a sixteen-year-old girl suffering from OCD agrees to go to a movie shoot in hopes she'll get a part and show her classmates she's not as weird as they think.
This needs to be re-worded so we see her goal first (and be specific about why this show will prove she's not weird). After that, tell us what obstacles will stand in the way of her reaching this goal. And please give us her name!
Sorry, I'm not aware of those articles (unless you mean the movie logline ones, but book loglines are not the same thing). The name is one of the things that engages the reader and personalizes the story. I personally think NAME and AGE should always be present.
Need, inciting incident, goal, obstacles If it breaks down something like this: the need is to show her classmates she's not as weird as they might think. The inciting incident is going to the movie shoot? the goal is: to get a part in the movie? --then you are just missing the obstacles. I love the premise!
OCD and her classmates' opinion of her seem to be the conflicts at hand, which are clearly stated in the logline--however, they don't have enough punch to grab me. I'd like to have a better sense of why this matters--if she doesn't go to the shoot, what bad thing will happen to her? Good luck!
It's punchy for sure, but I think it could be more engaging if you added something a bit more personal about the character/situation to your logline. Interesting premise!
It's punchy for sure, but I think it could be more engaging if you added something a bit more personal about the character/situation to your logline. Interesting premise!
I agree with the comments begging for detail ... and a few questions come to mind. Is she bullied? A loner? Is she answering a call for extras or auditioning? What is happening to her that she wants to change? The stakes of not getting the part means...what?
I like it. Short and sweet!
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be re-worded so we see her goal first (and be specific about why this show will prove she's not weird). After that, tell us what obstacles will stand in the way of her reaching this goal. And please give us her name!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
All the articles on how to write a logline say not to use a name though.
DeleteSorry, I'm not aware of those articles (unless you mean the movie logline ones, but book loglines are not the same thing). The name is one of the things that engages the reader and personalizes the story. I personally think NAME and AGE should always be present.
DeleteThe goal doesn't seem strong enough, and I'm not seeing the conflict/antagonist.
ReplyDeleteAlso make sure to capitalize that first word.
DeleteI like it but I'd love to hear more about the conflict or obstacles.
ReplyDeleteNeed, inciting incident, goal, obstacles
ReplyDeleteIf it breaks down something like this: the need is to show her classmates she's not as weird as they might think. The inciting incident is going to the movie shoot? the goal is: to get a part in the movie? --then you are just missing the obstacles. I love the premise!
OCD and her classmates' opinion of her seem to be the conflicts at hand, which are clearly stated in the logline--however, they don't have enough punch to grab me. I'd like to have a better sense of why this matters--if she doesn't go to the shoot, what bad thing will happen to her? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if she "agrees to go" who is making the request, or was she dared to go? I would totally read this!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if she "agrees to go" who is making the request, or was she dared to go? I would totally read this!
ReplyDeleteIt's punchy for sure, but I think it could be more engaging if you added something a bit more personal about the character/situation to your logline. Interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteIt's punchy for sure, but I think it could be more engaging if you added something a bit more personal about the character/situation to your logline. Interesting premise!
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments begging for detail ... and a few questions come to mind. Is she bullied? A loner? Is she answering a call for extras or auditioning? What is happening to her that she wants to change? The stakes of not getting the part means...what?
ReplyDelete