Thursday, March 3, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #21

TITLE: The Road to Pieces
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Sixteen-year-old Amanda Javeaux's twin was taken away from her by a team of demon-slayers for an unrevealed cause. Amanda becomes estranged from her demon-slayer mother, who holds a high rank within the demon-slaying agency and padlocks Amanda's door at night to prevent her from escaping.

Mom stopped just outside my door and leaned on the doorframe, her perfect body spilling out of a black sequined dress with a built in push-up bra. She stood in the same place Dorian stood earlier, but while Dorian was all about risk and chance and belief, Mom radiated certainty and authority, things that could never go wrong.

I realized that close to three weeks had passed since we said more to each other than hello and good-bye.

But we said neither of those things to each other now.

Mom was chewing gum, the kind stuffed with protein powder to give you energy after a marathon. I wondered how tired she really was, under her mask of foundation and cream shadow. "Tell me how you got out," she said.

Her gaze slid past me, to the skates lying on my bed. I wondered if she would try to take them away. I wondered if I would fight her when she tried.

"No," I said. "Youâ'd stop me."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah I do." It was the truth, because it was what I believed. And it was time for me to trust in what I believed.

Mom dropped the subject. "What have you been doing after you got out?" she wanted to know. There was a steely catch to her voice, as if she'd realized just how much time I'd stolen for myself.

Healing myself, I thought.

Learning to fight.

Falling in love.

Breaking free.

"Everything," I said.

14 comments:

  1. I really like the ending inner thoughts of the girl. Dramatic self-realization perfect for a teenager. I also like the latent danger I'm sensing from the mom. The only thing that bothers me is "What have you been doing after you got out?" The verb tense seems wrong. "What did you do after you got out?" seems better.

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  2. I really like this one. Just a few small things:

    I don’t think you need the “But” in “But we said neither of those things…”

    In the sentence, “I wondered if I would fight…” the “when she tried” is both a little confusing and redundant. You said earlier “if” she would try to take them, but now you’re repeating that saying she will take them. Maybe try rewording it so it’s just wondering if she would fight, like maybe “I wondered if I would fight her to keep them”.

    But other than those two small things, I really liked this section. I liked the image of Dorian (whoever he is) and Mom standing in the same place, but representing opposite things, and I love the tension between Mom and the MC.

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  3. Lots of tension here, and great imagery. Some nits, but they've already been picked.

    Good job. I want to know more!

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  4. Echoing others here. I really liked this, and I'd definitely read on!

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  5. I don't have anything to add that hasn't been covered. I loved this and want to read what happens before and after this scene!

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  6. Healing myself, I thought.

    Learning to fight.

    Falling in love.

    Breaking free.

    I'm not sure you need the "I thought" up there. I'm also not sure I like this list set up like that, taking up so much of the page. But I really liked the tension in this and I'm interested to see where it's going.

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  7. I'm resorting to nits because this is so well done. It pretty much works as is, I thought. You caught my attention and made me want to read more, and the MC's sudden sense of empowerment comes across as sudden (which is really nice, considering I don't know what has been going on thus far) and feels like it means a lot to her.

    Parg 1 - Dorian HAD stood earlier
    Parg 2 - cut 'I realized'
    Parg 3 - cut 'but'
    Parg 5 - cut the "I wondered's" Would she take them away? Would I fight her if she tried?
    Parg 6 - What have you been doing WHEN you GO out. And cut 'she wanted to know." Redundant.

    Nicely done!

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  8. I really like this. The description of the mom is great - she is definitely not driving the minivan for the soccer carpool.

    I especially loved the last bit here from "Healing myself" all the way to the end. I think there is some small tightening up you could do.

    For example: But we said neither of those things to each other now.

    could be: But we said neither of those things.

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  9. I liked this one. And agree with everything mentioned before me, so no point in repeating it all. Good job

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  10. Nice Job.

    I'm confused about the skates - are they ice skates? Roller Skates? But maybe that's explained earlier or later.

    Either way - I like this.

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  11. Powerful! Great job, great tension. Don't have anything to add to the above comments, except for maybe where to find the black dress with the built-in push-up bra.

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  12. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  13. Thanks to everybody who read! (author here) Your constructive feedback is much appreciated :)

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