Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Secret Agent #20

TITLE: Fated Born
GENRE: YA Romantic Fantasy

Fate, usually constant and reliable, intervened creating a rift between what was right, and what felt right. Never before had those two concepts separated for Adonis.

He stared in disbelief through the watch window, unease pooling in his stomach. For reasons yet unknown, the fates demanded he observe the young couple—the son of a simple farmer and the daughter of a powerful lord.

They stood amongst the trees holding hands as sun fell to dusk. Eyes locked, they shared a smile, lighting their faces with excitement, hope, and something Adonis had never dared witness. He knew it was time to stop watching before it was too late; to let go of the moment taking place on the mortal world of Thera. But he couldn't. Like an immovable compass needle pointing the way, his instincts insisted he remain. It was the fates’ design.

From a world apart, Adonis kept his gaze upon them. The farm boy, Damian, white tunic billowing in the evening breeze, placed his hand against Eva's smooth cheek. He lowered his face until their lips met in the sweetest kiss never seen by a watcher of Thera.

A stirring within his soul sent Adonis’s heart to doing strange things. It beat fast, as if he’d run a race. These two mortals loved each other, and he witnessed them together. Actual true, romantic love. The kind unknown and forbidden to him and anyone in premortal Acantha. The kind they were warned not to watch.


  1. I like the writing. The description and emotion keeps me engaged. I'm a little confused by "the fates." The fates demanded he watch. It was the fates' design that he watch. But he's forbidden to watch? I can see why he's confused. I sure am. Are they ordering him to watch and it's an unusual request or is he watching beyond what they've asked him to observe? Maybe you want that to be unclear as to remain intriguing, but I don't think you want it to confuse the reader, so you may want to clarify that somehow. Maybe have him worried about the consequences of watching to show that he's going against them or have him speculate as to why he's been asked to watch what they've forbidden in the past. Of course, maybe you do that in the next paragraph. So hard to get a real grip on the story in 250 words. I would keep reading. Good luck with it!

  2. I agree with Stephanie about the fates. It did make it a little confusing. The only other thing is that the voice doesn't sound YA, but with only 250 words and no other characters's voices it's hard to tell.
    It certainly had me interested enough to keep reading though. I love YA romance fantasy :)

  3. As the reader, I want to know who is Adonis? In Mythology he’s got like beauty as a super power or something, right?

    So I’m curious…is this a mythology retelling? With names like Thera and Acantha, I’m guessing yes. There’s not much about his looks here. Is he a child/teenage god at this point? Like someone mentioned already, his voice is a lot older. Especially when speaking of fate, which, by the way, is singular in the first sentence, and plural the rest of the piece. If the intent is to bring this to YA (like Percy Jackson series) the voice needs to be younger, more relatable to teens.

    This reads a bit like a prologue and makes me think Adonis just might not be the MC. Perhaps Damian and Eva are. Either way, watch the telling. There are already moments in this piece where the momentum of the story isn’t going forward because the narrator stops to explain something about the world to the reader.

  4. I agree with the posters above. I'm wondering who the MC is, as the narrator sounds quite old for YA, though it's hard to tell with a short sample. You write beautifully though and the last sentence definitely left me wanting more.

  5. I would hesitate to start a novel with lofty concepts like "fate" - you might be better off starting with the second paragraph like this: "Adonis stared through the window in disbelief, unease pooling in his stomach..." - that gives us more context.

    I would also watch your descriptions which sometimes feel a bit cliche: "Eyes locked, they shared a smile, lighting their faces with excitement, hope and something Adonis had never dared witness."

    I like your fourth paragraph better because there is more concrete detail - a white tunic, evening breeze.

    The last paragraph also intrigued me - and I like the last sentence.

    I like the concept of Adonis watching the mortal realm from some window and I'm curious to see what you do with this, but I think this opening needs to be tightened.

    Thanks for entering!