TITLE: Cloudburst
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Jemma and her best friend/ student mentor, Cole have been battling the ability to hear each other's thoughts for months. Until now, privacy hasn't really been a big issue, but Jemma just rifled through his memories to find out what happened between him and ex-mentor, Ian.
"Do us both a favor and stay out of my head." Cole shoved me away and left as Margaux, Ash, and Sky returned to the table with food. I collapsed onto the bench and stared blindly at my plate. I wasn't hungry.
"Hammond, do I wish I could skip Slinging today," Ash said. "Aren't you guys sick of meditating?"
Why isn't Ian in jail?
Margaux laughed. "It might help if you actually tried meditating. Staring at Becca's butt doesn't count."
I can't believe he locked Cole in there and left him to die. I mean, I suspected whatever history he and Ian had was bad, but not this. This is so much worse.
"I don't stare at Becca! She's not even my type."
Margaux rolled her eyes. "So what's your type, then?"
I'll kill him. I've never hated anyone so much as I hate Ian right now.
Blonde."
After lunch, I caught Margaux in the quad on her way to class. I grabbed her shoulder and wheeled her around, oblivious to the icy windthat burned my nose and cheeks.
"How could you not tell me?" My eyes stung with tears, but I couldn't tell if they were from the wind or something else.
She clutched her collar around her neck. "What?" She studied me and her expression changed. "He finally told you?"
Sort of.
She hesitated. Her green eyes glistened and wouldn't meet mine. "It's hard for me to even talk about, Jemma. He's like my brother, and I almost lost him."
I see what you were going for, but as-written, it is confusing. I can see it in my mind, similar to the scene in Twilight, where conversation is flowing around the table, but the MC is lost in their own thoughts. But, our only clue is the italics, and I think at some point, the others at the table would notice her reaction and try to talk to her. This would bring her back to the present. You yank us out of the scene at the cafeteria to the hallway with Margaux with no preamble. I think you need some more segues here.
ReplyDeleteThink about the unnecessary phrases, too. How much does, "I couldn't tell if they were from the wind or something else" add to the story or mood? I think if my own eyes water, I know if it is from emotion or physical reaction. And, the character sounds pretty lame/wishy-washy if they can't tell that. Also "I've never hated anyone so much as I hate Ian right now" could be tightened. That is how a kid thinks, but it just reads clunky.
I think the premise sounds intriguing, but this section lacks a bit of development. If you're in first person you really don't need the italics for thoughts. And when you go from dialogue to thoughts make sure to transition so the reader knows what's going on. There is definitely something interesting here.
ReplyDeleteSorry, the thoughts aren't supposed to be in italics. Minor formatting error :-) Thanks for the helpful comments guys!
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot going on here. The premise is really interesting, but you don't need the exterior stuff going on (such as the friends gossiping during lunch) while Jemma deliberates over what she's learned. I think this passage would be much stronger if you narrowed it down and focused on Jemma.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of them trying to read minds and then finding out they can, and then going that one step further. It brings up all kinds of ethical possibilities. But once Cole's secret it revealed, I think that's where you and she should stay.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest cutting all the talk around the table. It's done well, but it adds nothing. If their conversation was revealing tidbits of things that were, or would become, relevant to the plot, it would be different, but they're not talking about anything important.
Perhaps concentrate more on showing her shock, then her anger, and her hatred of Ian. Saying she hates him isn't enough. Show it. Maybe she thinks about turning him in, or getting revenge? The same with showing her anger. SHe's staring at a plate of food. Maybe she can shove it away. Maybe she rips into whatever she's eating and pretends it's Ian. You need something to make us feel what she's feeling.
I agree with the others - I liked the idea for this scene, but somehow it just doesn't flow quite right. It's interesting how the conversation carries on around her, but I don't think it's necessary.
ReplyDeleteIf you're going to move to after lunch, I think there needs to be a clearer new paragraph there.
I think the jump to it being after lunch takes away some of the impact. If she feels that strongly about it, then why didn't she talk to Margaux over lunch?
My suggestion would maybe be to have Cole push her away, then cut to confronting Margaux. She could say "Why didn't you tell me?" and then go back to her earlier thoughts about jail and how much she hates Cole while she talks to Margaux.
Telepaths, cool. :) The flow of this passage was a bit difficult to follow with the MC's internal thoughts interrupted by the conversation. Unless the conversation is important in moving your story forward, consider having your MC tune it out.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand this: "Hammond, do I wish I could skip Slinging today," Ash said.-> Is this a question? Is Hammond a person?
I'm not sure I get this: My eyes stung with tears, but I couldn't tell if they were from the wind or something else. ->What else would it be?
Otherwise, an intriguing storyline. I wish you the best with this.