TITLE: Irony
GENRE: Literary Fiction
The MC explains to his love interest what caused him a childhood filled with sickness.
“I placed an eye to the crack of the kitchen door and found my mom mixing a glass of Rippin' Raspberry. Totally normal, except for the open container of bleach next to it. I felt even sicker, if that was possible, but my stupid brain thought, ‘It’s a misunderstanding. She’d never.’ That’s when she stopped mixing and poured some more bleach in. My world just fell apart. The one person who I thought loved me so much that it made up for everyone who didn’t had been revealed to be a fraud.
"Feeling like I had a bullet hole draining my life out, I hobbled back upstairs. Back into my bed. Back under the covers. The sheets were wet and the air seemed cold. Felt like the second coming of the Ice Age. Then my door creaked open and in came my mom holding a glass of Rippin' Raspberry Bleach up like a priest blessing the blood of Christ. She snaked her way over to my side and said, ‘Here, you poor thing. Let me help.’ And you know what I did? I drank the entire glass. With each gulp I sucked down, I quietly prayed, ‘Let this be the one.’ Huge gulp after huge gulp, I thought, ‘Surely the next one.’ And when the bottom of the glass came into view with red beads trickling through sugar and bleach, I looked through that warped circle right at my mom and said, ‘More, please.’"
Ugh! Creepy!
ReplyDeleteCould he taste the bleach? Was it different from the glass before?
(macabre minds want to know!)
This is sick (in a good way). I would read more.
ReplyDeleteIt's very dialogue heavy. I wish I could see how his love interest is taking it or his body language while he tells this sick twisted tale. Is he emotionless? Is he crying?
Is she understanding? In shock? Disgusted?
I didn't think this worked because, while it's shocking and horrifying, nobody reacts to it. He doesn't react. His love doesn't react. (I wouldn't even know somebody else was there if you hadn't told me) He doesn't feel sick or get the shivers as he speaks. There's no OMG or You poor thing from the lover. It comes off as exactly what you said it was--an explanation, not a reveal. I'd suggest slowing it down. Let him pause here and there long enough for the lover to react. Make it a story that's hard for him to tell instead of spouting it off matter-of-factly. Get some emotion into it. That's what's missing, I think.
ReplyDeleteI pictured this as an actor performing a monologue on stage rather than a novel because I don't have a sense of place, or plot, or relationship (other than the mc and their mother). It's very shocking and draws me in, but I don't trust it yet.
ReplyDeleteThe phrase 'my world just fell apart' felt very odd...telling instead of showing...and it also felt sort of cliche.
You have some beautiful images, such as the raspberry sugar in the bottom of the glass.
I had a bit of a hard time believing he would drink that bleach, given by a person he already considered a fraud. I get it that the MC is trying to commit suicide, but I think there would need to be more processing time to make that decision. My personal opinion is that it might work better if the MC kept himself in denial, and drank the poison just to convince himself that he trusted his mother.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the need to break it up with reactions. The imagery of the gulping was truly toe curling, and the Rippin' Raspberry put me uncomfortably in mind of Jim Jones (as you mean to do I'm sure).
This reminded me, maybe a little too much, of a scene in Sixth Sense where the mother was slowly poisoning the child to death. I couldn't get past that.
ReplyDeleteVery creepy scene that's for sure.
Good luck with it all. Where this story will go will be a terrific journey.