TITLE: The Rookery
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Twelve-year-old Kellen absolutely refuses to be turning into a bird, or really, a Freak. But when her younger sister becomes the next victim of Avian kidnappers, she realizes that the only way to save her is to accept her newfound powers.
This is a good start, but you're going to have to shorten it as you're still missing the obstacles. What will she have to do to get her sister back? Also, I would suggest you specify that her goal is to get her back and not just to save her (and leave her there).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
re-word: "absolutely refuses to be turning into a bird," to
ReplyDeleteabsolutely refuses to turn into a bird,
Sounds cool!
"to be turning into a bird" do you mean "to turn into a bird" or "to be turned into a bird" as it stands it doesn't make sense.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the "Freak" part since it's not referenced again. What is standing in the way of her saving her sister? Just a reluctance to turn into a bird? That makes her sound selfish, which I'm sure is not the case. It needs a stronger conflict.
Love the premise, but I think you should also specify what problems Kellen would have to overcome to save her sister.
ReplyDeleteNeat premise but I'd like to know more about what is standing in her way. I'm guessing the fact she thinks her powers are freaky have something to do with it. If so, bring that more front and center. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIs freak capitalized because it's a proper noun or is that a mistake? Even if it is a proper noun in your MS, I'd leave it lowercase. Same thing with avian. You get the point across just the same with it lowercase and it doesn't look so disjointed (to me anyway, whatever that's worth). Does she have newfound powers because she's turned into a bird after all, or is there something else going on?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I love the premise and would definitely read on.
Is freak capitalized because it's a proper noun or is that a mistake? Even if it is a proper noun in your MS, I'd leave it lowercase. Same thing with avian. You get the point across just the same with it lowercase and it doesn't look so disjointed (to me anyway, whatever that's worth). Does she have newfound powers because she's turned into a bird after all, or is there something else going on?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I love the premise and would definitely read on.
This confused me from the start. Maybe: "Twelve-year-old Kellen refuses to be a bird--or anything beyond herself" I'm sure a Freak (because you've made it a proper noun) means something in Kellen's world, but I don't know enough about that world yet. Is Kellen's conflict being turned into a bird? Is her world magical and she's not? Are powers something she must embrace to save herself (and her people)?
ReplyDelete