TITLE: THE CANDLE DARK WICKED
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Teagan cared about being a pitcher first, a girl second--maybe that explained why her boobs remained straight A's just like her marks in school. At least they allowed her the freedom to whip a softball fast. Almost as fast as the punch she threw at her friend Mike for kissing her sans permission slip after she tossed a shutout earlier today. Nothing soft with her knuckleball. She grinned, knowing Mike's shoulder hurt more than his pride.
The reason she'd fouled his romantic play was as simple as 1-2-3. One month, two years and three days. The age differences between them. Too bad his parents didn't drink that bottle of wine a few years earlier. She found him cute, especially when he shivered as their lips touched.
Now, the brand should be spanked new teenager would see her for the first time in a dress, her hair combed and not hidden under a cap. She'd dressed like this to visit her twin sister, AKA Sleeping Beauty in the hospital knowing somehow it made her happy.
Well she didn't have to make Mike happy, so she stepped off the bus and pushed a crunched up baseball cap onto her short red hair. They waited for her on the front porch, Mike, his sore shoulder, and Rachel, her best friend.
"Why are we messing with voodoo dolls?" Mike said.
Teagan frowned. "I promised my sister and they're not voodoo dolls."
"Good because I forgot to bring a chicken."
Love the first sentence--very witty. Then you get into her punching a boy for kissing her, and you started to lose me a little. YA leaves the character's age rather broad, but a two year age difference in high school isn't uncommon. Thus, her reasoning for being upset enough to hit him didn't work for me. And after a little bit, the witty lines became too much. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but too many in a small space and they start to lose their impact.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice here. Interested in where it might be headed, especially because of the title.
ReplyDeleteLove this. She's spunky, great voice. And I understand that Mike is YOUNGER than her, right? That does turn a seemingly small age difference into a problem, I'd say (remembering my time at that age).
ReplyDeleteLoved the character. Loved the voice. I'd express the age different in years-months-days; mixing them up fouled the tempo a bit. Now, third paragraph, first sentence, the part where you wrote 'brand should be spanked new'; I'm thinking there should be hyphens there to set off an idiom. As it is it comes off as a very awkward combination. Overall, though, well done.
ReplyDeleteWow! I love the feisty personality of this character. I books with strong female protagonists, and she is certainly spunky. I also like the humor. This feels like it would be a fun, exciting, fast-paced story with plenty of action given the fact Teagan punched Mike just for trying to kiss her. I remember high school, oh so long ago, and how big a difference two years can be when it comes to maturity levels for boys and girls. If some boy had tried to sneak a kiss back then, I probably would have socked him too.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fun read. The main character has some sass, and I like that, even though some of the language used didn't sound like a YA voice to me even though I see you really aimed for that. And to be really honest, I don't see how the first line makes sense. Even if she did care about being a girl and didn't care at all about being a pitcher, her boobs wouldn't grow bigger, would they? I'm not sure what her marks in school have to do with it either, aside from making for a witty joke and adding some characterization. Everyone else seems to like it though, so maybe it's just me. Other picks:
ReplyDelete-It strikes me as odd to have her state the number of months, then years, then days apart her and Mike are; why not state in ascending or descending order instead of all jumbled up?? And I have to agree with the other commenter about the age difference. Tons of girls dated older guys in high school and it was no big deal at all. Especially not a two year gap.
-Now, the brand should be spanked new teenager <<---This tripped me up. Hyphens are required for this to work.
-They waited for her on the front porch, Mike, his sore shoulder, and Rachel, her best friend.<<--This reads like a list. I'd maybe use a colon after porch or revise the wording.
In any case, this was an easy read and I quite enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing :)
I remember liking the voice in this the last time I saw it, too. I also like Mike's voice - love that last line of the excerpt!
ReplyDeleteMy interpretation of the age difference is that he's 2 years younger than her, which is uncommon in high school. If there's this much question, I guess it needs to be clarified.
Lots of potential here!
I love the "spunkyness" of Teagan. Her personality really shows through and you've done a great job of setting up the rest of the story.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was cluttered with too much cleverness. It worked for the opening, but then it becomes too much. You might tone it down.
ReplyDeleteI also thought you could have gotten to Mike and Rachel quicker. For me, that's where the story begins. Everything before it is backstory/setup and could be made known as the story unfolds.
And I did wonder as her seeming flippancy about her sister (referring to her as sleeping beauty). I got the impression sis was in a coma, and considering it's her sister, she seemed to take it lightly. But then, maybe she's not in a coma.
I loved the dialogue and wished you had gotten to it sooner. As I said above, that's where I thought your story started. That was where you caught my interest.
This cracked me up. I do agree that you could pare down the witty observations a bit in the intro, since they all made me stop and think and that pulls you out of the story a bit. But they were hilarious, so it's worth it!
ReplyDeleteI think you could possibly drop the 1-2-3 bit and just say that he's three years younger.
But this is super fun. I like the feisty MC. And cool title!
I agree 100% with @Seleste up there. The first two paragraphs are gangbusters, but then it started to lose me. "Brand should be spanked new teenager" is a stretch and makes little sense. This looks like a prime example of my favorite writing adage: Kill Your Darlings. The more you're in love with a turn of phrase, the more it's gotta go.
ReplyDeleteBut I like the set up here. Tom boy, comatose twin, some kind of supernatural element. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeletenice!
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