TITLE: UNTITLED
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Either I was dreaming all day, or Edward Cullen is going to my school. If you don't know who I'm talking about you're living under a rock--hello! He's just the sexiest vampire hero of all time. Anyway, the guy looks nothing like him--short blond hair, Dolce and Gabbana glasses, hideous cargo pants and a blue t-shirt. And of course he wasn't him. But his animal magnetism told me he was close enough.
His locker is next to mine so I took the opportunity to woo him with my doe eyes, my Santorini Eyes as my mom calls them, which no man can ever resist. (It has to do with my mom and dad and their honeymoon in Greece, but I really hate thinking about older brother's creation process. Way too much information.). When he looked in my direction I gave him a small smile But not enough to make him think I actually cared for him, just enough to make him curious. He grinned back at me and blushed, and I knew I had him.
As I walked away I peeked over my shoulder, but only for a moment. He almost looked like he wanted to say something, and I'd like to think that he was going to comment on my great walk or my butt...
but he was probably just going to warn me that I was walking into a pipe. Which I did. Who puts a pipe in the middle of the hallway? Someone should sue the architect.
Very nicely done. Humor comes through in the voice, even before she walks into a pipe. Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThe main character has a fun, snarky voice. I didn't love the mention of Edward Cullen, personally, but I think it might work better if you don't also explain who he is, but just take it for granted that that's a cultural reference your readers would get.
ReplyDeleteLOL! This is great. I like it very much. Great sense of humor, and I'd love to see more.
ReplyDeleteBest~ :o) <3
Personally, I would avoid using a crossover reference, even in snark. It comes across as a bit snobbish. I'm also not a fan of parentheses. It's a first person narrative; we don't think between them. That aside, I like the voice and this gave me for the MC's character. I'd close with a physical reaction to the pipe. Yes, she walked into it, what happened? All we get is the question, who puts the pipe in the middle of the hallway. Go ahead and hit the pipe, knock her down, lose the cool-points, then complain about the pipe.
ReplyDeleteI like this. It's good, fun writing.
ReplyDeleteLike Amy, I'm a little leery of mentioning Edward. You could potentially alienate a reader who doesn't think he's all that great.
However, I do think it's funny that you make the comparison and then say he looks nothing like him. You could refer to a sexy vampire hero in a more generic way....
I would definitely read on!
I thought the first parg didn't work. You do all that explaining to say who Edward Cullen is and how he's come to the MC's school in the form of this new guy, but then the new guy is nothing like him. So what was the point? I would also be one of those people Lisa B. spoke of. You'd lose me for no other reason than that you mentioned Edward Cullen.
ReplyDeleteI did like her over-confidence in herself and her introduction to the pipe, but like Ken said, what happened when she ran into it?
Perhaps consider revising the opening so that events are happening in the moment rather than having your MC tell us about them.
Hate to agree, but I'd lose the Edward Cullen thing too.
ReplyDeleteI like the MC's voice and it sounds like it would be a fun read, but I would seriously rethink you're opening paragraph. The over-explaining of Edward and then saying they're nothing alike falls flat for me. There are a lot of ways to describe animal magnetism without resorting to Twilight references. You did get a smile out of me with the pipe thing, though. I would continue to read.
ReplyDeleteI give the blanket recommendation of no brand names in first paragraphs (or ever unless it's vital), and I think it goes for overly-popular, soon to be dated, YA novel characters. We gotta lose Edward here, and his sunglasses. Don't let stand ins do your character development for you. Who is he under those sunglasses.
ReplyDeleteAnd exactly, who puts a pipe in the middle of a hallway? Can she walk into something else? A linebacker?
Otherwise, I thought the writing was chatty and fun. Nice job. But anything you can do to get more info on the first page, and take out anything not vital, the better.