TITLE: How Ty and I Saved the World
GENRE: MG Sci Fi caper
I set the colander on my head and adjusted it so that I could glare at Ty. This whole idea was his and it was just plain stupid.
“That’s good.” Ty stood back to admire the tin foil “antennas” he’d added to the colander’s legs.
“Define good.” I peered at myself in the mirror. I looked like you could plug me in and blow out half of Spokane.
“Quit being negative, Reggie,” Ty said. “This is going to work.”
Colander, green wig, matching face paint. Ty had mined the Halloween closet as well as the kitchen to come up with this getup. I’d lost the toss, of course, so I had to wear it. I looked weird. We were supposedly going for alien. I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Really?”
“Seriously, dude,” Ty said, “you look awesome.”
My cousin Ty is like that. He gets caught up with stuff. Then he keeps on until I get caught up, too. You want to know, most of the trouble I’ve gotten into in the past eleven-plus years has been thanks to him. So this dare wouldn’t even have made our Top Ten Crazy Dares list. Not then, anyway.
Like a lot of our stunts, it started with an argument.
“Wouldn’t it be awesome to meet a real alien?” Ty had asked. We were three weeks into summer vacation, and I was pretty sure he’d been watching way too much of the SyFy Channel. He has cable at his house.
This is very enjoyable and I love the voice. And I love how subtly the author threw in the location!
ReplyDeleteBut did Ty lose the toss or was this a dare? It was hard for me to figure out how both could be possible. Also the line with "You want to know" threw me at first. I think cutting those words would clear that up and leave a stronger sentence.
I agree with the first comment - I LOVE the voice. It's entertaining and appropriate for MG. I also agree you could cut out the "You want to know." I'd also cut the "that" in the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like a fun MG - it made me smile and I wanted to keep reading!
I like your title. I'm a lover of sci fi and saving the world always draws me in. I agree with H.R and would cut 'you want to know'. You have done a good job with the voice, sounds MG!
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and nice images. My thought would be to cut "I looked weird. We were supposedly going for alien." You've shown us the MC looks weird, so you don't have to tell us. And we get they were going for alien, so that doesn't have to be stated either.
ReplyDeleteI'd also suggest cutting the last three pargs. You start out getting us into the adventure, and then, at that point, the story stops and goes into backstory. We don't need the backstory. Just continue on with what's happening now. Keep the reader in the adventure.
And if the backstory is essential, then just start there.
Love the voice - and Spokane gets a shout-out! Great. The kids are absolutely believable.
ReplyDeleteI like the backstory. It gives the action context. You've accomplished a lot in 250 words!
Great authentic voice! I'd change the last part of the line, ..."it always started with an argument" to "it always started with a question." Then hit us with that perfect next line: "Wouldn't it be awesome to meet a real alien?" I'm truly curious to know what happens next!
ReplyDeleteYou had me at Spokane!
ReplyDeleteReggie's voice is so strong, and the scene comes across really visually.
The only critique I have for you is that the "Colander, green wig..." paragraph is weak compared to the rest. I'd try to work those things in a bit more organically, like maybe the green face paint itches or is getting all over his costume.
The other thing is the line "Not then, anyway." This could be entirely personal, but I find lines like that in first person stories tend to pull me out of the moment.
Love the idea of an MG SciFi caper... want to see what these kids get up to! You've got a great start!
Great first line!
ReplyDeleteI love the third line "I looked like you could plug me in and blow out half of Spokane."
And I love the "We were supposedly going for alien."
It's a great premise too and by the end of the section you've entered here I'd definitely keep reading!
Thanks for entering!
I really enjoyed the read! I'd want to read more and find out what adventures these two get in to.
ReplyDeleteGreat intro to this story. It ended too soon! What happens next? My curious mind wants to know.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your comments. Really appreciate the feedback.
ReplyDelete