TITLE: A Human Element
GENRE: Suspense
17 year old Ben's foster father, Frank, is a drunk who beats him. He has just now made sexual advances on him and Ben knows he must escape to survive.
Ben swung his backpack over his shoulder then looked back at the bare room that didn't belong to him. He fought off self-pity and pushed open the door. He heard the murmur of the television. Its ghostly light poured from Frank's bedroom.
Ben tiptoed to the door. Frank sat in bed, his eyes shut. He had passed out. A cigarette hung from his fingers, the ash still glowing. The television flickered, canned laughter filled the room. Ben kept his eyes on that cigarette.
The ash grew. And then the cigarette fell.
It hung in the air, then tumbled in slow-motion. Nothing happened. Then the sheets smoldered. Laughter rang out again. Ben looked at the television. Some character ran around a kitchen. Ben's gaze returned to that fallen cigarette. Minutes passed. It seemed like hours to him.
He needed to choose. Run or pick up the cigarette and prevent the certain fire? If he did nothing and Frank died, would he be a murderer? But Frank could have killed him just now. Might still kill him - or worse - if he ever caught him. He stared where the cigarette fell.
The flames burst up from the sheets and fanned along the comforter framing Frank in a soft glow. They licked with hungry abandon through the old bedspread until Frank's image blurred. He looked so serene, so harmless. Ben felt free and safe seeing him like that.
And he knew then. He had to live. He wanted to live.
He ran.
I sort of like this. I can feel his struggle. He is completely disgusted by that man but at the same time he has an urge to do good. I think the voice sounded a little too passive for someone who knows a fire is about to start though and I was confused to whether he decided to stop the fire or just leave. I also think there could be a bit more struggle when hes in his bedroom. Maybe show us that hes upset that he's leaving his home but at the same time he knows that there is going to be freedom in his choice to leave. That's something huge for a kid that's been beaten most his life. I think his feelings would be a little stronger. Overall good work, I would read more to see what happens :)
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Didn't have problems with the voice, it was buyable for soemone who has been through what Ben has in the last few hours and his life. Hooked and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked this, too. I'd like to see more of the angst in the decision to let the foster father die. So much must have been going through his mind -- rapid fire thoughts. Let us feel like we're right there with him.
ReplyDeleteDoes he make a noise? Is he stoic? Is he a little excited?
I want to *feel* the gravity of letting a person (albeit a bad person) die.
I'd read more.
Thanks for the input everyone! Yes, more build up occurs prior to this para on Ben's hatred of foster father via a beating and one vision where Ben envisions squeezing his foster father's head in a vise fantasizing how it could split open
ReplyDelete;) - Donna
I would read more.
ReplyDeleteThe voice sounds more adult than YA, especially this part: They licked with hungry abandon through the old bedspread until Frank's image blurred.
Still, I want to know where Ben is headed and how he's going to handle his problems.
You hooked me. I want to know where he goes and how his story ends. Though, I think his love interest should be more involved. I want to see her reactions, hear her gasps. Watch her put her hand over her mouth in disbelief and horror. As a reader that's what I'm doing, so I assume she is as well.
ReplyDeleteBringing in the legal aspect is great. It raises the stakes and makes his decision not just right vs. wrong for what he's gone through, but right vs. wrong in society.
I would read more. I like the simplicity and the details that showed the character's decision making process. I understood his dilemma, and I think I would have bought into either choice that he made.
ReplyDeleteHi Rhea, yes this is suspense (adult) not YA...we end up following Ben into adulthood after this...thanks for posting - Donna
ReplyDeleteI like it but I kind of want the dad to live and they meet again...I would like to see him conquer his relationship with his father and prove that you can rise above!
ReplyDeleteMarcy
This is really good. Knowing what I know of "the system" it's easy to understand how a child would be placed in such a home. I'm with the person above in that I'd like to see the foster father live, but not for his sake, but for your MC's sake so that he can keep his concious clear. I liked how you painted up the room I could see the TV and the light. Good descriptions. I also could understand his indecision because if he makes a move toward the FF he might wake him & hinder his chances of ever leaving. Definitely would like to read more & see how this turns out.
ReplyDeleteWhen reading I got caught by too many 'Ben's'. Being that Ben is established I would have switched to 'he'.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece. Well done.
I could really feel Ben's indecision here and I like that he is torn between saving someone's life and not ruining his own.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that jumped out at me was your use of the word 'then'. I'm sensitive to it because I overused it in my own manuscript and have had to go back and weed it out. It's not like 'said', which is basically invisible. Use 'then' a few times and it starts to stick out.
I went back and counted how many times you used it and it was only five, but three of them occur in four sentences. Some words I've found can substitute for 'then' are 'and' and 'before'. Or sometimes you can delete it altogether.
eg. the first use of then is in the first sentence. You could substitute 'and' here eg. "Ben swung his backpack over his shoulder AND looked back.."
In the cluster of 'thens' in the middle, I'd get rid of the second one. Also, you say the cigarette fell, then you say it hung in the air before it tumbled. It can't fall, then hang, then tumble. Maybe you could reword this to say something like the cigarette teetered and hung in the air before tumbling down.
This is really nitpicky stuff but a few extra coats of polish never hurt :-)
Great tips! Especially on weeding out the then's - will polish it up in the manuscript. thanks-Donna
ReplyDeleteGreat scene! I really liked the imagery- the canned laughter, the ash of the cigarette, the fire starting to grow.
ReplyDeleteI know it's authors choice, but I kind of wish we could have seen him interact with Frank before he runs, like he wakes up and ses him right before he leaves.
I would read on.
I enjoyed this. I liked that Ben ran in the end (I'm assuming he ran away). I've a feeling that decision will have a bearing on the rest of his life. The revelation isn't big, and it's more of a decision than a revelation, but it suits the story you're telling and is effective.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder about the cigarette falling. If Frank is passed out, his arm is going to be relaxed and resting either on himself or the bed, so while the cigarette may slip from his fingers, it's not really going to fall through the air (unless it falls to the floor, and it doesn't) So you may want to rework that scene a bit to make it more accurate.
Nicely done!
Hooked. I want to know more about what happens to Ben! I liked the reference to someone running around the kitchen on the television. It pulled me into the scene. I loved how his indecision until the cigarette ignited made the decision for him.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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