Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Logline Critique Round #11

TITLE: Signal Void
GENRE: YA Light Sci Fi

Sixteen year-old, Kate Hirst, vanishes from the Grid hours before her parents are murdered. With every citizen Bio-chipped, The EYE suspects Kate. In a world where you’re guilty until proven innocent, Kate’s thrust into a seedy world of Junkers and Tag Dealers. Ironically, her only hope lies in Defiance, the rebellious group she fears is responsible for everything.


  1. This is pretty good except you never actually state your goal which is to prove her innocence (I assume). Also, it would help to know more specifics about why she needs Defiance. Are they the only ones with proof she didn't do it?

    Good luck!

  2. I think the word "everything" is too vague. Maybe say " the rebel group she fears is responsible for their deaths." Sounds action pack! I like it!

  3. No comma after Sixteen-year-old and add a hyphen between sixteen and year. When you say she vanishes, I thought she went missing. It needs to be clear that her bio-chip is stopped recording or locating or whatever.

    What is her goal? To prove she is innocent and find the real murders?
    What is standing in her way? Does she infiltrate the group she believes is responsible to find the evidence? But they have bigger plans…to take down the system, kill all humans…

  4. This sounds very good. I agree that the word "everything" needs to be more specific. I also would like a clearer idea of her goal--her only hope ... to what? prove her innocence, find her parents' murderer? change the system? Good luck!

  5. The commas confuse the first sentence. Why is Kate 'thrust into a world of Junkers and Tag Dealers?' What are Junkers and Tag Dealers? Is she thrust there because she's suspected of murder and they are the only people who can help her? Can they take out her bio-chip? The line about Defiance is too generic. Does Defiance fight the government? Is she running from Defiance as well as the authorities? What will she lose if Defiance catches her? If the government catches her? What does she want to gain?