TITLE: TWISTED ROOT
GENRE: Young Adult
At midnight each night, all humans must wear an electronic eye patch, lie down, and prepare for their duty as hosts to the Ancients--an alien group that invaded Earth. Here, sixteen-year-old Ari has lost her patch, and after a brief freak out, is lying on her bed, waiting for her Ancient to arrive.
Air swirls around us as he moves into position, hovering over me--prep for the Taking. The heat intensifies. It bounces back and forth, back and forth. Our bodies make the connection. Now the waiting while the vital nutrients he needs--vitamins, antibodies, whatever his body craves in that moment--sucks from my body into his.
Five minutes pass, then ten, maybe more. I've tried to count, but always lose track with each breath he releases upon me. I need to focus, remain calm. Keep. Eyes. Shut.
And then it happens.
A single drop of liquid hits my lip, and reflexively I lick it away. My taste buds explode with flavor. A perfect mixture of sweet and sour, warm and cold. I want more, need more. Where did it come from? Him? Another drop and another.
My eyes fly open.
He floats above me, light as air. A bright glow encircles him. His eyes are closed. A sweet smile rests on his perfect face. Another drop hits my cheek, and I glance up to see his hair, shiny--wet--with beads of water gliding down his blond strands as though they're leaves after an April rain. I can't look away.
My heart beats, beats, beats inside my chest. I want to reach out to him. Touch his face. I have only seen him from a distance--on the field or passing me in the hall. We never speak. I'm not sure he even knows my name.
But I know his: Jackson Locke.
Love this submission and I would read on. Amazing, slightly sensuous, it has mystery and surprise.
ReplyDeleteThere is a place or two you might consider tightening, IMHO. In the first line, I would cut ‘around us’. It appears to improve the flow by doing so. In the second paragraph, how about the scent of his breath to tie me. Audio or warmth?
Super job! It makes me want more!
I have no idea what's going on, and yet I want to read on because the writing is great! I agree with Huntress. This makes me want more!
ReplyDeleteVeeery curious. Totally agree with above comment. I have no idea what's going on, but I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteOohs, pretty! Love the writing. Just checking, but is the revelation that she's never seen him before because of the eye patch? I wanna read the rest!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a winner! The voice is great, the action is great, the world-setting is great--well done!
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing... I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThough the name at the end threw me off (is that the Ancient's name or his name when he's in human form or something elsewhere since she mentions seeing him from afar?), this sounds like it could be very interesting. Definitely want to see what happens when/if she touches him...
ReplyDeleteIf the reveal is that she's seeing him for the first time, I think you need more. I don't feel her sense of awe and wonder.
ReplyDeleteIt also seems that earthlings must wear this eyepatch, and yet, she isn't, and nothing comes of it, so why is it necessary? Why doesn't the alien ask her about why she isn't wearing it? If there's nothing at stake for not wearing it, what's the point? Then she opens her eyes and he still has no reaction to her failure to obey the rules, so why is the eyepatch needed?
If her eyes are closed at the beginning of the excerpt, how can she describe what he's doing? If she's feeling or sensing everything, make that more evident.
And then I was stopped by him having a typical earth name, which makes him seem ordinary instead of other-worldly. It was disappointing after reading the rest of it.
It was certainly interesting, but perhaps look at the few logic issues.
This doesn't work for me, largely because of the reasons Barbara spells out. Why have eye patches without there being ramifications for not wearing them? That made no sense and bugged me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and this may just be me, but if some strange liquid hits my lips there's zero chance I'm going to lick it and taste it. Especially if it comes from an alien who is stealing nutrients and whatnot from me. My reflex is to spit or wipe it away. And wouldn't the alien have leaked on her before? It's an awfully big coincidence that the ONE TIME she doesn't wear her eye patch is the ONE TIME he drips on her.
All that being said, you're writing style is fantastic and I enjoyed how you wrote. The descriptions are great. But I couldn't get over the problems with the setup. If those get worked out, I think you'll really have something great.
Thanks for sharing!
I also like the writing style, but this piece raises more questions than it answers, as others have mentioned. I can't think of a way out of the problem of mandatory but pointless eye patches, or how they relate to the drip. Or, for that matter, how the "connection" is made. I hope you can figure all this out because the writing is great.
ReplyDeleteThe logic issues are hard to deal with when dropping the needle like this. It might be they're explained elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteI think in this case it seems weird because Ari doesn't seem at all afraid of what might happen to her if she's caught. She just lost her patch, but continued her nightly ritual as normal and nothing happened.
An additional logic question: if there's no real consequence for not wearing the eye patch, surely someone else would've tried it by now? Even if the Ancients were seen as benevolent rather than tyrannical, it's hard to believe 100% of the populace would play along without some kind of discipline or threat.
I agree with Adam...the logic issues are difficult in a situation like this. So, in assuming that the ritual of the Taking is explained either before or after this snippet, I am definitely intrigued enough to want more!
ReplyDeleteWow, this excerpt is creepy and kind of sexy all at the same time - a difficult balance and you do it amazingly. Like others here I have questions about the bigger story with the eye patch and the larger rules of the universe, but mostly that just comes from being intrigued and wanting to know more.
ReplyDelete