GENRE: Fantasy
Some day, you'll be the greatest shifter in all of RHUNE.
Homani waved at the voice. “Go away, dead man.”
His stomach broiled. Ribs bulged through the tatters of his shirt and he poked them. “How long since I've eaten? I'm not far from dead myself.”
He stripped a boot free from a corpse and held it against his bare foot. It would fit, but wasn't meant for a boy of fourteen. He adjusted the rifle hanging past his thighs. Nothing was.
He sat down on a twisted length of steel and plucked shards of glass from his bare feet, pulled the boots on and tugged each lace as tight as they would go. He lifted one leg and wiggled his toes—loose, but better than nothing.
Since he was already resting, he pulled the strap of the rifle off his shoulder. He balled a bit of his shirt, spit in it, and scrubbed blood and dirt from the blue-gray steel. Then he knotted the strap and slung it over his neck again. It hung just above his hip. Better.
“Now how did I...?” Demon's claws and blood flashed through his mind. His voice trailed away and he abandoned the question, as if, somewhere far below conscious thought, a protective mechanism had clicked in to place.
Listen for whispers. It whispers before it shouts.
He flicked his hand at the air. “You're dead, old man. Leave me be.”
But he did listen for whispers.
I don't know if I personally would read on, as I don't like stories with demons. In a general sense, I think the first few paragraphs are interesting. From "He sat down..." to "...hip. Better." it felt like it dragged a bit. I'd already got the sense that the clothes were too big and he was in a soldier's uniform and it didn't feel like those paragraphs added anything to it.
ReplyDeleteI liked that the author had a clear vision of this world but didn't feel compelled to disgorge every bit of information about it on the first page. I liked the use of nearly 100 percent active verbs- another clue that this is a practiced writer who deserves the benefit of the doubt. I loved a couple of the lines, and that happens so rarely I would give the book credit and continue.
ReplyDeleteAsking himself how long since he's eaten did not ring true. That seemed like a device to inform the reader he hadn't eaten in a while. Rhune seems dangerously close to Dune. Remembering "demon claws" also seemed off key, though I'm not sure why; maybe it's because, in an alien world or alien time, I think they'd call them something else and we'd figure out later they were demons.
My largest hesitation would be the lack of any visible emotion.
But these are tiny things. This page has too many excellent glimmers to ignore. I'd read on, because I'd be afraid I might miss something really cool.
I like the image you've made here. You've created a very believable character and a nice, dark, world. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I think it could stand some editing, but the premise is promising and I would be willing to read on.
ReplyDeleteWhile I enjoyed it, I'm a bit confused in some places.
ReplyDeleteWhat does it mean, his stomach "broiled"? Is that a typo? If not, I don't understand the imagery--his stomach is hot? :S
I also didn't quite get how demons fit into this (although I love demons %-)), but with some cleaning up and a bit of clarification, I would give it a yes.
Good luck!
~Merc
The bit at the end "listen for whispers..." totally worked for me--at that point I'd turn the page for sure--but the things that came before, less so. I get the goal of showing the adjusting and scavenging but it didn't quite gel for me in making Honami pop off the page.
ReplyDeleteAnother cheat because I know this author and love their writing style!
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd definitely read on, but I think you might need a stronger transition before introducing the demon aspect.
Cheers!
Maybe it's just me, but the whispering thing seemed kind of confusing. I'm not sure if it's a warning to protect him from the demon, or if the dead man is talking to him or if it's a memory.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I would read on.
Hmm ... not sure. Homani seems like an interesting character. I like his voice. On a side note, I keep thinking about that vegetable kind of like corn when I pronounce his name. Am I getting it right?
ReplyDeleteThe warnings about listening for whispers confused me more than intrigued. Is it demons that make the whispers? Perhaps put a little more clarification into that aspect of the opening.
I like Homani enough to read a little more, at least enough to see if the confusion becomes clearer.
Start with that last bit, cut everything before and that's a yes.
ReplyDeleteStart with that last bit, cut everything before and that's a yes.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, and I'd read on for that. However, this beginning has way too much description for my taste (*confesses to some skimming*) and comes across a bit drafty.
ReplyDeleteAgain, cool premise though :)
I don't normally care for stories about demons... unless they're charicatures (sp?). I love the line "Listen for whispers. It whispers before it shouts." Kind of gives me goosebumps. But I'll say "pass", 'cause of the whole demon thing.
ReplyDeleteThe MC didn't grab me... he felt a bit distanced. It also felt a bit scattered, jumping from one thing to another, I'd like it to be more focused and emotional.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I like your other novel better--still. Emotion, focus, and a sense of identifying with the character. Didn't quite happen here.
Mildly hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre but I liked the imagery. I have a general understanding for what's going on, and I want to know why some old dead guy is a bother to the MC.
Yes(ish)...
ReplyDeleteI think there could be a little tidying up here. For instance - didn't sound like a fourteen year old to me.
I liked the whispers bit and the sensation of being watched by someTHING. I think you need to build on that if you can. I'm not feeling any emotional connection, which I do prefer. I was also a little confused by him poking at his own ribs after talking with a dead man. I don't think I was quite in the story enough to understand it. Rhune immediately sent me into "Dune". There's enough good here that I'd keep reading out of interest and hope, but I can't say I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. I'd read on. The talking to the dead thing didn't work for me, and the overdone description of boots and rifle was off-putting, but the rest was great. Good tension and foreshadowing.
ReplyDelete