I stared at my brother. I had no idea what he meant.
He stared back in silence. The years hadn't been kind to him, that much was certain. I pursed my lips at his dark, sunken eyes, unkempt hair, and too-skinny frame. Dirt clung to his shirt, and his shoes were scuffed and nearly worn through at the toes.
I frowned. "Really, Andrew. It's nice to see you and all, but" – I glanced up and down the perfectly manicured street – "did you have to show up like this?"
He shrugged and maintained his stare. "You have something of mine."
I suppressed a sigh. Better let him in before the neighbours see. I stepped aside and jerked my head.
His eyes widened briefly, but he stepped inside eagerly enough. I wondered how long it had been since he'd been somewhere warm – his hands were mottled with cold.
He hovered in the hallway, and I stepped past him and led the way to the kitchen. "Drink?"
He nodded. "Something warm would be great."
He slid onto one of the stools that edged the bench, and I turned away to rummage for the mugs and hot chocolate. "So," I said, trying to keep my voice casual. "What brings you here?" I hadn't seen him in what, ten? Eleven years, now? As I turned, mugs in hand, I caught his eye. I inhaled, hit by the intensity of his gaze.
Yes :) I've seen this before, and am looking forward to reading the rest. I like how the first line is repeated, reiterating the hook. Nice one!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd keep reading...just to find out what the brother's been through, why the sister's more concerned with what the neighbors think than her brother's well-being and what exactly of his she has.
ReplyDeleteAhh.... I've seen this one before too.
ReplyDeleteI do still love the opening though. Very good. :o)
Seen this one of course, and I think I already told you what I think. ;) It's still a maybe until Heather's voice is fixed. I like Andrew's ominous comments and the tone, but overall it doesn't quite grab me.
ReplyDeleteLuck!
~Merc
Definitely intrigued. Conflict, and interesting character, and a mystery-- all within 250 words! Though I'd rework the part where she remarks that his hands are mottled-- that made me think of a baby duck.
ReplyDeleteI've read this opening, but haven't read the whole piece. I would read more :D I don't like the "he hovered in the hall" or whatever; makes me think that he has an anti-gravity pack strapped to his back %-)
ReplyDeleteYes. I might tighten a few spots (strike second line, cut to "The years hadn't been kind to my brother, that much..."; lose the second line about his clothes) but I'd want to see where this is headed.
ReplyDeleteI've seen this one before now, and I like how it's been tightened in several places. I'm still intrigued and want to know more about Andrew. I love his ominous comment throughout the scene. Yes, I'd keep reading more.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here! *waves*
ReplyDeleteThank you for the kind comments, everyone!
*chuckle* Love what the formatting's done for me, emphasising that last line :D
Will work on tightening (something I need to learn to apply to all my writing :S) and characterisation - yes, Merc, Heather is a beast. *stabs Heather's lack of consistent personality*
:d
Yes.
ReplyDeleteI want to know if the brother is up to something sinister and what this will mean for the MC.
MLF
Seen this one before. Beginning paras could be tighter, but not bad - definitely improved on earlier versions.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteAlso read this before. It reads much tighter now.
Yes - still as interesting as the first time I read it! The mystery appeals, as do the family dynamics.
ReplyDeleteI liked it and would read on. I want to know what she has and why they are so different.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. I would definitely read on. I like Heather's voice, and love the mystery about what she has of his. Also want to know more about the brother, and why he looks so shabby.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I thought this start set up both the characters and the plot and I'd like to see where this goes.
ReplyDeleteOne small thing: how could she see his hands so clearly? I was trying to picture where she would be and he would be for her to see his hands but wasn't quite sure where to put them.
Good, Hook. I want to know what she has of his. :-)
ReplyDeleteI've never seen this before (puts me in a minority it seems!) but I loved the intensity and repetion, against the more placid and normal narrative of the POV.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit the idea of the street being manicured amused me.
I'd read on.
Yes<:
ReplyDeleteI know I said this before, but the brother really creeped me out and I wanted to find out why. :)
That said - you have a lot of sentences that start with "He".
Afraid not, sorry. The opening line is great, but then I lost interest.
ReplyDeleteI got impatient with the brother repeating "you have something of mine." Makes him sound like a robot. I was glad when he asked for a warm drink, because then he seemed human. But I got really annoyed when he slipped right back into "you have something of mine." It made his character seem inconsistent.
I also expected Heather to just ask what she had that he thought belonged to him. But she didn't, instead she says "so what brings you here?" even though he's already answered that question with his "you have something of mine" mantra. :)
So, I guess that if Heather was more straightforward, and if the brother was more consistent (i.e. always a robot and doesn't accept a warm drink, or stays more human after accepting the drink), then I'd definitely have been hooked.
Hope that's helpful. :)
Hey there, Inky.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely hooked me.
But... It's odd how he shows up all of a sudden and the first thing she asks when she invites him in is if he wants a drink. Doesn't she want to know why he's here right away rather than be nice hostess?
Yes.
ReplyDeleteInky, I thought this was very good (read it first time not knowing it was you, but didn't comment because the SA had already done you, and you had quite a lot of feedback)
I thought the scenario was set up very well. The homeless and enigmatic (and slightly strange/obsessed brother), juxtaposed against the ordinary suburban setting.
I found the 3 repetitions of "you have something of mine" jarring. Twice I think you can get away with, spaced a page apart works, but that middle one needs to be reworded slightly to still illustrate his single-mindedness, but not to jar as a direct repetition - unless for some reason it's absolutely necessary (ie. he's been hypnotised, or in some other way mind-programmed).
Well done. And congrats on the SA's positive assessment.
I'm interested in reading on, but the brother is more interesting than the MC in this small section... I wonder if you could spice her up a little.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd have to agree the brother is more interesting, but antagonists frequently are. I'm fascinated by this and would definately read on. The only thing I tripped on was "hands mottled by cold". I'm thinking he's a corpse potentially, but I don't know how she'd know the discoloration's by cold or something else. My only real comment. Well done!
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteThe last repetition of "you have something of mine" was unnecessary (you'd be better off just ending on "...hit by the intensity of his gaze"), and the "mottled by cold" thing didn't make sense (are his hands so badly frostbitten that necrosis is setting in?) but it worked for me overall.
A little more polishing and you're set.
Hooked? Yes.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely keep reading.
The only thing that stood out for me was the voice in this phrase:
I hadn't seen him in what, ten? Eleven years, now?
I would rework to something more like this:
I hadn't seen him for ten or eleven years.
The phrase as written might be something you would say, but it stands out in the description of the scene.
Good work.
yes, hooked. Very intrigued to find out what she could have the he thinks is his. Only suggestion, I'd like to know right at the beginning where they are. Maybe say, "I stared at my brother on the porch."
ReplyDeleteonetiredmama
I really like the hook, here. It's very well-done, with just enough repitition to keep the reader going. I would certainly keep reading, and your writing style is just lovely. :) Keep up the good work, I'll root for you!
ReplyDelete