TITLE: Blood for Wolves
GENRE: Fantasy
Caroline, a wolf biologist, is stuck in the world the Little Red Riding Hood story emerged from. She's hooked up with Wolf, a half-wolf (not a werewolf). This occurs after a sex scene gone wrong due to a sorceress's black magic upon the full moon.
I wanted to comfort him, to tell him that it would be okay, but I would just be lying again. None of this was okay. I was still naked; going out to him might have the opposite effect. I didn't know how to approach him without setting him off again.
He let his hand drop and then howled piteously. I wanted to say something, but my mind felt like it was drowning and I hurt and my shoulder bled down my arm. I watched him spring to his feet and sprint from the barn, headed for the woods.
I sat on the floor of the barn for a long time. The sun was setting, sending burning orange rays through the barn windows. I wanted to be angry, but I wasn't. I thought maybe I should cry, but I didn't. I didn't have the energy to do either of those things. I was too tired and numb. I didn't blame Wolf, not entirely anyway. Mostly I blamed my own arrogance. My own overconfidence in thinking I could handle his wolf side when clearly wolves were not the same here. After all, he'd warned me.
The first thing that occurred to me is that your premise here seems to have just gotten beat out by the upcoming movie "Red Riding Hood" (http://redridinghood.warnerbros.com/). But, that could also be a good thing.
ReplyDeleteThe second thing that stood out for me was "and my shoulder bled down my arm." Which makes me think her shoulder is melting. The wording is off. Perhaps the following is more accurate: "and blood ran down my arm from my shoulder wound."
A few nitpicky things:
ReplyDeleteThe sentence "I want to say something buy my mind......down my arm" is really long. I think you could easily replace the 'and' with a period and make it to sentences.
I also think you want a comma and not a semi-colon in the sentence "I was still naked; going out.."
Overall this section seems well written. I'm not sure I entirely understand what's going on, but that's the nature of Drop the Needle.
A lot of sentences start with "I [verb]..." and it gets repetitious. I get that in the last paragraph you're going for effect with the repetitive sentence structure, but you have the same style throughout the sample. With a little more variance, I think you could increase the impact of the last paragraph and create a smoother flow for your work. The "I [verb]" structure is easy to fall into in passages like this where characters are alone and being introspective.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bittersweet about the "I wanted to say something" sentence being too long, but I disagree about the semi-colon. I think you've used it correctly (although I'm no grammar expert).
Also, there's a lot of telling in this passage. In the sentence "The sun was setting" the telling hides your great description. Maybe something like:
I stayed on the barn floor until the setting sun sent burning orange rays through the windows.
Thanks for sharing this!
I didn't get what the revelation was. It seems she already knew he was half wolf.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't get any sense of what exactly had gone wrong. (I know it was sex gone wrong, but how? Why? What specifically?) Perhaps that's all evident in the scenes that come before this, but overall, this was just too vague to get a real sense of the issue at hand.
I'm guessing the MC finally realized these wolves are not like the wolves on Earth and she doesn't know how to interact with them. I liked the last paragraph quite a bit. The rhythm of "I should... but..." was nicely done. First person can be tricky, and it's a lot of work to vary sentences so they don't start with "I," followed by a verb.
ReplyDeleteI understand this scene to be a dicovery of how the two cannot be together...but I'm not entirely sure why. And it seems your MC is yearning to be with the wolf-man, and though she is hurt herself, she'd still like to comfort *him*.
ReplyDeleteI didn't quite make it to the "I feel for her" state with this excerpt, but I think it's entirely fixable. (Also wondering if knowing what had happened before would help with this.)
The 1st paragraph could be refined/rearranged:
"I wanted to comfort him, but I was still naked, and going out to him might have the opposite effect (because...of her wound?). I feared approaching might set him off again (this sentence may be redundant). Besides, I would just be lying again if I spoke. I'd want to tell him everything would be okay. None of this was okay."
Second graph:
"howled piteously": I don't know what this sounds like. Was it long and drawn out? Did it sound half-human and like a moan? Try to get me to hear it.
"I wanted to say something": Already covered this in the 1st graph. Can you show her achiness some other way?
"I watched him": Probably not necessary to say, since we're in the midst of MC's thoughts, we'll assume she's watching him.
Third graph, tightening:
"The sun set after several hours, sending burning orange rays through the barn windows. I wanted to be angry, but I wasn't. I thought maybe I should cry, but I didn't. I was too tired and numb to do either. I didn't blame Wolf, not entirely anyway. Mostly I blamed my own arrogance, my own overconfidence in thinking I could handle his wolf side when clearly wolves were not the same here. After all, he'd warned me."
Hope this helps. Good luck!