TITLE: Broken Promises
GENRE: Contemporary Women's Fiction
I don't like mirrors.
They're too honest. They expose every flaw; lay everything bare. They tell your deepest secrets and the one I'm looking into now is especially brutal. Mirrors can be your best friend or your worst enemy. They gain strength from your emotions and sometimes, they spit your pain back in your face.
I don't know who the person is in the glass and it's not the bad lighting or the bruises that are distorting the reflection. It's the shame and denial that have made the figure staring back with shadowed eyes, sad and unrecognizable. The image looks like a mug shot taken after a bar fight that belongs in the police blotter in Saturday mornings newspaper. Mascara smudged under swollen, red-rimmed eyes and streaks of black staining a bruised face. It tells a story of violence and suffering. Of sadness.
The humiliation is suffocating.
I keep telling myself that if I keep looking, eventually I'll find me again. So far all I see is a stranger who has made one bad decision after another. Someone who doesn't know how to ask for help even though they are neck deep in quicksand and going down fast.
There's some good stuff in here; I love the idea that "if I keep looking, eventually I'll find me again." And "neck deep in quicksand and going down fast." Good stuff. You're evoking a very powerful mood and image. The problem is, it's a very difficult image. I'm afraid that beginning with this low an emotional note is going to be a hard sell. I think this is terrific, it just needs not to be the first thing we read. After all, most books are supposed to follow a progression of "it gets worse before it gets better." And I don't know if I would have the emotional wherewithal to start in such a low place, knowing there's farther to fall. Does that make sense? Is there anywhere else you can start? An action scene, perhaps? Something that shows us who the characters are rather than showing us their emotional state?
ReplyDeleteI understand Kathleen's comments, and to a point I agree. However, I'd like to keep reading this one and find out where she's going with it. The general progression of it has to get worse before it gets better is normally true. But that's what intrigues me about this beginning. It starts off brutal (fabulous descriptions of her image in the mirror). But could lead to her deciding to run away and start a new life, but the new life doesn't go as she planned. Or something to that effect.
ReplyDeleteLove her trying to make sense of the image in the mirror "a stranger who's made one bad decision after another. Someone who doesn't know how to ask for help..." tells me so much about her in just a few short words.
I'm the other side of the spectrum. AWESOME. I would totally read this. B/C I have a feeling it is going to end in empowerment for the MC and a whole world of pain for her attacker. Great writing.
ReplyDeleteMirrors are usually a red flag for me -- as I find it somewhat cliché to write about looking in the mirror and what one will/won't/could/should find when seeing oneself.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, it's a relatable experience I believe could draw in a reader. It's well written and compelling -- but I wonder if there's another way to get across the same idea without the mirror stuff. That's obviously just a pet peeve -- but it doesn't hurt to try to change things up sometimes to see if you can shake out a new way to say the same thing.
Good thought and good writing, author.
There are a lot of nice things here, but a few things caught my attention right away.
ReplyDelete-They expose every flaw; lay everything bare.<<--This semicolon is used incorrectly. It has to separate two independent clauses the way you've used it, and the second part is just a fragment.
They tell your deepest secrets and the one I'm looking into now is especially brutal. <<There needs to be a comma before 'the one' since what follows after the conjunction can be an independent clause
-I don't know who the person is in the glass and it's not the bad lighting or the bruises that are distorting the reflection.<<Ditto (comma before 'and')
-Getting in a physical description while having the MC look is a bit cliche, though the way you've done it is less so than it could have been, and I do like her inner monologue about mirrors...
Having made those extremely nitpicky points, I do wonder if your one commenter is right about too much sadness near the start. It's a bit overwhelming, though I do get the sense there will be a lot of character growth happening. I'm just not sure I want to read about something so depressing before I've had the chance to care about the character. Great imagery though and fantastic descriptions. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing :)
I love this! (Does that make me a totally miserable person, I wonder?) I am utterly hooked and I want to know what happens. IMHO your voice is perfect for women's fiction and I hope that you do really well with this. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteYes, it does start in a very depressing place, but that didn't bother me. While it is depressing, she isn't whining about it. She's evaluating. We're getting genuine thoughts and emotions here, and for me, that makes the difference.
ReplyDeleteI did think it went on a bit too long, and I have a feeling we may go into a flashback that explains how she came to be beaten up. If so, you'd lose me. If you're going to go there, just start with that scene and use it as your opening.
You might have her doing something as she looks in the mirror--tending to a cut or bruise or washing her make-up off. Otherwise, it's just a lot of talk. You might also cut the bit about mirrors being your best friend, because she never goes there. SHe never says why or how they could be a best friend.
Overall though, I thought this was pretty strong.
This feels like a strong story of personal recovery, a journey that seems like a good read for the audience.
ReplyDeleteI like how the narrator describes herself,and I sympathize with her right from the beginning.
Definitely, I would read on. I so want her to find herself again.
Yikes! This is dark!--which is something that doesn't usually capture me right off the bat. I want some indication that there's light in the novel, but I suppose that kind of information would be in a synopsis or query letter, and not on the first page. Also, I applaud the author for not falling victim to my least favorite writers' trick: visual description of the MC's looks as they gaze in the mirror. This is different--showing domestic violence and not (usually meaningless) hair/eye color. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I'm hooked without more information, but I think the author achieved his/her goals here.
I agree with some of the others that using the mirror is a bit cliche, especially at the start of the story. Still, you're able to create a tense atmosphere with your main character who seems broken and going further downhill. I can feel the pain, and it makes me curious about some of the bad decisions this character had made. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThe first line hooked me in and made me want to read more. Even though I have only read this small portion but if this MC is a strong one, which I assume she is, she can really go places. It feels like it could get a lot worse before it gets better. This must be a small look into a small portion of her life. We don't know if she is a mature woman or a teenage girl. I like how it keeps me guessing for what is going to happen next. I want to read MORE!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful opening. I'm hooked.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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