TITLE: RAVEN WING
GENRE: YA fantasy
The MC has sought help from her priestess sister to help save their brother, whom the Prima Priestess wishes to ritually entomb.
A great roar sounded, like the rage of a storm-whipped sea pounding on the shore. The noise started to fragment into rhythms that had little meaning. It was not the sound of the sea, but of thousands of people. A single voice rose high above the others in a scream. A headache bloomed behind my eyes. I whimpered and threw my arm over my face. The scream went on and on and then I knew. My brother.
I sat up with a start on the narrow bed. What had happened? Here was the table, Alexis' cabinet and broken pieces of my glass strewn across the floor.
"Alexis," I whispered to the empty room, "how could you?" I shook my head in an attempt to clear the fog. My headache flared again in response, but now I could think. Was Alexis coming back with warders to hand me over to the Prima?
I reached under my tunic to retrieve my knife. It was gone. Fear blazed up so suddenly that my hands began to shake. If I must die, I would fight, not be taken helpless. A ragged breath crawled up my throat but I gulped it back down. Before Alexis gave me that drug she said something. I recalled her words: I will save what I can. She had meant me.
Oh, I'm all sorts of curious.
ReplyDeleteWas she dreaming?
(maybe a little clue to her waking up? or did she have a vision?)
I enjoyed this. It's intriguing. I assume Alexis is the priestess-sister, who is actually helping the Prima Priestess. I am curious to know what could lead the sister to such a betrayal. It's a good revelation, but how did the MC come to this conclusion? The drug? The dream? Both? I'd like to know a little more about how the MC feels about it, since you kind of skim over "how could you?" and go directly to "I would fight." Does she hate her sister? Feel betrayed? Something else?
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure about the dream sequence. I always feel like beginning a book (or even an excerpt) with a dream is kind of cheating, because you convince the audience that it's real and then give them a rude awakening that is often hard to adjust to. If dreams are important in the story and the MC uses them often to discover new info, then okay. But if not, I'd suggest you consider another technique.
Good work!
I liked this a lot. Tons of tension. The only thing is I was unsure if she woke up from a dream or if she was having a vision, or what was happening in that first part. It kind of jarred me.
ReplyDeleteI'm completely lost - and I read through this a few times. I don't see the revelation. And I would like to say it's because we're dropped into the middle of a story - but the other entries did the same thing and I still got a sense of the story.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last paragraph. It's interesting and you get a real sense of what is at stake.
One question: Did Alexis say "I will save what I can. She had meant me."
Or "I will save what I can." She had meant me.
I think you need some quotations there or italics or something.
I think you should clarify a bit what's happening. Good luck
Oh I like this. No idea what's going on really, but I'd read to find out. Nice flow and style. Very self confident.
ReplyDeleteAnd I assumed the revelation was the MC realizing her sister was only going to be able to save her.
I really don't have any criticisms! Nice work!
I didn't see any revelation here. If it's that her sister was going to try to save her, it doesn't work because it's not a surprise. The sister told her she would try to save her.
ReplyDeleteThe opening was really strong and drew me in, but then came the headache and her whimper which were weak in comparison and it killed the mood you had created. Perhaps use stronger verbs than bloomed and whimper to give it more power. You might also tell us what those thousands of people are doing. Chanting, protesting, screaming?
And then the MC realizes her sister has had their brother tortured and/or killed and has drugged her, and the best she comes up with is "How could you.' Where's the anger, the disgust, the loathing, the thoughts of revenge? SHow us how she really feels.
And perhaps get her out of the bed at least for the part where she decides she'll go out fighting. Again, it comes off as weak simply becase she's in bed and doing nothing. Maybe she can be ransacking the room for something to use as a weapon. If she's doing something proactive, it's easier to believe she'll die fighting than if she's sitting in bed thinking.
Author here - clearly I needed more of a lead-in. The MC was drugged by her sister, Alexis. There is no dream, but her perceptions are still foggy. The MC had assumed the "I will save what I can" referred to their brother. Hope this helps for future commenters. Keep them coming please!
ReplyDeleteI think we commenters need to remember that "Drop the Needle" means we can be anywhere in the ms.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the language in the 1st paragraph. Wow.
I think I would break the last paragraph up into two, to give the revelation (that the sister meant saving her rather than the brother, right?) more power.
nice!
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