TITLE: Ravenous Dusk
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
The room was spinning, no wait, maybe I was the one spinning. I stopped, and wobbled my way onto a bar stool.
"You know, it pisses me off that I live in a world where people don't go away when they die!" I said, taking a long drink. "I mean, isn't death supposed to be the ultimate end? The grand finale? The Big Bang?"
"Actually, the Big Bang is that theory by scientists about the formation of the universe..." I turned around and shot the speaker a glare that was strong enough to cut off his sentence.
"Now Liam? Really?" I said. Liam sighed.
"Sorry, I forgot logic isn't welcome during 'drunken times with Blake'."
"Exactly," I said. "Now, where was I?" I got up again and started pacing. Liam was sitting hunched over the one beer he'd been nursing for the past hour, and watched as I took my bottle to the head and chugged it, then tossed it onto the bar and demanded another from the bartender.
"Raving about people not being gone when they die," Liam said dully. He actually took a drink; I must really be annoying the hell out of him tonight.
"Right! What's with all the damn ghosts Liam? Did you know when I was twelve my dead grandmother's ghost decided to jump into some old lady, ring my doorbell, and offer me candy from her purse?"
Hooked. I love fantasy in all its forms so crittering submissions like is brain-candy. :)
ReplyDeleteIMHO, I would edit a place or two. Example: In the sentence, ‘…the Big Bang is that theory…’ I would cut it to ‘…the Big Bang is a theory about the formation of…’ leaving out scientists etc.
Might consider ‘Liam sat hunched over the one beer’, instead of ‘was sitting’. This strengthens your verb. Loved the voice. I felt like I was there.
I would turn the page to discover more.
this is a great set-up, and you have a way with dialogue. It's a strong open. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteBest~ :o)
I like the dialogue; it flows well and sounds like a normal conversation. I like getting the feeling for the paranormal right away. What I think is missing is a feeling for the characters and setting. Also, I little atmosphere goes a long way with setting up the scene. Granted, very tough do to everything in the first 250 words. Last point, the 'dully' adverb; I would have chose to describe the tone of his voice rather than simply use an adverb, but that's being picky. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite sentences are the first and the last. :)
ReplyDeleteBecause of the setting— a couple of guys at the bar—for a minute I thought you meant: he was taking his beer into the bathroom.
(...I took my bottle to the head and chugged it...)
The title is interesting... That, and the last sentence would make me turn the page. Keep writing!
A lot of great stuff here, but grammar issues and improper formatting of dialogue/action tags gave me pause. Just a friendly reminder that you don't need a comma before a conjunction unless what follows it can be an independent clause. Also, try to keep the speaker's action and their dialogue together during a stretch of dialogue. The actions act as a dialogue tag and when you keep things together it is much less confusing to read. Example:
ReplyDelete"Actually, the Big Bang is that theory by scientists about the formation of the universe..." I turned around and shot the speaker a glare that was strong enough to cut off his sentence. <<--Liam is the speaker here so her action belongs before her dialogue a line down.
"Now Liam? Really?" I said. >>>Liam sighed.<<Now your MC is the speaker here, so Liam's action belongs a line down before his dialogue.
"Sorry, I forgot logic isn't welcome during 'drunken times with Blake'."
I hate to get so picky about grammar (actually that's a lie, I love grammar...) but it would be a shame if preventable errors were the reason an agent passed over your work. You've got a lot of nice things here. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work :)
Hooked. Very hooked! Love the dialogue - it sounds absolutely real and captures what I hope will be the tone of the novel; surreal with a sense of humor. Excellent work.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to know why he was in the bar and why he was drunk? Was it just a night out, was something troubling him, or is drunk a normal state for him? I also wanted to know if he was a he or she. I had the sense it was a woman until you named him, but blake could be a man's name or a woman's name. It could also be a surname. Perhaps make that clear.
ReplyDeleteA few other issues--
Parg 1 - 1st sentence should be 3 sentences, or perhaps two at least.
Parg 2. Where did her drink come from?
Parg 3 - she knows who the speaker is. She would name him.
Parg 6 - she is pacing in an overcrowded bar, whch is unlikely. And a minute ago, she had to wobble to the bar. How is it she is pacing now? And Liam was just behind her at the bar. When did he go sit down?
I loved the voice here. The dialogue carried well. The hint at the world they live in is fascinating - particularly the fact that dead ghosts can just jump in bodies to scare helpless granddaughters. :-p Love it!
ReplyDeleteMy only real qualm with this is, if she was so dizzy she was spinning, how on earth does she manage a nice long sip? I'd probably spill my beer down the front of my shirt. But this is nice, I'm hooked and would love to read more!
Sadie Hart
Very intriguing premise – I love ghost / spirit stories. So I would continue reading.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of things. If they are in a bar and she started pacing, did the other patrons look at her strangely, or was the bar empty. Elaborate on the settings, and don’t forget senses... pubs have that grotty, alcohol and perspiration reek. I also found the last dialogue a repeat of what was said early on and could not work out why she said it again? There were a few grammatical issues, but Ramona already mentioned all the ones I noticed.
Good luck.
The sentiment here is interesting--the MC being angry that ghosts exist in her world. But the narrative is inconsistent. The author should fix the speaker/action problems (as mentioned above) and spend less time describing minute actions ("taking a long drink," "shot the speaker a glare..." "took my bottle to the head and chugged it, then tossed it onto the bar and demanded another from the bartender." Instead, advance the story's problem and establish the character's relationship. Who are these people and what are they fighting against?
ReplyDelete