Genre: Upper middle grade supernatural
His mother shot him her “ask me that one more time and I’ll blow my stack” look. “I already explained,” she said through clenched teeth. “Critical cases first, then serious ones. Sprains like yours get pushed to the end of the line.”
“But it’s been, like, six hours!” Daniel said. “And what if it’s broken?” He removed the icepack and grimaced at his swollen left wrist, now dark purple ringed in blue. He couldn’t move his fingers without pain shooting all the way to his elbow. And it hurt. Oh yeah, it hurt.
Mom picked up a magazine. “It’s been four hours, and it’s not broken. And maybe you’ll think twice the next time you decide to slice up the place on your skateboard.”
Daniel groaned. “It’s ‘shred,’ Mom.”
“Whatever. Try to be patient. Just sit back and take a nap.”
Nap. Right. Like that could happen in an emergency room, with doors banging open every two seconds and the occasional pain-filled shout from behind some curtain. No matter how much he squirmed, he couldn’t get comfortable.
At least the waiting room had emptied out. Only eight people remained. Daniel propped his feet on the chair in front of him.
I like your opening sentence.
ReplyDeleteThe scene itself is typical. I've waited in ER's with screaming kids before and it's not a fun memory to relive. I might read on if the back of the book were good, but the opening page is standard. Good characterization thought.
To me the Mom's voice/action seems more realized and sharp than Daniel's. Not a plus for hooking me on a MG. But I did like the opening (ten to midnight and ready to jump out the window is really intriguing, then to pull back and reveal an ER? Nice choice.)
ReplyDeleteI too liked the opening line, but it sort of dragged from there for me. Daniel doesn't grab me as an interesting MC yet (although I like his mom!). I'd like to see more of his unique voice and what makes him an engaging protagonist.
ReplyDeleteI do sympathize with his situation--I hurt my wrist playing soccer once and it's ain't fun trying to wait to get it looked at. :P
The "supernatural" in the genre intrigues me, but I would like to be more invested in the situation or Daniel to really get pulled in (without seeing the back cover blurb to know what it's about).
Good luck!
~Merc
I was totally hooked by this. I like the voice of Daniel and how he corrects his mother on "shredding". That was great. I wasn't imagining him to be twelve though, I don't know why, but I thought how he talked to his mother and the quick wit in the narrative sounded more 14-15-ish. Definitely more teen than pre-teen, to me. But great! You hooked me!
ReplyDeleteYes, because of the opening line.
ReplyDeleteThe voice made me laugh. Especially when David's mother got the skating terminology wrong.
The rest of the scene dragged a little for me, but I'd have to read the rest of the chapter before deciding whether to keep reading or not. It's got my attention for now.
The first comment intrigued me, but from there it seemed pretty normal. I was hoping it would be an interesting sprain, but was kind of disappointed to find out it was a pretty standard skateboarding incident. Unless his skateboard is a major element of the plotline, this doesn't seem important to me. Granted, his sprained ankle could be important to the story, but I personally don't think it warrants the first 250 words of the story. However, I would read at least a little more before putting the book down.
ReplyDeleteI liked the character voice here so I'm going with a yes.
ReplyDeleteSorry, no.
ReplyDeleteI like the style of narration very much in this one. The setting and characterisation is wonderful. But unfortunately I have no idea where it is going and so have not yet been hooked.
It didn't really grab me, I have to say, but then I am not of the age group you're looking for. I felt that if he was in pain, he wouldn't be bothered about correcting his mum's terminology. He'd have bigger things to worry about.
ReplyDeleteI liked Mom though.
I probably wouldn't read on. There's some nice writing up front and good character work but there don't seem to be any signals as to where the story's going. Characters are important when I read a book but plot is what I read for and I need more of an indication of where the story's going when I'm browsing in a book store.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph until I read on. I'm not sure why a 12-year-old boy would consider throwing himself through a glass window in this situation...he'd just hurt himself more and he doesn't seem to tolerate much pain.
