TITLE: NIGHT SKY
GENRE: YA
Taking a breath about kills me right now. I thought tonight would be different. Tonight would be the night we'd dance together, we'd move together, and she'd finally start to feel some of the things I do when we touch. But she doesn't. The way she's dancing with Eric, every part of her pressed against him, makes me want to throw my fist through something. Maybe his face.
The thing is, I knew it could happen - that she could end up with another guy. But I didn't know it would hurt this much.
My body's fading into numbness, probably from shock. Because Eric? He practically has player stamped across his forehead. Even his football friends can't stand him, I know 'cause some of them are my friends, too. Sarah's smarter than this.
His face bends down as they dance, hers tilts up in anticipation. And then there's me. Alone. Standing off to the side, slowly being crushed by the inevitable. Because she picked him, over me.
I can't stay here and watch this - breathing is important, and something I can't do in the same room as them.
I push my way through what suddenly feels like masses of dancing couples, out the heavy doors of the school, and stop.
Now I can breathe. The screeching brakes of the city bus travels across the parking lot. Crap. I sprint and grab the doors at the last second. I'm alone. Alone on the one night I wouldn't mind distraction.
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ReplyDeleteJolene Perry said...
ReplyDeleteAhh - the rash things we do. This is mine and a re-write after a nice letter from an agent. Should have thought about it a little more...
I've already taken out "Maybe his face"
I also took out "And my body fades into numbness..." (everyone thought this was a paranormal thing... funny, we're all assuming or looking for it now)
I've also changed the line in the first para to read - "she'd finally start to feel the way I do when we touch."
I say this b/c I got the same feedback from everyone in another contest, and didn't want y'all to do the same.
Lesson learned: do some serious thinking before changing anything in your MS ;)
I tend to be a jump in with both feet kind of person...
I like this, just needs some tightening here and there. Just some thoughts -
ReplyDeleteI would take out 'Because Eric?' And just start the next sentence with 'Eric practically had player...'. Might pace better I think.
His face bends down reads awkward, because faces don't bend, necks bend, but for faces its an inaccurate descriptor. Maybe 'His face tilts down as they dance; hers up in anticipation.'
Given your varying sentence lengths and structures, I'd break up the last line of the fourth to last paragraph, instead of a comma try 'Because she picked him. Over me.'
Instead of 'breathing is important - and something I can't do...' try 'breathing is important - and I can't do it in the same room as them.'
Anyways, just a bunch of random suggestions. Some might work for you, or might not. Good luck!
I liked this. You got to it right from the opening. I agree there is some tightening to be done. You repeat the fact that she chose Eric over the MC. (and I won't repeat what others have suggested). But I'd like to read more. The last line is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteOh, I like this. Very nice (even if it is first person present tense :P ). I'm glad to hear you changed that line 'maybe his face'. Violent tendencies don't necessarily make me sympathize with the character. You might want to be careful about being repetitious. The second mention of Sarah choosing Eric is overkill. Other than those picks, there was a lot to like about this. Fun read and thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteA fun read, and I liked the fact that the MC seems to be male (I could be wrong but that was my idea after reading this scene). It's rare to read about the emotional side of a boy/man. Well done.
ReplyDeletecool. I like it. And if this is a male MC, that would be unique. If it's a female even MORE unique! :D interesting; no real suggestions other than no need for the comma before "over me."
ReplyDeletebest of luck! <3
I thought this could be tightened a lot. For instance, the first sentence could be - breathing kills me right now.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to know why he expected tonight to be different. If she always rejects him, what made him think she wouldn't on this night?
He runs outside to breathe, then hops on a bus and complains about being alone. If he didn't want to be alone, why did he leave the dance? He could have stayed and hung out with friends. Instead he chose to leave and be alone, then he complains about it. If by alone, you mean he didn't end up with the girl, say that instead so it's clear.
If Eric's football 'friends' can't stand him, then are they actually friends, or are they just his teammates?
Perhaps give it another revision or two.
I'm a sucker for a Heartbreak at the Prom story. I'd read more to find out the stakes and the hook.
ReplyDeleteAnd there has to be a hook for Contemporary YA to fly these days. I hope there's a good one!
ReplyDeletenice!
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