Thursday, July 17, 2008

#31 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

title: LAWBREAKERS
genre: science fiction



Lucas Donson hated sorting heads. The whole job sucked, but the heads
were the worst. Twisted expressions of horror or agony, glassy
eyeballs, residual blood spatters—the stares were the worst. Hands
didn't stare at him. Hell, none of the parts were as bad.

He tossed the current head on the grinder disposal line. It had a
dented skull and ugly, blotched expression. One eye had been swollen
shut. Maybe the guy had been a wannabe suicide that hadn't had the
balls, or time, to go through with it. More probable was that the man
had resisted his permitted abuser or murderer. What an idiot.

Aw, hell, I'm thinking about them again.

Luke wiped his hands on his jumper and pocketed the extracted
BrainChip into a hidden seam opening. No alarms. He kept his breathing
steady, expression blank. If he didn't twitch, no one would notice the
thefts. He picked up the next head, a woman's. Good hair, decent skin
tone. Prosthetics could probably use the lips and eyes.

He flicked on the laser-cutter and made a quick cut at the crown. He
flipped the cutter around and used the opposite end to flick the
BrainChip out. By now, having been at the job for three years, he
could have the 'Chips extracted in ten seconds flat and the parts
assessed and sorted in half a minute.

"Donson!"

Luke jumped.

22 comments:

Yunaleska said...

Yes, I'm hooked.

I wouldn't read on because its a bit too gory for me. Let's just say I'm eating my dinner as I read this, and I wish I hadn't! Good description, I like Dawson, I'm intrigued by what he's doing (it sounds illegal).

Just_Me said...

I'd try: "He'd been on the job three years and could cut the brainchip out ..."

This is such a creepy and disgusting scene, I like it! I'd like to see more.

Melusine said...

Great opening. I don't know that I'd read on, because I don't like gory things, but it's well written and definitely hooky.

Good luck. (I know who you are.)

Anonymous said...

Author here--thanks for the comments, guys! B-) Glad it hooks even (or maybe becuase of?) the gore.

Ta!

--She who will be named later

Merc said...

Mmm, gore...

Secret Agent said...

Hooked. Agree with just_me's fix in the last para but I'd totally keep reading.

Lori said...

Yes, definitely hooked. Interesting MC and really unique setting. I absolutely would read on.

Emily H said...

Even though it's pretty gory, I like it. The opening sentence is great. I might not read on just becuase I'm not a fan of gore, but then again, I might because I like the voice. I'm really torn on this one.
Good job!

Alicia said...

I suppose I'm biased, since I've read other stories of yours and loved them. This one works great for me. The gore doesn't bother me at all, and Luke makes a fascinating protagonist. Without a doubt, I'd keeping reading. Good luck with this one.

Dawn said...

Yes.
I couldn't help but want to read more. Call it morbid facination.

Inkblot said...

Seen before, still love ;)

Beth said...

Too much gore for my taste, but if I weren't so squimish, I'd say "Hooked!"

Ardyth said...

I think this author knows exactly how hooked I am. %-) *snickers*

Anonymous said...

No. I wouldn't continue but to be truthful, I don't think I would pick it up in the first place.

I dislike this type of fiction. This is no reflextion on you, your writing seems good. Just not my cup of tea.

jerzegurl

fairchild said...

Commented elsewhere. Still hooked. :)

Cate said...

Yes, I want to read more.
It's funny and grotesque without being disgusting.
I really want to know how Luke got that job sorting heads!

Katie said...

Er...maybe.

Strong pov here and I couldn't spot any nonpersonal quibbles...

but it isn't my type of thing... ./

liliannamama said...

I just can't do creepy and disgusting, so I can't say I'm hooked, but it's an extremely effective seen and well done. I'm just going to take some mylanta now.

Karen Duvall said...

Absolutely hooked! Love the gore and the allusion to high tech with brain chips and grinder disposal lines. I know what I'm getting when I read the first page of this book. And I want to know more! What are these brain chips for? Why are they important? I'm totally intrigued. 8^)

Symbol said...

Yes.

There's some redundancy in the first paragraph (I'd remove "Hell, none of the parts were as bad" for starters) and there a couple of other nits I could make a fuss about, but it hooked me which is all that's really important right now.

Good job.

Merc said...

Thank you very much for the comments and feedback, everyone! :D This is awesome.

I completely understand if it's not your thing, so thanks for reading anyway (if you said no).

I'm also extremely happy that it works for so many. There is hope!

Much obliged to everyone--thanks again!

~Merc (the author)

Just_Me said...

I saw this in the opening lines but, and I still like it!!!