ReplyDeleteI also don't really think his mother speaking through clenched teeth fits here. Yes, she seems annoyed and irritated- and she has every right to be, from the sounds of it- but speaking through clenched teeth sounds like something you'd do when you're FURIOUS. Just a few things to consider.
Great job with the opening paragraph. Please take my comments with a grain of salt- I haven't read a middle-grade novel in years.
Emily H
Yes, but...
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph hooked me. Daniel seems like a interesting kid when you tells us he's ready to throw himself through the window. But after that first paragraph he takes a backseat to his mother's character. By the end of the entry, Daniel comes off as less engaging than your first paragraph promised.
Also, his mom's “ask me that one more time and I’ll blow my stack” look, might work better as an ask-me-that-one-more-time-and-I’ll-blow-my-stack look. That way we won't confuse it with the dialogue that immediately follows.
All in all though, I like that you've used an everyday scene to open. It's something your reader can relate to, but you've built in enought tension to keep us wanting more. I'd read on. Nice work!
No.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence was great. Caught my attention, but the aftermath of it left little to be desired.
I agree with RedDuck, the kid seemed more around fourteen than anything else. But it still drug on for me.
Perhaps with your target audience, but for me it didn't grip me.
From this opening, no.
ReplyDeleteBut if I knew more about the plot, perhaps. I love supernatural stories.
So far, the mom seems more characterized than Daniel. He feels like the usual teenager, groaning and complaining too much. I need to know more about him on a personal level before I feel invested in him.
I am curious how the ER visit leads into a supernatural book, so if I had a plot blurb to tell me more, I might continue reading.
Sorry, but if I had picked this up in a store and read the first page I wouldn't be hooked enough to buy it.
ReplyDeleteIt's a very typical scene of an ER waiting room. For someone with a short attention span (aka, me), not enough conflict or promise of conflict. But, like someone said earlier, I like the characterization.
I think I'll give a tentative yes, and would continue reading to the end of the chapter just to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments about the great opening line and the mom's character being spot-on. I guess I'm just looking for the "what makes your MC/setting/ situation, etc" different angle.
thanks, everyone, for taking time to offer feedback! I have some work to do :)
ReplyDeleteMy best,
No. 4
Mildly curious, I'd probably read it if there was nothing else at hand, but I'm not hooked. It's too "ordinary" for a beginning. Good writing, though!
ReplyDeleteJust from this, No.
ReplyDeleteGood voice, setting. Captures the tension and impatience nicely. But I would need to know more about where it's going.
I love mid-grade and the writing is pretty smooth, so I'd defintely read on. I think you could add a bit more spark to it though... help us feel Daniel clearer as a unique character.
ReplyDeleteGood scene and good writing. However I don't know what the story is. It didn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI liked the mother's voice, but the kid didn't sound like a teenager. Perhaps it's because I've been in the ER with a teenager who broke his ankle skateboarding. Instead of whining he slipped some cash to his brother and got him to smuggle candy from the machine, delaying his surgery. I'd love to see the wheels turning more in his head.
Trust me, their wheels are always spinning.
Opening line was great BTW
First sentence felt too long - I'd cut it in two. Agree that the mum feels more developed voice-wise than D.
ReplyDeleteNeeds polish and tightening, but overall a big yes from me :)
No
ReplyDeleteDaniel feels too generic for me, just another whiny kid correcting his tragically unhip mom (who comes across as far more sympathetic). I haven't read much YA, but this sort of thing is too overdone for my tastes.
Hmm, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe situation seems too normal. Normal is good but there's got to be strong characters to make me interested in how they handle the everyday situation. The MC didn't come through as much as the mother and I wasn't pulled in to read further about him. At this point it is not focused on any one special event, so all I am expecting is more everyday occurences in a 12-year-old's life.
No-ish...
ReplyDeleteI want to like this and the title/genre looks promising. But it might need more of a hook and editing. Like - if nobody's looked at his wrist yet and had it x-rayed, how does the mom know it's just a sprain? *looks puzzled*
“When is this going to be over?”
Did he mean the pain?
This felt like it started too late. I wanted to see the scene that led to the sprain.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the opening sentence. And the scene is good, I just wanted to start earlier.