TITLE: Base Metals: The Collected Diaries of Mayon Nathraichian
GENRE: Adult Science Ficton with Fantasy elements
The first race he created
The race of man
Was strong, and elegant
He first created the father he destroyed
When he created the race of women
He showed he desire for a daughter
That he could raise as his own
-The Book of Ydon
Well, this is disconcerting. For the first time since I graduated from school, my father summoned me into his office. Being summoned into the office of Elpense Nathraichian isn’t necessarily a good thing; in fact, quite often it is the opposite of good, involving things like the Arnfryd Female Academy or the need to entertain the daughter of some sort of special guest. As of right now, I’m still not sure if this has been a good thing.
First, I must explain why I’m writing.
It started earlier, several othnis ago. I approached my father’s office with caution, because horrible crying or shrieking is usually a direct cause of contact with Elpense. “Sit,” he commanded me, seeing me lingering in the doorframe.
“You are the first,” he said pensively, looking at me harshly. I hoped he would explain what he meant and merely attempted to not fidget under his gaze. “I don’t doubt that your job will be hard, Mayon. I wish that I could advocate it, or that I could assure you some sort of supremacy, but you are a woman. Wives of Emperors have never even been referred to as Empresses. We have never had an Empress.”
I'm not a fan of the title - too wordy.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't start a sentence with "well". I think you have a stronger first line with "For the first time since I graduated from school, my father summoned me into his office."
Too many repetitions of "a good thing."
I like “You are the first,” he said pensively," but its effect is marred with "looking at me harshly." I would delete that.
This is good - “I don’t doubt that your job will be hard, Mayon. I wish that I could advocate it, or that I could assure you some sort of supremacy, but you are a woman. Wives of Emperors have never even been referred to as Empresses. We have never had an Empress.”
I sense a really good story in here, but I wish - with these opening lines - that I could connect with the MC more. I don't feel I know her. Perhaps tightening up your opening, letting us into her FEELINGS and not just her actions, will remedy that.
Lara's suggestions are all strong. I like the prose at the beginning - takes me back to the Epic Fantasies not sure how agents would react to it nowadays. I didn't really connect with the MC beyond her being intimidated by her father and there being an underlying theme of her breaking the mould of female subjugation. I feel starting the story somewhere else would have more impact. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI loved that opening excerpt from the book of Ydon! But I'm guessing this isn't the place to start (with her being summoned to the room) because you immediately leave her there and go back to "It all started when."
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to hop into an immediate flashback to when it all started, just start the story there. If it's not interesting enough to start there, start somewhere that's more interesting and forget about how it all started. A general rule of thumb - don't include any backstory in chapter one. You want to suck the reader into what's happening now. What's you've got them, then you ndole out the backstory a little at a time, in the appropriate places.
That last sentence should be 'When you've got them, then you dole . . .
ReplyDeleteThat's what happens when you don't proofread.
There's something about the first poem that doesn't quite match with the text that comes after it. If you're going to start with a poem like that, as a reader, I expected the tone of the narrative to relate to it or match it somehow and it threw me off.
ReplyDeleteThere is some repetition in the first paragraph - office, good thing, opposite of good. I would cut the first sentence "Well, this is disconcerting."
I would cut the adverbs: pensively, harshly. And extraneous wording, for example: After "You are the first," he said, (first what?) - then I don't think you need the sentence that comes after that about fidgeting, just go straight back to what her father is saying.
I like the last line a lot - "We have never had an Empress." That's powerful enough for me to want to read on.
Clean this up and try to get to the point quicker.
Thanks for entering!