TITLE: Harbinger
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
I despise most Gods and I can guarantee the feeling is mutual. But, I don't have to like them I just have to work for them. As long as they leave me alone in my god-free city I am happy. Today I am most definitely not.
I shoved the heavy wood and glass door open and stumbled into the crowd. The heat of a hundred bodies blasted over me and burnt off the last of my goose bumps. Murray's Bar was popular at the best of times but tonight it was crammed close to the legal safety limit. I wove through alcohol drenched bodies to the old wooden bar which ran its entire length. It wasn't hard to imagine dapper dandies leaning against it drinking their Pimm's when it was shiny and new. I waved at Kevin, one of the barmen serving the dehydrated customers.
"Hi Phi, you look nice. Special occasion?" He eyed my new look curiously. The red shift dress with an obscenely short hemline my aunt had tricked me into wearing was a far cry from my usual jeans and t-shirt.
"No. I had to borrow some clothes, mine were a bit worse for wear. What's with the crowd?" I had to shout to be heard above the music and voices. I couldn't lean over the bar to get closer unless I wanted to give the guys standing behind me a bonus eye-full.
This is not my genre of choice so I don't ordinarily comment, but I was caught by the first line. So good job! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is a great opening scene. Watch your punctuation. You've got a couple of runons.
Not typically my genre of choice either, but your opening grabbed me right away! You've got a great premise going. For some reason the last line of the first paragraph - "today I am most definitely not" - feels a bit clumsy to me. I like what she's trying to say, but there may be a better way to say it. Great job, though!
ReplyDeleteAside from the small grammatical things Kathleen mentioned, I'm totally intrigued. Love that last line.
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple grammar issues. Personally, the switch from present tense in the first paragraph to past after that was really jarring for me. However, the attitude in the first paragraph was enough that I'd be curious enough to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe switch from present tense in the first paragraph to past tense in the second paragraph was jarring. There were also a few comma errors (the second sentence has two). Probably still a fun, likable story to read but seeing grammar issues like that, being picky on grammar like I am, gives me pause. Seems like a fun premise though, and the first paragraph (grammar issues aside) was strong. Keep up the great work :)
ReplyDeleteI thought you could cut the first parg. It's present tense in a story that seems as if it will be told in past tense, and it only seems to be there because you need to get in your hook (working for the gods.)
ReplyDeleteYou could get that in easily in this opening scene thru dialogue between her and the bartender, and it would work much better because it would come out as a natural part of the story, rather than an an add on that says, 'This is what the story's about, people.'
The rest worked well. You made me feel like I was in that bar with her. I got a sense of the crowd and the noise. Just remember to tell your story rather than talking to the reader.
How does one work for gods in a godless city? Another sentence worth of information there would help. Also, there were a lot of descriptions of the faceless, sweaty, drunk masses. Are they important or just there? Could those words be better used to describe the MCs place in the world, or what's at stake here? I believe so.
ReplyDeleteI thought the voice here was strong. Address these things and the previously mentioned grammar problems and this would be strong.
Thank You for your comments everyone. I did not even realize I had made it into the March Secret Agent until I spotted my post. I have now had my "I can't believe I missed that" moment and will be adjusting my manuscript accordingly. Thank you for helping me to become a better writer.
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