Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Logline Critique Round #12

TITLE: Kyte's Revenge
GENRE: YA Contemporary speculative fiction

“When the boy who nearly rapes 16-year-old Kyte Cabrerra dies in a freak accident, his family blames her. Kyte must use the power of the Santeria she’s learning from her Afro-Cuban grandfather to prove herself innocent of murder.”


  1. No quotations needed. Your story sounds awesome!

  2. There is no such thing as near rape. Sexual assault is sexual assault. There are degrees of it, but for the purposes of this pitch, we don't need to know which this is. Just say he assaults her or something that shows her connection to the crime. Next, you say he dies in a accident but imply she is accused of murder. This doesn't exactly make sense. If he's murdered, he's murdered (unless it looks like murder but she needs to prove it was a freak accident, in which case, you should state that). Finally, I think you need to give a tiny bit more information about this Santeria and how it can help her prove her innocence.

    Good luck!

  3. I love the elements of this--am intrigued by Santeria, but agree with Holly's comments that we need to have more information/clarification. I didn't understand if maybe she felt like she did use Santeria to get revenge on him.

  4. Either say assaulted or attempted rape. A freak accident becoming murder is a stretch—for a logline.

    When the boy who assaulted 16-year-old Kyte Cabrerra is murdered, she becomes the number one suspect.

    Are you speaking of the religion of Santeria? If so, bring that aspect in. That's interesting.

  5. Would this revision work?
    Sixteen year old Kyte Cabrerra must discover the secrets of Santeria, her ancestors' belief system, to prove she's innocent of murdering the teen who raped her.

    1. I like this better, but I still don't see the connection between these secrets and a court case. Also, it would help to add the stakes at the end (eg, "or she will spend the next three years in prison" or something to that effect).

  6. Sounds intriguing, but I would like to know a bit more about how Santeria can help her or whether she may have used it in an act of revenge on the boy. Good luck!

  7. Great story. I agree with changing 'nearly rapes' to 'assaults,' and detailing Santeria--is it magic, or a way of thinking?