TITLE:Geoffrey's Freedom
GENRE: fantasy adventure
GENRE: fantasy adventure
“Stop tormenting that creature” said Rowena. She sucked loudly. The globule of saliva on the corner of her lip disappeared into her toothless mouth. “Don’t be cruel when there’s no need for it.”
Broghan scowled and handed the rat to her mistress, who stroked it for a few seconds, then took a knife and shaved hairs from its rump. She dropped them into the cauldron and passed the rat back to Broghan.
“Have you finished with it now?”
“Not until I tell you.” Rowena picked up a copper bowl and turned back to the fire. Broghan held the rat to her face. Her tongue connected with its nose and the animal squeaked and squirmed.
“Broghan!”
The younger woman tried to look innocent. “I was only playing.”
Rowena snatched the rat and dropped it into a cage. “This moment has been nine hundred years in the making. Are you to spoil it now because you were ‘playing’?”
She dipped the copper bowl into the cauldron then reached inside the neck of her dress and pulled out her medallion, a heavy black ring with a five pointed star fixed into it. She lowered the medallion into the bowl. It fizzed, angrily. She peered into the bowl, putting her face into the steam so that it wet her cheeks.
I would keep reading. I'm wondering what the moment nine hundred years in the making is plus I want to get to know Broghan better - while I may not play with a rat like that, there's something about her that suggests she'll be a sympathetic protagonist.
ReplyDeleteYes. On such short aquantainceship I want to slap one character and neaten the other up. Oh and release the rat, somewhere a long way away from Broghan.
ReplyDeleteIf Rowena's face is near enough to be wet by the steam, wouldn't it also be near enough to be reddened/scalded by it?
Yes :) It was funny in places, and there are a few hooks to the story, so I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis scene is very easy to visualize and it leaves me wondering what on Earth is going on. The characters aren't exactly sympathetic, but they're real. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYep, becuase it's weird and interesting and I know who you are. %-)
ReplyDelete~Merc
That rat better be safe & sound on page 2. ;) Yep, I'd keep going with the Macbethian crones. Think about taking another run at the last 3 sentences tho--maybe combining them, that "angrily" pops to me and that's a lot of back to back "She [verb]ed the bowl".
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intriguing. Though I would tighten up the pronouns in the first line as it got a bit confusing who the "she/her" referred to.
ReplyDeleteI know the writer from a critique group. I'd keep reading for sure, because Broghan and Rowena both fascinate me. I want to know what happens next and what took nine millenniums to transpire. Nice characterization so far. Broghan is rather disturbing for a number of reasons.
ReplyDeleteI'm more confused than hooked, but I'm also interested. 1. Is Broghan a snake? Why's her tongue tasting the air if she's not? 2. separate actions of your 2 characters into different paragraphs. 3. While the characters are sometimes humorous, they're also coming off as a little cliched. Maybe because I'm not seeing an indication of parody.
ReplyDeleteYup, but I've seen it before and know where it's going ;)
ReplyDeleteCreepy! I can visualize things quite well.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading.
I liked the beginning with the MC better than this one with the villains. Then again, I know where the scene goes, and preferred the novel starting later for general plot flow, etc.
ReplyDeleteOn it's own, I did read this more (and thus would here if I hadn't already) but would still have all the other likability issues and plot issues I had with this version of chapter one.
Very good writing style, but not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteMaybe...
ReplyDeleteMy problem is I don't really care for either of these women. If I opened a book and this was the first thing I saw, I probably wouldn't read.
On the other hand - there is nothing wrong with this, except possibly a lot of "She actions" in the last paragraph.
I'd keep reading but if you hurt the rat that'd be it. ;)
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, but if anything bad happened to the rat, I'm done! The last graph had two bowls too many, but other than that, this page got me hooked.
ReplyDelete