TITLE: Melladore
GENRE: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
Sara has been accidentally transported by her fiance to a different planet. Her fiance, Will, has been hell bent on finding a way back to Earth but Sara secretly loves the new planet, Melladore. She has just witnessed Will murdering a magician for his magic and realizes that his plan requires mass killings. She now has to decide whether to tell the authorities and give up all chance of going home, or to keep quiet and get back to Earth.
Sara slowly lifted her tear stained face from between her knees. She had spent all day crying and rocking herself against the back of the training house, unsure of what to do. Would Will come after her with vengeance? Would she even be able to make a difference? She had run without thinking, but as she stopped to catch her breath before going inside, fear rushed in. That small pause crippled her will power. She felt a heavy, emotional hand on her shoulders. She would be an outcast after this. Somehow, she had ended up on the wrong side of things. After several hours, though, of letting her emotions run their course, she knew there was nothing to do but get it over with.
She plucked herself up from the weeds and made her way around the building to the front door. It was already open, which she thought strange. Though she was grateful. If she had been given the chance to stop before opening the door, she might have crumpled again. But now the way was clear with nothing to stop her.
She stepped inside and willed her feet to move forward, no matter what thoughts tried to dissuade her as she went.
Half-way across the gym she found herself running, all fear gone. This was her home now. She was committed to protect it, even at the cost of loosing Will. Tears once again sped down her face, but they were of relief. No more fighting herself.
My suggestion: Can we see the scene where she runs away, worrying about what she's just learned? It seems like that's where the emotional drama happens but here its only tossed to us in a 'flashback', so we don't nearly get to experience it as strongly as we could. Also, give us more of her mental journey towards her final decision. The last paragraph just drops the choice in our lap instead of helping us see how she came to that conclusion. Your lead-in did a better job of explaining the problem she faced. I also don't understand her hesitancy to run through the gym especially when she gets through without trouble (maybe that's due to background I don't know).
ReplyDeleteIntense problem though, I do feel sympathetic and worried for her already!
The balance between her options and ultimately making the decisions seems a little one-sided. Most of your discussion goes toward options then she makes the decision so quick. Seems hard to believe.
ReplyDeleteYou do get a sense of the emotion Sara is experiencing.
I am also confused because the intro described she saw the murder and that Will was trying to rescue her (at least bring her back to Earth). So why in the first paragraph does it sound like she is afraid Will will kill her?
Not quite hooked.
I didn't think this worked because there is no reason for her sudden change of mind. There is no motivation. WHy does she run across that gym, all fear gone? That's what's missing.
ReplyDeleteThe first parg. seems to be an explanation for the reader, so we know what's been going on, but if we've been with the story from the start, all of that should be stuff we've already seen.
Perhaps show the rest instead of telling it to us, and let us know what those thoughts were in the 2nd last parg. and what conclusions she came to about them that made her decide and act.
Interesting (and creative) concepts! Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteI understand what Barbara and the others are saying. For example, the following suggests Sara has already experienced her 'revelation' because she previously tried to approach the authorities (I think) but chickened out.
"Would Will come after her with vengeance? Would she even be able to make a difference? She had run without thinking, but as she stopped to catch her breath before going inside, fear rushed in."
Therefore this scene is more about her finding the resolve needed to follow through with the proper course suggested by her revelation.
To better cast this scene as a revelation (if that's what you want), you could do as Barbara suggests, i.e, show us via her thoughts why she loves this planet or feels honor bound to protect its inhabitants...and let that awareness push her to her feet and around the building in search of the entrance.
Nice story! I'd like to read the book! :<) James
I agree with the above, but I also really like the last paragraph. I think her "revelation" is well announced and empowered, even if it requires more information leading up to it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get a clear picture from this. There's a bit of internal waffling going on, but it doesn't mean anything to the reader. It all just sort of runs together and when I finished reading I didn't really remember anything that had gone on. Perhaps adding a bit more sensory details could help? Make us feel like we're there.
ReplyDeletenice!
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