TITLE: Feel
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Asia finds out why her mother has been obsessed with the mail for years.
Mom threw her closet doors open and her willowy arms struggled to yank a duffle bag from the top shelf, caught on the heels of old sandals. The bag broke free as one of the chunky sandals smashed into the bridge of her nose. I expected her to scream, but she didn't.
"What is it time for?" My voice barked like a yippy-dog.
She began paging through clothes in her dresser, hurling most of them to the floor.
"These won't do," she whined. The red mark on her nose intensified and a droplet of blood peeked out from her nostril.
"Won't do for what?" I snatched up the sealed orange envelope from her dresser, postmarked from New Delhi.
Mom swept it out of my hand. "It is from your grandmamma. She's dying, and I must go to her." She wiped her nose with the back of her hand, creating a red smudge across her cheek.
"But you haven't opened it yet. The letter. How do you...?"
"Because it is orange like the setting sun." Her voice cracked and she hit her chest close-fisted. "It is our signal. My mother is a very important person back home, and I must go to her. Now."
My eyes watered as I wrapped spirally knots in my hair with my fingers. "Then I'll go with you." I wanted to say that this was our home.
"No!" Her face twisted into a grimace, and she grabbed my shoulders. "You can never go to India. Do you hear me?"
You've got some great visual elements here. I especially love her mom wiping the blood and smearing it across her cheek. You did a great job showing her mom's distress, but I'd like more a sense of how the MC is reacting to it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a sense of how the MC was feeling until the part where her eyes watered. Prior to that, watching her mom fumble around and get a bloody nose, the MC didn't seem terribly concerned. She says her voice barked like a yippy dog (which seems odd to me for someone to describe their own voice that way), but that just makes her sound excitable to me.
I agree there's a lot to like about this snippet, the imagery, the tension... but I'd like to see more of what's going on in Asia's head, how she's affected by her mother's obvious distress.
ReplyDeleteThe name Asia kind of threw me, it didn't feel very Indian to me, but I got over it.
Good job.
There are some wonderful, vivid descriptions in this section, but it felt cold. It's like Asia is just watching everything unfold, rather than being involved. Wouldn't she be concerned that her Mom just had her nose smashed by a shoe? That there's blood? That her mother is so clearly agitated? Give us some insight into Asia through her reactions and thoughts about the events.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I think it's okay that Asia isn't rushing in. I imagine she's stunned seeing her mother like this. I certainly would be.
ReplyDeleteThe only part I didn't like was "These won't do," she whined. I don't know, I found that dialogue tag distracting. Also it made the mother seem to young and well, whinny. Like a teenage girl with nothing to wear. Maybe there's a better way to convey her frustration.
I love the premise of digging through the mail for years, waiting for that one orange envelope. The tension was well-developed.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the scene had a slightly choppy feel and was slightly overdramatic. I feel like some details, such as the nosebleed and the yippy dog voice, were unnecessary.
Good descriptions, but I too feel like the MC is a bit detached from the situation.
ReplyDeleteDid she know her grandmother? It feels like no. And she doesn't seem shocked at the revelation of what the letter means.
I like the formality of the mother's dialogue, but you need to uncontract "won't" from won't do to keep with her cadence.
This whole hitting of the chest make the mother sound very over dramatic. Her voice cracked and she hit her chest close-fisted.
I thought the reveal came about in a great way. I loved the orange envelope being a signal, or secret message. But Asia doesn't react to the reveal. She doesn't wonder who her grandma might be, or why she would be important. SHe doesn't wonder if she's dying from old age or if someome tried to assassinate her. How she reacts determines how effective the reveal will be.
ReplyDeleteA few other nits --
Her arms struggling to pull//make it her hands.
Sandals with heels?
Her mom had to react in some way to that shoe hitting her in the nose. SHow us.
Also, I'm assuming they're Indian, and while I can see an AMerican naming their kid Asia, it just seems weird that an Indian would. It's sort of like someone in AMerica naming their kid North Aemerica.