Korea, 654 A.D.
"To be a crane in a flock of chickens."
Sorwon craned his neck, along with nearly every citizen of Yangju, to glimpse the warriors. He stood in the courtyard's center, peering through the city's gates at the horizon. Waiting.
And then he spotted them. The Hwarang. The glory of Korea, who sought honor and beauty as they wielded their sword and bent their bow.
They galloped across the open plain in the morning light, their long hair streaming behind like ribbons. Dust billowed in their wake as they rode through the gates. Yanking against the reigns, the lead warrior reared his horse. It neighed and clawed at the air before giving a submissive stance.
Sorwon bowed his head and shoulders as he and the other village boys stood in a line as straight as the bamboo tree. His fingers twitched at his sides. The summer air hung heavy on his head. Surrounding the boys, a crowd had gathered, curious to see these boys' destiny.
"Bong!" the town bell gonged from the pagoda platform. Sorwon's body jerked. Despite the strict warning to keep the proper submissive stance, all the boys' heads popped up, including his.
His uncle, the head chief, strode out to meet the Hwarang. The warriors dismounted to greet him and the four spoke muted words.
Sorwon studied these great ones. Dressed in moss green tunics and soft white pants, they carried their shoulders wide and chins high.
possibly extremely nit-picking, but wouldn't it have been refered to as The Three Kingdoms of Korea at that stage?
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid puzzling over when it became known as simply Korea, instead of the Three Kingdoms, put me off - and stopped me engaging with the characters
Interestingly enough, my kids were listening to a song from Mulan in the background as I read this! I would keep reading, but I have to admit I was already skimming slightly. I don't know if it would be a book I'd finish if it was description-heavy. I'd like to see a line or two of dialogue bumped up to this part. I do like what I've read, though! (grin)
ReplyDeleteYes,
ReplyDeleteI liked this because of where it's set, the description wasn't too detailed for me, I felt it was the right balance and it drew me into the story. Would definitely deep reading.
I probably wouldn't read on. The story strikes me as being well-written but the feel of the story isn't the right match for me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't really connect with the main character and there didn't seem to be too much indication of the plotline. At the moment, it looks like a boy becomes warrior story and other than the setting, there's not all that much to distinguish it by. But for people who the story is the right fit for, this could be a good beginning.
I like the era and the place setting. Honestly, I've never seen anything set in Korea in 654 before but I do think you need some more edits.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that jumps out is the AD label, I think they used a different calendar and I'd prefer to see that. I'd also like to see dialoge up front.
NO, not yet. It needs work. I didn't feel like I was in the MC's head, which is really what I wanted to be in to see and experience the culture during this time period, and I found all the similes highly distracting. (That, however, is a personal preference.)
ReplyDeleteWhile I think the time period could be fascinating to read about, nothing stands out about it--I don't get a sense that I'm THERE and living it with the MC< which is really what I think would make this griping.
I realize it may take some time to get fully into the world, but I would like more sensory details and get deeper into the MC's head to get it off to a stronger start.
Good luck,
~Merc
It should work for me. I can't put my finger on why it doesn't. There were nit picks - if the warriors galloped in and raised dust, the boys wouldn't see anything, and they'd be choking, for instance. It's well written, so I don't know what it is, but it didn't grab me. I think it could do so though, given a tweak.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great example of taste really coming into play. There are points where I'd tweak: "It neighed and clawed at the air before giving a submissive stance," or "Surrounding the boys, a crowd had gathered," or "the four spoke muted words" could be streamlined/made less heightened but overall this is clean and proficient. And yet, the voice feels distant, especially for this category, and I'm not connecting.
ReplyDeleteNo. The voice of the protagonist fails to resonate. I started skimming, because nothing sounded like the voice of a child. I can't pinpoint his age at all.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue for the bell bonging distracted me. Stick with just describing the sound, rather than making it into a word.
Work on developing the voice, and I think the opening will be a lot more appealing.
Not yet. There are some awkward phrasings throughout (ex: they carried their shoulders wide and chins high). Nor am I really feeling your MC's excitement or apprehension just yet.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. You do a nice job of putting me in the setting and telling me Sorwon's destiny is at stake. My point of view seemed to shift as far as what angle the riders were seen at. I saw them riding past and then they were coming in, but yes, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd give this a few more pages to hook me, but just from this snippet it doesn't really do it for me. The POV is distant, and I don't really feel a connection to the scene.
ReplyDeleteThe worldbuilding looks shiny though, and that's what would keep me going for a few more pages :)
Two things that stood out:
* Repetition of 'crane' - in the quote, then imediately in the first sentence.
* "before giving a submissive stance" - awkward phrasing.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI would ask for the entire ms, because your words transported me. I want to know what conflicts the MC will face and how he will face and grow from them. I want to know about his town and his century. I was so taken with this opening page, I shared it with my husband, a military history major. He too wants to read the rest of the ms.
I did notice one typo in the third graf. "Reigns" should be "reins."
It would be difficult for me to red line any of your words. Each carries its weight, shows instead of tells and carries me forward.
MLF
Sorry: Not hooked. "Glimpse the warriors"? Do you mean "get a glimpse of the warriors"? Overall, just not my cup o' tea.
ReplyDeleteI totally love the setting and idea for a historical fiction, being interested in this part of the world myself for a slightly different idea... but I have a feeling this beginning doesn't quite show off the story's strong points. I think some reworking would give it more hook and bring out the MC's personality.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more, because I like stories about Asian warriors/culture, but it wasn't very engaging. I didn't get enough of the MC's excitement, nervousness, etc.
For some reason "Bong!" stuck out like a sore thumb, to me.
Other than that, it was well-written and has potential.
No.
ReplyDeleteBut not because it doesn't have potential. The subject alone got me excited.
But the writing feels forensic and like a report of events. Make me feel the grit, make me smell the horses, and put me at eye level with the POV char and I'll bite.
I forgot to add earlier that your writing is as strong to me as Linda Sue Park's. My husband and I were talking about your ms again this afternoon, and he half joked about whether we could join your critique group so that we could keep reading your ms :)
ReplyDeleteMLF
Yes(ish)
ReplyDeleteI kept looking for personal character in depth thingies from your protagonist, something to make him stand out from that line of boys.
But this is nicely written so I'd read on a bit more.
Erm... one thing about "Sorwon". Everytime I came across his name I kept thinking about the evil eye guy and the evil wizard from LOTR (what was it - Sauron and Sorromon? :p ) - it was a little distracting.