TITLE: Tides of Magic
GENRE: Adult Epic Fantasy
Elena handed the child back his jeweled yoyo as a flash of yellow streaked past the window, a black jet of smoke trailing behind. Acrid fumes seeped in through the door.
Her auburn hair came undone as Elena pressed her face to the window. At twenty-six winters past, she had handled many unpleasant people. But her heart pounded at the sight of the raucous mob gathered in front of the shop.
The flames crackled as smoldering embers of straw floated down. Elena picked up the two-year old and burst out of the shop. Fire shot though the thatched roof as two more torches landed. She clasped her master’s child closer, though he remained engrossed in the glittering blue and red toy.
“You can’t burn down the shop!” Elena shouted to the rambunctious crowd. “Have you people lost your mind?”
“Stay out of it, Elena. Dirma must pay for what he’s done.” Hogarth raised his left hand and waved her to move away.
Elena wasn’t surprised to see the burly spiteful farmer among the mob. She looked around for a sympathetic face in the throng but icy eyes fueled with rage stared back. “He didn’t do anything. None of us know how all of this is happening, least of all, Dirma,” she pleaded, wrapping her arms around the child tight.
“Tell that to Samuise Lothar.” Hogarth grabbed her free hand and pulled her away from the shop. “You didn’t have to look at the horror of his body turned to ice.”
There's a nice setup for mystery here, but I didn't get that the flash of yellow was a torch lighting the house on fire. I think because it went past the window I didn't equate it with landing on the house. So, it took me a bit to get oriented. I wasn't as pulled in as I think I should have been. I think it might be due to too many words. That is confusing, I know, but what I mean is like in this sentence: "Hogarth raised his left hand and waved her to move away." 'Left' and 'away' add details that reduce the immediacy of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not too sure how Elena feels about what's happening. Is she angry or scared?
Somewhere in or after that first paragraph, the word "fire" or "torch" should appear. Being subtle is fine, but keeping that crucial information works for only a few lines.
ReplyDeleteIt could be rewritten as "Elena was handing the child back his jeweled yo-yo when a yellow streak flashed past the window. A black jet trailed behind. Acrid fumes seeped in through the door.
"Fire?"
First sentence is a bit long. How does the jeweled yo-yo have anything to do with the yellow/black streak? Distracting. Also unclear what the streak is.
ReplyDeleteTwo sentences of the second paragraph ("Her auburn hair came undone as Elena" and "At twenty-six winters past") seem a bit awkward and clunky.
"embers of straw floated down." From where? Perhaps rearrange that paragraph so "Fire shot" is the first sentence so we know where "floating down" is coming from
Elena picked up the two-year old and burst out of the shop -- what two-year old? Hers? Random stranger's? Name? Saying "the two year old" is a bit vague. We want to know why this child is important right off the bat. Relation to Elena?
burly spiteful farmer -- missing a comma
She looked around for a sympathetic face in the throng (comma) but icy eyes fueled with rage stared back. -- that last half is a bit clunky. Sounds odd to say both icy and rage-fueled.
" happening, least of all, Dirma," -- incorrect grammar. With the second comma, it means she's addressing Dirma rather than talking about her
“You didn’t have to look at the horror of his body turned to ice.” -- awkward second half of the sentence.
I feel like this starts in the wrong place. I certainly wonder why the shop is burning down, but I think a bit more info about Elena and the child would help me to be more invested in them and their situation. I was very curious though after reading the last line.
ReplyDeleteA nice opening scene that raises the kind of questions that make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to look at giving us more info though.
auburn hair came undone as Elena pressed her face to the window. Came undone from what? How was her hair arranged before it became undone? And what caused it to come undone? And since it happened suddenly, why doesn’t Elena react to it?
At twenty-five winters past what? I believe it’s your way of saying she’s 25 years old, but the way you say it might be confusing.
The flames crackled as smoldering embers of straw crackled down. Down from where? And is the fire in her fireplace, or has the mob set the shop on fire, or are the flames coming from the yellow streak that passed her window? We learn later that the mob set the shop on fire, but at this point, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Elena wasn’t surprised to find the burly spiteful farmer among the mob. Tell us why not.
looked around for a sympathetic face . . . Why? What did she expect someone to do?
You can’t burn down the shop” she shouted. They not only can. They are. Perhaps she needs to say something else.
I though you did a lot with just 250 words here - an immediate moment of drama (with the fire), a hint of intrigue to come (with the man who can seemingly turn people to ice), and a reasonable sense of the setting, the heroine and a possible antagonist.
ReplyDeleteMy main suggestion is to change or lose the first paragraph. The heroine seems too calm, it wasn't clear who the child was and giving the child the yoyo seems like an unnecessary detail. I'd be tempted to just start with her looking out of the window, grabbing the child and rushing out as acrid smoke pours in, ie. tweak para 2 a bit but basically start there.
I disagree with the poster above about needing the give more detail. Apart from the description in para 1 (where it wasn't totally clear that the yellow thing was a flaming torch) I thought it was easy to understand what was going on, and there's nothing worse than spelling everything out the the reader.
Finally, I didn't think the line about "at twenty-six winters past" quite worked. It read like too much like fantasy cliche language, where the rest of the writing flowed naturally and smoothly. Even if that's the effect you want, I don't think that's quite the right phrase. I'd keep it simple. "In her twenty six years of life, she'd handled..."
I thought this was really good overall though, well done.
I like the start of this - I wondered when it was set and if the yoyo was a toy around then, obviously fantasy is different than historical fiction, but you might want to check on a detail like that because it caused me to pause and think on it.
ReplyDeleteI found it a little hard to believe that a 2-year-old child would be engrossed in a toy when there was fire and smoke all around them, maybe he continued to grip the toy.
The last line is definitely a clincher! I'd read on...
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