TITLE: BURDEN
GENRE: YA Thriller
When 17-year-old Greer Carson drops her insulin on the way to her own kidnapping her whole plan goes awry. How was she to know her partner in crime would turn out to be her captor? Will boyfriend Kenny, find her in spite of the death of his brother, and the dark memories that imprison him?
Based on your logline, your story has lots of intriguing elements, but I need to know more. I'm not sure if Greer has set up her own kidnapping (along with her partner in crime) as some elaborate ruse or if she's truly kidnapped (I think it's a blend of both, but it took a little re-reading to come to that conclusion). And rather than questions about what might happen in the story, I'd love to know if Kenny is able to overcome his demons and rescue her or if she has to rescue herself.
ReplyDeleteI'm very confused by this. Does she know she's on her way to her own kidnapping? If so, who did she think would be her captor? If not, what different crime was she trying to commit? And is Kenny a main character here? It sounds like the goal is his, not hers.
ReplyDeleteFinally, NEVER ask questions in loglines or queries. You are supposed to be telling us what happens, not asking us what we think will happen.
Good luck!
Holly
Yikes! Get rid of those questions. So, if I'm reading this right. She planned the kidnapping, but her partner kidnapped her for real. If that's it that needs to be made clear. The language right now it confusing.
ReplyDelete17-year-old Greer Carson planned her own kidnapping, but her partner decided to kidnap her for real. Now, she must… I want to know what she plans to do to get out of it. Right now, it reads as a damsel in distress waiting for a knight to release her.
This is a tough one for me to understand. I agree with the two commenters above. Omit the questions and be more clear as to what the real problem is. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to agree with the previous comments. I'm confused who's doing what and why. This is just a suggestion, and I'm guessing at what the plot line is, but I'd try something more like:
ReplyDeleteTrying to distract (or whatever reason she's set this up) her boyfriend, Kenny, from the grief of his brother's death, 17-year-old Greer Carson just botched her own, fake, disappearance by really being kidnapped. Worse still, Greer discovers the very person who was going to help her disappear has actually her hostage (perhaps add a reason as to why the kidnapper has taken this fake kidnapping to the next level), her boyfriend has yet to notice she's missing, and she's lost the last of her insulin.
Greer is staging her kidnapping. Why? She drops her insulin ... which is like leaving a clue ... only to find that her conspirator planned to kidnap her all along and now's she's captive. Because ... she's rich? Powerful? Does losing her insulin put her life on the clock? The last sentence threw me. It turned me away from Greer and focused me on Kenny and I'm not sure that's what you intended.
ReplyDelete