TITLE: The Paper Crane
GENRE: Adult Upmarket women's fiction
When I said, “Go as fast as you can,” I didn’t expect the cabbie to drive like Jackie Chan. He raced along the highway and swerved past a red light while horns blasted behind us. Clutching my seat, I cursed myself for that foolhardy instruction. My appointment with the diva queen wasn’t worth dying for.
He slammed his foot on the brakes. The tires squealed and we juddered to a halt.
Barely ten in the morning, Yee Wo Street was packed with vendors hawking everything from clothing and accessories to handicraft. Bargain hunters – locals and tourists alike – thronged the pathway.
I braved through the crowd with practiced reflexes, yelling a well-known Cantonese phrase, “Hot water. Hot water.”
Inside the Wah Hing building – a structure as old as the colonial relics on the Shanghai Bund – the security guard immersed in Master Wong’s Sure Win Horse Racing Manual failed to notice my presence. Hah. If Master Wong had a sure win formula, wouldn’t he be frolicking with bikini-clad chicks on his yacht, sipping martinis and laughing at us mortals in the rat race?
I rode the elevator to the tenth floor.
The cleaning lady was polishing our office door so no one would miss the fading words: Z Entertainment Talent Agency.
I cleared my throat. “Morning, Joanne.”
“Ah, Kirsten, that hand cream you gave me worked like a charm. See, my hands are smoother now.”
“Great. I’ll get you another jar.” My sister had an endless supply of freebies from her firm.
I'm hooked. This is good. This is solid. It balances voice with action. This is polished.
ReplyDeleteI only have one suggestion. Diva Queen. Is this our protagonist's go-to name for that character? I wanted to see more punch and then I'd want to see that name every time she thinks about her, possibly capitalized.
This is very nice! My only stumble was on "polishing our office door so no one would miss the fading words". It took me a couple tries to understand what was being said.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I liked the voice, pace, and snarky lines. This line, however, caught me because there was too much going on to follow it as quickly as I read the other lines:
ReplyDeleteInside the Wah Hing building – a structure as old as the colonial relics on the Shanghai Bund – the security guard immersed in Master Wong’s Sure Win Horse Racing Manual failed to notice my presence.
I stumbled over the same line as Jackie, but honestly, this was very good. Smooth writing.
ReplyDeleteI love the setting of Yee Wo Street, although perhaps a smell or a bit of unusual detail of what's being sold there might make me "see" the place more.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked your sentence - "I braved through the crowd with practiced reflexes, yelling a well-known Cantonese phrase, “Hot water. Hot water.” It adds some unusual interest to your MC.
Your opening paragraph in the taxi didn't work for me - I was more intrigued and interested in the story once you, as the author, had introduced me to Yee Wo Street. Personally, I'm not in favour of "Diva Queen".
I'm a little confused with "If Master Wong had a sure win formula, wouldn’t he be frolicking with bikini-clad chicks on his yacht, sipping martinis and laughing at us mortals in the rat race?" What is Master Wong doing now? Maybe it's just me, but I'm not getting it.
You have done a good job with your MC. I feel connected to her, I sense she's a nice person, and that reader empathy is so important. Congrats.
Great first line!
ReplyDeleteThere are some words here that feel off: "foolhardy" and "juddered" - I'd consider rewording. Otherwise the first few lines are solid and I'm intrigued.
I feel like I need a bit more context for the next paragraph - did he/she get out of the car? Pay the cabbie? Make a snide remark? Suddenly he/she is walking down the street and I don't know how we got here.
I love the Cantonese phrase, but I'm totally confused as to why he/she is yelling "Hot water" - and then next paragraph doesn't tell me.
As you can also see by my use of he/she - I still don't know much about your main character - male? female?
All in all I'd keep reading, but I think you should spend a bit more time with the descriptions of what's going on here - walk us through it a bit more to give some context.
I'm certainly intrigued though and you have an interesting voice, I'd read on.
Thanks for entering!