TITLE: 'I Wouldn't Have Kids If I Was You'
GENRE: Adult Women's Commercial
I wouldn’t have kids if I was you.
Firstly they all start as babies, and babies are arseholes. They show up, sometimes uninvited, cause a shitload of pain and distress on arrival and then spend most of their time screaming loudly in a manner scientifically designed to cause maximum irritation to the adult brain.
I can think of no other circumstance in life where I would allow a complete stranger to treat me this way.
They are undoubtedly the worst, most demanding and narcissistic house guest you will ever have.
And they are so needy. They literally want you to do everything for them. Everything. “I’m hungry! Feed me” they squeal at you with indignation. “I shat myself, wipe my arse!” They bellow at you. And all of this is said with screams. Screams to tell you what they want you to do for them. You are then forced to go through an intense process of elimination to determine what the flip they actually want. Even then they might not be happy. Some of them just cry for the hell of it, even after they’ve been changed and fed.
Babies – massive eyes and layers of fluffy swaddling wrapped around the dark heart of a tiny dictator.
After arriving in the most painful fashion imaginable they then deploy devious means of torture on their captives. Because, as a parent that is essentially what you are. A captive with a sentence of 18 to life.