TITLE: The Weapons of our Warfare
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Stephen backed the cell phone away from his face and stared at it, searching for a way to say no to the reverend's wife. This was the first Sunday since the breaking of the coven that the reverend had been out of town, so Beverly was alone this weekend and asking him to come over. The fact he was disrobing -- literally taking off his alb in the back room of the church -- magnified the awkward feel of the request. He undid the dual snaps on the front of his left shoulder, freeing that edge of his white vestment. "Did you get sick? Missed you in the congregation this morning."
Beverly's weak voice over the phone got louder, sounding surprised. "You were looking for me?"
Stephen mugged a look at the acolyte, who might have heard. Joanna stopped in the midst of disrobing. Her yellow sweater showed through the part in her white robe as if she were a bouquet of daffodils in delicate wrapping. The young woman motioned for him to muffle his cell phone. When he did, she gave him a mischievous grin. "Ha-cha-cha. Coven breaker. Heartbreaker."
"Don't be disgusting." The words smacked at his hesitation. Stephen was still single at age twenty-five, but he wasn't about to let this smart-alecky acolyte unnerve him. He replied into the phone. "Yes, I tend to pick your face out of the crowd. Tell your husband it makes you feel special."
Love the title, first of all. The idea is interesting, too, although I'm not entirely sure what it is yet. But the first paragraph confused me a bit, some of words threw me off, plus... Dude, in response to her asking you to come over you ask her if she's sick. Are you crazy? Just say no! And in the last paragraph he should have just said something like "Of course I noticed you weren't there, you're the pastors wife, you sit in the front." Why would she tell her husband it makes her feel special? Is he seriously gonna dig his own grave like that?
ReplyDeleteAlso, what's the coven? I'm more confused than curious about it. Coven is a very broad term.
Also (again) I feel like I would spend the entire book yelling at Stephen for his ignorance. Even in the first 250 words he's driving me insane.
wait... First I liked the writing and the set-up, but I got confused about what was happening. I was thinking the wife was coming onto him, but then it seemed the other way around. Maybe if I had more I'd understand.
ReplyDeletegood writing! :o) <3
I love the title, and I think the idea of an UF that centers around clergy is interesting, but I was a little confused about what was going on with the wife and the priest, but also the coven breaking. That part seems integral to the UF aspect and it got no explanation whatsoever. It might be coming, but as a reader looking at a first page, that would bother me.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued. Confused, sure, but also pulled in enough to want to understand what's going on. It feels a little like I missed the first five minutes of a movie, but it's well done, so I'm willing to keep quiet and wait until my brain catches up. If I had the whole novel in my hand, I'd have the blurb on the back, so I'd probably be better prepared. 250 words isn't much to go on.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing in the actual writing that bothered me was the introduction of Joanna the acolyte. I had to go back and re-read those two sentences to connect them. I wasn't sure where Joanna came from, and didn't piece together right away that she was the acolyte.
This is confusing. I think you need to introduce Joanna differently.
ReplyDeleteIt's confusing because he's disrobing with Joanna but talking to Beverly. You can tell there is chemistry with Beverly BUT he compares Joanna disrobing to "bouquet of daffodils in delicate wrapping" which (to me) makes me think he's attracted to her as well.
Is Joanna important to this scene? If not - maybe you can introduce her somewhere else.
It's an interesting set-up. I'm curious to find out where it leads.
I'm really confused. I read it a couple of times and still couldn't work it out. Like PaperForest said, if I had the back cover blurb I might understand the set up better.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, I like the writing, "...bouquet of daffodils in delicate wrapping" is especially beautiful and lyrical.
I didn't get any sense of what this was was about or where it was going. SInce it's urban fantasy, I'm thinking the coven will be the main issue here, but the set up seems closer to a romance than an UF. I felt like Empress A. If he doesn't want to go over there, why doesn't he make an excuse and say no? Why does he play along, pretending he's interested? Perhaps this isn't the place to start?
ReplyDeleteI would suggest fewer details about clothing and more details about the broken coven and the relationship between these people. Lovers? Friends? Subordinates? I would read on to answer these questions, but if they weren't answered soon, I would let another agent fall in love with this one.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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