TITLE: Publish and Perish
GENRE: Mystery
"How about a bourbon?" Professor Stuart Busby reluctantly asked, moving to his corner file cabinet, letting his displeasure show by scowling at his gold Rolex. He opened the top drawer where he kept his stash of booze.
"Sure, on a night like this." Busby's visitor shivered, set a large briefcase by the leather chair opposite Busby's, and watched water drip from the thin black plastic raincoat. "I'm ruining your rug."
"Nonsense." Busby flipped a hand. "And it's a Kashan. Persian, you know. But not all that valuable." His pink-rimmed eyes flicked behind gold wire glasses, taking in the dark blue and red patterned carpet. He turned back to the file cabinet and busied himself with a bottle and tumbler.
A sudden gust of wind rattled the window, causing Busby to look out. From his fifth floor office in Albright Hall he usually had a view, over the top branches of an old oak tree, of the architecturally-stunning new music and theater complex on the far side of the Triangle and, beyond that, the peaks of the Colorado Rockies. That night, however, rain streaked the window and obscured any glimpse of the campus and mountains. "One shot?"
"One is fine. I won't be here long."
Busby handed his visitor a tumbler before adding another shot to his own and settling into his oxblood-red leather desk chair. He raised his tumbler. "To the end of another semester at beloved old Royster University."
"What about Christmas? It's Christmas Eve, after all."
Very strong writing here. I kind of wished there'd been more of a hook, though, a question raised that would pique my interest to read on. Having said that, I thought the descriptions and the imagery were fantastic and I really got a feel for the scene. Great work and keep it up :)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to like this, but I found the point of view a little wobbly.
ReplyDeleteI assume Busby is the point of view, but when the visitor is referred to as 'Busby's visitor' it felt to me like the writer was intentionally hiding the visitor's identy from the reader. Rather than making this snippet feel more mysterious, it weakened the pov and distanced me from the scene. It would stay in pov better if it was 'his visitor'. Still it's clear by the end of the snippet that Busby works with this person, so I assume Busby knows the person.
I like it! I like the set-up, the dripping on the rug, the bourbon and looking out over the campus. And this is a mystery, so I can tell it's building to something good... nice work!
ReplyDeleteBest! :o) <3
It's a very comfortable beginning, but no tension. Overall, nothing unusual is happening. The phrase "That night, however" made for some distance between us and the story. "This night" would be better.
ReplyDeleteIf you're trying to get a first story published, we need some inkling that something is going wrong between these two people who work together. Either Busby or his visitor is going outside his normal behavior, and the other person notices it. It's too comfortable for trying to grab an agent's or editor's attention.
I think this is perhaps too slow. As Mark said, there's no tension. Perhaps give us an idea of what Busby thinks about his visitor, or his visitor's intentions. You mention he is reluctant to pour the drink and that he scowls. Saying why could also create a bit of tension and suspense.
ReplyDeleteIs the briefcase, or what's inside it, important? If so, you might draw more attention to it. Have Busby notice it, make a comment about about it or think a thought about it. Add some mystery to this mystery.
Unfortunately, I'm not hooked. This is not a genre I represent, but there's nothing for me as the reader to grab on to here. I found there to be too many unnecessary adjectives (is it important that the raincoat is thin and black and plastic?) and there's no indication of any conflict. Is it more important to comment on architecture, or the business at hand on that stormy evening?
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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