuding plenty of commando bravado. Usually it wasn’t an act. This time it was. Inwardly he was simply praying for a miracle. Kicking down doors was one thing, this would require more finesse—finesse he wasn’t sure he had.
He was to enter the west entrance of The Historic Grande Aston Theater at exactly eight thirty-two and take the back stairwell to the balcony-level private boxes. She would be in box seventeen, seat two. One minute before intermission he would enter box seventeen, sit next to the girl and have sixty seconds to convince her to leave with him. Convince a nine year old girl to abandon everything she's ever known and leave the theater with a perfect stranger—and do it very quickly and quietly.
Perfectly clear, not simple.
If she screamed or resisted, the scene would attract more attention than he and his team wanted to deal with. In and out. Quick. That was what they needed.
Given they’d confirmed her location only three hours ago, they’d devised a good plan. Good, not great.
Her handlers were from the Geshek government, but they had brought the child across the border into Candaria for reasons he still wasn’t sure of. He had reason to believe her life was in danger. And he was certain she knew things. A lot of things. Things he needed to know.
This is very intriguing. Your writing is tight, and we get a sense of the story and stakes on the first page. I have nothing critical to say. This is a solid first page.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I really want to know how he gets her out without causing a scene. The set up has a lot of potential. I tried to find something more constructive to say, but it's really well done. Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI am curious what information a 9-year-old would have. My only qualm is telling us the plan rather than having it play out. I'm already assuming with won't go as planned, so the detailed plan makes me start to skim. (Yes, I know I repeated plan way too many times.)
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot more telling than showing here. He ordered his team - don't tell us, show us him ordering his team. Exuding confidence - that's a conclusion the reader should come to through what you are showing us - just telling us that doesn't bring us into the action. For this genre, we want to be totally in the action. Put us there and we'll never want to leave.
ReplyDeleteI found your first line to be too vague. Who is "he"? By the second paragraph I'm still not sure who is talking.
ReplyDeleteI found the third paragraph much more compelling. Consider starting with that instead.
The rest of this is good. I still want to know who is speaking, though. But there's certainly enough here that would cause me to read on.
Thanks for entering!