Genre: Young Adult Adventure/Fantasy
“Samantha!”
Samantha Liffey jerked back, dropped her book and slammed her head on the wall behind her bed. “Ouch!” Her eyes watering, she glared at her sister. “Teresa! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
“I’ve been calling you for ten minutes. Get up! We’re going to the flea market.”
“Leave me alone. Take one of your friends.” Sam stuck her novel in front of her face, blocking Teresa from view.
“Come on. We’ll do some sister-sister bonding.”
“Oh, puleeze. Where is this stupid flea market anyway?”
"Salem."
Sam frowned. "Dad says I'm not allowed to go there."
Teresa snatched the book from Sam’s grasp. “Well, Dad also says I can’t leave you here by yourself, so if I’m going, you’re going.”
“Give that back!”
“You’ve read this like eighteen times already. I’ll buy you another one at the market, ok?” Teresa headed out the door, still carrying Sam’s book.
“Fine!” Sam yelled. “But you can answer to Dad!” She tugged on her sandals, ran downstairs and climbed into Teresa’s aging Buick, with its chipped paint, missing side mirror, and broken back window.
Teresa turned to stare at Sam. "Sam, listen to me. When we get there, you're not to leave my side. Got it? You stay with me the entire time and do not wander off alone, whatever you do."
"Why? It's only an old flea market."
"Do as I say.” Teresa started the car and pulled out of the driveway.
Yes, I liked how the sisters chatted to each other. Initially I thought 'okay, what's so interesting about the market' but Teresa's mystery comments about the market dragged me into the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure. Why would an older sister, obviously thought to be dependable by the father, take her younger sister someplace the father has explicitly forbid her to go? I might read a little farther, but I'd need a few answers pretty quick.
ReplyDeleteI'm easily swayed, I'd probably buy the book for the title because I love Baba Yaga stories.
ReplyDeleteI'm very curious why the older sister *needs* to go to the flea market so baddly and why their father would ban one from going and not the other.
No. I don't like the older sister and her bullying, and I wasn't sufficiently enamoured of the younger one to care. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, not really. While the DL is snappy and I'm curious about what happens at the flea market (like the title, too), it didn't really grab me until they were in the pick up. Could you maybe start with them at the flea market and have Sam very aware she isn't supposed to be here, despite her sister's reassurances?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
This is another "on the fence" for me that would tip depending on the query. I'd love to see a bit more of why Theresa turns from "quit being a baby and come" to "don't leave my side." You've set it up for Sam to ask exactly that, too, but she doesn't. I think that would help ratchet up the tension, and reinforce that Teresa knows something Sam doesn't, and move this more firmly into a yes. I also heartily endorse the comment upthread to see if it works to have them have this convo upon arriving/entering the flea market--again, pumping up the sense of urgency.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. It has promise, but the characters aren't resonating to me. It feels like rehashed sibling rivalry with nothing really new being introduced to make the situation unique until the very end.
ReplyDeleteNot sure. I need to know more about the plot before I continue. The dialogue between sisters works for me, but I can't quite accept what would motivate Teresa to take Sam to a flea market in Salem when she seems so anxious about Sam getting separated from her. That in itself makes the opening kind of interesting, but the back and forth of Salem being no big deal and Salem seeming dangerous feels too indecisive. I'd suggest having Teresa blow it off and Sam being more worried. It seems like Teresa wouldn't be fussed about Salem until something unsettling happens there.
ReplyDeleteI'm not totally hooked, but I would keep reading. I get the feeling that something is going to happen at the flea market. I hope that helps! :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe. My biggest problem with this is that I don't feel like there's any characterisation. We have two siblings, arguing. Okay. Why these two? Who are they? Do they always argue, or is this unusual? etc etc.
ReplyDeleteYou could work some characterisation in with some of the MC's thoughts, maybe a bit of description from her POV to show how she sees things. That would give us more attachment to the story, and make us more invested in seeing what happens to her :)
Have already read and commented elsewhere, I believe :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know... it seemed the names were repeated a lot and the kid voices, while authentic, didn't add anything new and sparkly... I might go a bit further just to check it out, but it would have to offer a real hook for me to read the whole thing.
ReplyDeleteI've read this one before :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I like this version, though. The big sister seems inconsistent with not caring about Sam's feelings, to being very worried about her coming.
Otherwise, I like the dialogue between the sisters.
(I also like merc's idea about starting it off in the flea market.)
Yes. It's fun and easy to read (which is critical for its target audience), and you immediately get a sense of the characters from their very natural dialogue. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHmm, no, but I think I could be.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know why Dad says Sam isn't allowed to go to Salem, then why Theresa is so adamant that Sam stay close to her. Since this is YA, I'm assuming Sam is plenty old enough to stay home by herself, yet Theresa says she can't. So, what's wrong with Sam? Perhaps give us a tiny hint...then I'm sure I'd be hooked.
Like others have mentioned, I wasn't fond of Theresa. She was too bossy for my taste, and made Sam seem younger than YA.
Thanks everyone for your comments both positive and negative - and thank you SO MUCH Secret Agent, for taking the time to do this. I'm psyched to begin improving my manuscript! Cheers and good luck to all.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course a big MUCHAS GRACIAS to Authoress for putting this together. You rock. I appreciate it very much.
ReplyDeleteYes!
ReplyDeleteI want to see what's so dangerous about this flea market. Or better, why does Sam's sister want to go there? B)
No.
ReplyDeleteThis looks fun, but the dialog feels chunky and contrived. I can't imagine people talking like this, particularly young people.
When I hear teens chatter, I can barely interpret it. What's written here is textbook sentences with quotes around them.
If the grammar starts to look like real, abbriviated, hip, atrocious conversation, I'll bite.
No, sorry. Conflict is good, but contradictions? No so much. And you have a few going on here. Teresa waffles, yet she's confident about it. It's too WTF for me.
ReplyDelete