TITLE: Shades of Adrian Gray
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Evan has known Adrian is gay for months. Adrian only just found out Evan's gay and harboring a crush when Evan kissed him. Drama ensues.
"I've been going nuts these past months worrying you're going to out me and this whole time you've been gay too! A******!"
"Not this whole time!" I defended. "I'm new! Newly gay! I mean, I wasn't gay then, you know what I mean!"
"What, you just woke up gay?"
"Yes! I mean, no! I was in denial and stuff."
"Denial," he eyed me skeptically.
"And stuff," I reminded him. My shoes were suddenly terribly fascinating. I couldn't believe I'd never realized how interesting they were before.
"Fine," Adrian bit out. "I'm so glad you've come to terms with it. And so glad you decided to freak me out with this whole mysterious phone call and movie and then just KISSING me, instead of calling like a normal person and saying hey Adrian, know how you're gay, well I'm gay too, maybe we can talk about it some time -"
He stopped and I risked a glance at his face. Bad idea. I hadn't thought his eyes could get any bigger. Apparently, they could.
"Evan," Adrian said too calmly. I sensed rage building again. "Was this a date?"
Eyes back on shoes! Quickly! "Umm, no?" I guessed.
"What is the matter with you? You ask someone to go on a date! You don't just say hey, wanna go see a movie -"
"That is asking someone on a date," I interrupted grumpily.
"Not if the other guy thinks you're straight!" He bellowed. It was slightly possible he had a point. Slightly.
At first I was confused with who was talking and who "I" was versus "he", but I'm pretty sure that's just a facet of being thrown in the middle.
ReplyDeleteBut other than that, I thought this was really good. I like Evan being fascinated with his shoes and Adrian being angry at the unexpected turn of events. Too often in stories a kiss makes everything better and all other things go away, and I like to see people have a real reaction. If a person unexpectedly kissed me, I would be angry too.
Love the voice here, and the humor. I'm hooked. In fact, when you get this published, hit me up so I can buy it lol.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the voice in this. The only line I didn't like was when he was remarking on how interesting his shoes are. I like the image of him staring at his shoes, but since he's embarrassed/ashamed he's not actually interested, he's just trying to avoid eye-contact. Maybe you could talk about how he'd rather be staring at Evan's face, but the scuff marks on his sneakers weren't yelling at him. Or something. It would racket up the tension, I think.
ReplyDeleteI really liked his response... " And stuff." I laughed out loud at that point.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would add would be, like Christine said, describing the shoes with a bit more detail. Yes, they're more interesting than the current conversation, but what in particular does he find so interesting? The dirty laces? The scuff marks. Make something stand out. But yea, I was quite intrigued. Good job!
I love this. It's hilarious and the voice is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first 250 when I read it in the February Secret Agent contest (#5 for those interested - http://misssnarksfirstvictim.blogspot.com/2011/02/february-secret-agent-5.html). If anything, I think I like this 250 better than the first 250 and that had me hooked.
The dialogue is very realistic and even this little bit gives the reader a great sense of the characters. Very well done.
Thanks for sharing this!
The writing here is good. A couple of comments:
ReplyDelete-Don't use tags like "I defended" or "bit out". The tone should be obvious from the dialogue or the actions.
-In the thought about the shoes - people are not usually sarcastic in their thoughts unless they are imagining they are speaking to someone. I find it clunky the way he is being sarcastic to himself. I mean, you might be able to make it work but it seems odd.
-WAY TOO MANY EXCLAMMATIONS POINTS! Use these only when someone is yelling.
I love this exchange! The voice is amazing.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I got slightly confused towards the end about the is-this-or-is-this-not-a-date part (but maybe that's because I'm reading out of context)
Keep it up!
Loved this. The dialogue felt perfect. Really very natural for the situation.
ReplyDeleteGood Job.
I understand the only dialogue tag you are supposed to have is: said.
ReplyDeleteI was really bogged down by your attributes that can/should be inferred from the language chosen rather than a description on how the line is delivered.
Going back and finding them all:
I defended.
I reminded him.
Adrian bit out.
I guessed.
I interrupted grumpily.
He bellowed.
NOW, having said that, I will totally contradict myself and tell you to leave in the "I reminded him" because that actually worked. And was charming. So, keep that, but I'd advise you to lose the rest.
Really love the title and story premise. I also think the voice and humor here is really nice too. My only small critique is that some of the dialogue didn't totally work for me. It was almost too straight-forward in parts where I wanted things left unsaid. For example in the first line of dialogue the "and this whole time you've been gay too" just didn't read right for me. I didn't have any problems with the dialogue tags though - they all worked for me.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! Always love the compliments ;) and you gave me some stuff to think about as well, particularly with the dialogue and dialogue tags.
ReplyDeleteAnd Kate, I see your point about the dialogue. I'm trying to decide now if that's a product of the limited context or not though. It's hard to tell, I think it does read a little better though on the whole page of the manuscript. Hmm. Definitely something to look at though.
And I'm really flattered that you remembered this from the SA contest duwarr! Glad you still like it!
There was something in the humor here that bothered me. Evan, who has just discovored he is gay, seems to be the one who is taking this all rather lightly, and it seems if he just realized recently he was gay, he wouldn't. He'd be confused, have questions, etc. If the situation were reversed and it was Adrian taking it lightly, it would be more believable, because he'd be more comfortable with who he is. I'm not saying you should do that, just trying to explain why I felt the humor seemed off. I guess I'd like to see more hesitation and uncertainty of Evan's part. (And I may not even be getting it right. I had a hard time figuring out who was saying what.)
ReplyDeleteI agree with others about the shoes. The sarcasm doesn't work because it's not pointed at someone else. Perhaps use the shoes to show his embarrassment and/or uncertainty?
I do think if I had been reading this from the start, I might feel differently about the scene.
And yeah, lose some of those !!!