TITLE: Kiss of Death
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
The dead man peered around the corner of Pierce and Martin, watching the woman in the red dress. Of course, Max had been dead in human terms for a long time, far longer than the few months since Jocelyn Reyes pierced his heart with a stake. As far as vampires were concerned though, he was barely an adolescent, albeit one with far more power than most of them would care for. He narrowed his eyes as a man wearing a fedora strode up to his target.
The tightness in Max's muscles didn't ease until the man walked by her without more than a passing glance. The recent trend toward old fashions was driving Max crazy. It was bad enough trying to keep an eye on Jocelyn from the shadows without worrying that every person walking by in a pin-up dress or double-breasted suit was a vampire stuck in a time-warp rather than fashion-conscious banker.
And then there was Jocelyn herself.
Max had promised to leave her alone, to stay out of her life unless she needed him. Yet how could he know when that time would be unless he watched her? Though part of him railed against the logic, he refused to accept that keeping track of her meant he was breaking his word. She moved through life like she believed her troubles had died with him when nothing could be further from the truth.
Besides, when he didn't follow her, he dreamed about her every time he closed his eyes.
This sounds intersting, I would read more. flow is nice, still I feel like I've read this before.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. I really like the hook.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck.
At first I thought it was about a zombie, must have them on the brain. Love the pace and flow of the writing. Very smooth. :)
ReplyDeleteThe first line made me think zombie, and I don't think I need to know the street names, but this sets up the coming story very nicely with just a few words, so well done.
ReplyDeleteI'm with DB. The "dead man" through me off and street names tend to distract me unless you're naming somewhere famous or significant to the story. I'm not big on stories starting with a stalkerish feel to them, but I am curious about how he's still walking around after she "pierced his heart." It flows well and my interest is peaked. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI love the first line - very gripping! Great opening - I would love to read more!
ReplyDeleteI wasn't sure I'd like this at first, and then by the last line, I was totally wanting to know more. That's very good writing!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck~ <3
Wow, this was good. I have only a couple nitpicks: the opening line. Dead man to me came across as 'marked for death.' After seeing 'vampire' later on, the 'dead man' tag didn't work for me. Second, the bit about 'more power than most' felt like telling. It'd be better if it came out in the action rather than the narrative.
ReplyDeleteBut the bits about the setting, the fashion, the haunting feelings towards Jocelyn? Fabulous.
I like the first line about the "dead man," but I agree we don't need the street names. If they're important, work them in later.
ReplyDeleteYou need a comma after "She moved through life like she believed her troubles had died with him," but otherwise this is smooth.
I'm confused by the line where Jocelyn staked him. Don't vampires die when staked? I feel that paragraph is a little confusing.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the first sentence worked. I was intrigued by "dead man" and the mention of corner clued me into the streets (it would be a little helpful if the street names weren't also people names?). I'm definitely intrigued.
ReplyDeleteYou could tighten up a few areas, but overall the writing flow well. I was a little confused over the face that Jocelyn had put a stake through his heart (an actual stake?) and the fact that he loved her, and was supposed to stay out of her life unless she needed him... if she staked him, why does she need him? -grins- Still, I have a feeling that takes a little more than 250 words to explain. hehe
Sadie Hart
I liked the first sentence. It makes you sit up and take notice. Naming the streets could be a good idea if you're setting this in a major city. Naming 2 well known streets, or even one, could set the scene immediately.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could lose the entire second parg. and the man in the hat. There doesn't seem to be anything important there. There's also a lot of info dumping. Stick to the story.
You lost me at the stalking. I'm assuming these two will eventually fall in love, and their stuation is already too twisted for me. SHe's already killed him, and he's stalking the woman he supposedly loves. He's lived thousands of years and hasn't yet matured beyond a high school mentality? Too unbelievable for me, even within the genre.
This sets up a potentially very interesting relationship between the vampire and Jocelyn. And a nice romantic one, too. I'd read a few more pages to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteOne nitpicky thing: does the vampire's comments about retro fashion mean that vampires dress in the current day in the clothes contemporary to the era they were turned? That's what this seems to imply. It wouldn't make them very inconspicuous if that's the case, but maybe they don't want to me. Curious.