TITLE: BITTERSWEET MELODY
GENRE: YA Paranormal Romance
One thing I can say for sure is I'm the only muse in history to ever have been grounded. I know this is true because my father told me. Well, more like screamed it at me while gripping the heck out of a lightning bolt, holding it over his head like a maniac. He totally over-reacted, of course. I mean, come on. Revoking my Inspiration License and grounding me for a hundred years? That completely sucks!
"Sucks" is a word I learned from my sister Calliope. She spends a lot of time with humans and picks up the best phrases. Whenever she comes home from a case she teaches them to me. Calliope's a lot more fun than my other sisters--and there are many of us, not just three or nine like humans are mislead to believe. And the only one who's ever been suspended from inspiring? That's right: me. It's so unfair. My father says I had it coming, but I swear I'm not a trouble maker; I'm just misunderstood.
But that's all over with now. I've served my time and I'm about to get my freedom back. Don't get me wrong, Mount Olympus is pretty much the most beautiful place ever, but I've had it with being locked up here unable to do what I was born to do.
The last step toward my ticket out of here is a meeting with my Inspiration Officer so I can get my license back. That's where I am now.
Looks like fun. Focusing on the muses is a nice twist I haven't yet seen in Greek myth-inspired stuff, especially with quirky stuff like having licenses suspended. I would expect the romance angle comes in when she falls in love with someone she's supposed to be inspiring. I have to say I'm hoping for a more unpredictable direction, but either way, I like the tone and the world-building, and I'd keep reading. The writing is solid.
ReplyDeletethis is a great premise and nice writing! Love the idea. I would probably drop the last line (where I am now...) jars the reader out of the writing. Tells not shows. Other than that, fun!
ReplyDeletelike this alot. great flow, and has the teen voice pretty nailed.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice in this and I like the muse aspect as well. My biggest concern with this section (and it really isn't that big considering what seems to be coming next) is it reads like backstory. *shrug* I still liked it though :)
ReplyDeleteI love the premise. I would definitely read it. The voice is strong and very much a teenager. I wonder a bit why she hasn't matured in the thousands of years she must've been alive, but if she had, it wouldn't be YA, so I'm willing to go with it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the last line doesn't work well for you. With it there, I'm expecting the whole thing to go from past tense, which is working, to present tense which is trickier and might not.
I enjoyed this. I was disappointed to discover she wasn't still grounded. I thought that's what the story would be about--sneaking off to inspire people anyway. But I'd definitely read on because I like the premise and voice and wonder what's going to go wrong in the next scene.
ReplyDeletethis is lighthearted and fun, and I think I can see where it's going from the title. It' sort of reminded me of The Little Mermaid at first. In a good way! Great work~
ReplyDeleteBest, :o)
Great voice and very smooth to read. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and world! I agree with Seleste that it reads like backstory. Could you start in the Inspiration Officer's office instead? I also thought it would be about her being grounded. That confusion would be fixed by starting a few paragraphs later.
ReplyDeleteSounds fun!
I agree with the other commenters about the backstory issue. But even with that, I would keep reading. Great concept. Great voice. That would be enough for me to buy it :-)
ReplyDeleteA lot to like here. The voice is fresh and fun, the writing smooth (though I did spot a spelling error. Mislead should be misled.) A unique premise and an easy read. My one concern is the info dumping happening so early on. Is all this information necessary right off the bat? In any case, thanks for sharing and good luck to you :)
ReplyDeleteI love the voice here and you have a great concept. I'd keep reading, but toward the end of this section, you lose pace. It slows down. After she says she's not a trouble maker, I'm ready to see some action or hear some dialogue. Instead of telling us where she is, how about her name gets called or her Inspiration Officer addresses her in some way?
ReplyDeleteI love the premise and the voice :-D Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Nothing happened. I don't know who your MC is. Yes, she's a Muse. But which one? I don't know her gender (I do because I know the Muse's are female, but will your audience know that?) I don't know what her problem is, because the grounded issue has been resolved. You've basically spent the entire first page talking about something that doesn't matter (being grounded for a hundred years) because the story - when it eventually arrives - is not going to be about being grounded for a hundred years.
ReplyDeletePerhaps consider starting this when she first sees the person she supposed to inspire?
The concept sounds fun, and the writing is very fluid and readable, but I agree with some of the other commentators that the backstory should be grounded by something happening in the here and now.
ReplyDeleteIt might be a personal taste thing though, and it definitely works. Good luck with this!
The voice in this piece caught me right away. The premise feels fresh and I'm interested in finding out more. I actually like this as a start to the story since it gives us a clear sense of her voice, who/what she is (even if we don't have her name yet, I think that's an easy fix or soon to be remedied) and even if it picks up at the end of her grounding, it's a unique twist that reveals her personality and a bit about her relationship with her dad.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, because I'd love to read this one!
I really love the teenage voice of your muse character. It's fun to get into her head and see her point of view in this world. It's original to have a muse as your non-human character b/c it's very different from the other non-human characters in other books. I would definitely read more of this novel!
ReplyDeleteAgreed, the voice is strong and fun. I'd read more. I also agree with others that starting in the IO's office is a good way to go and would root the reader in the present story so they don't think it's about her being grounded (which is what happened to me, and would me for a boring story, unless she broke her punishment, of course). But while the voice is very strong, the whole package will need to be top notch throughout to stand out from the crowd of other Mt. Olympus stuff I've seen. Looks promising.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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