TITLE: The Third Gift
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Marisi was raised on stories that didn't have happy endings. It's what happened when you grew up on an island. Ships sank. Priceless cargo was lost. Sailors never came home. It was said the tears of grieving mothers and lost children filled the oceans. Sad laments echoed through rafters and rattled down hallways in every manor house, on every island, in the world. They were cautionary tales with lessons tucked in along the way. Everyone cried when they heard them. Which only made the water rise higher. There was something almost poetic about it.
But Marisi had learned that being the star of your own sad story wasn't so great. Certainly nothing poetic. As far as Marisi could tell there wasn't even a lesson to be learned. Unless it was to never have a baby sister.
She sat on the stone sill of her bedroom window, folding a sheet of paper in half. Then she folded it again until it had a pointy snout, slender body and broad wings. Her mother called it a ‘featherless bird.’ But Marisi had a different idea. She wrote ADVENTURE across its wings in bold block letters.
Perched on top of a cliff, her house was a perfect launch site. Leaning out her bedroom window she set ADVENTURE free with one smooth motion. “‘May you find a current to your
liking. Sail high! Sail long! Sail true!’” The blessing for ships leaving safe harbors, or in this case, Marisi’s hand, sent ADVENTURE skimming the sky.
I'm torn. I like the first paragraph (poetic in itself) and I like what follows (great voice), but the first paragraph sounded like it was written for older kids, YA or adult.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I quite like this. Stylistically, I'd rather if some of the sentences were longer rather than split (e.g. 'Everyone cried when they heard them, which only made the water rise higher'), but I will concede that that is a personal preference rather than a technical fault.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this. It did sound a little older than MG, but maybe you are going for an upper MG audience? I wouldn't change anything. I love the idea of her writing words on paper planes and setting them loose. It'd be cool if we got to see were those planes land and who finds them. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI loved this, the idea of an island in a sea that rose with tears. So the sentence that bumped me out of this world was "Unless it was to never have a baby sister." That seemed like a different story than where I had thought you were going up til then. But the paper bird image brought be back. Lovely. A.Wells
ReplyDeleteI really like this one. It gets off to a very strong start, and minus a sentence or two that I think could use some editing, the voice is crystal clear. I love the poetic language and the terse sentences, I also think it's the kind of middle grade book I would have wanted to read when I was that age. I'd definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThanks for entering!
I love how poetic it is. The first paragraph blew me away. And the rest was both super sweet and sad at the same time. Great piece.
ReplyDelete~SAT
This has everything a powerful opening should: who we should be rooting for and where she is. We understand where her family's sadness comes from, and we know she is hellbent on living a different life than those around her as she grows up. Well done. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for improvement. I hope Marisi finds her own adventure.
ReplyDeleteThis has everything a powerful opening should: who we should be rooting for and where she is. We understand where her family's sadness comes from, and we know she is hellbent on living a different life than those around her as she grows up. Well done. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for improvement. I hope Marisi finds her own adventure.
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